She frowns. “I…” Then she hesitates. “I’m trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. I think it will help me.”
I lay down and pull her across my body so her head is on my arm and her top leg is thrown over mine. My hand runs aimlessly through her hair.
“How did you find I was gone?” she whispers.
I frown as I remember. “I was cold. It was so cold. I could hear the wind banging on something.”
She, too, frowns as she tries to visualise my words. “What time was this?”
“Dawn. It was foggy.”
She lies still as she listens.
“I thought you were in the bathroom and I went back to sleep. I could have saved you, but I went back to sleep.”
“Josh,” she whispers.
“The door kept banging and eventually it woke me up completely. I went looking for you.”
“Oh Josh. My heart aches for you,” She whispers. “I can’t imagine going through this.”
I hesitate; knowing the next part of the story is what upsets me. I can’t bear going back there. The lump in my throat forms and my chest tightens.
“Then what happened?” she prompts.
“I slipped.”
“You slipped?” she repeats.
I nod.
“God, Josh, your heart rate is racing. You’re back there, aren’t you? You relive this every night?” she whispers in horror.
My eyes mist over.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“Huh?”
“When you slipped?”
“No,” I reply blankly.
“Was the deck wet?” she asks.
“I slipped on your blood.”
She gasps.
“There was blood everywhere,” I whisper.
She screws up her eyes in pain.
I feel perspiration start to wet me.
“There was so much blood and…” I hesitate as I realise that this might upset her further.
“Tell me,” she urges. “I’m ok and I want to hear this, Joshua.”
“There were drag marks in your blood, at the side of the boat.”
She closes her eyes in pain. “Holy fuck. This is horrific, no wonder you aren’t sleeping.”
I remain still, numb as the horror seeps through my body.
“What did you do?” she asks softly.
“I started to yell for you. I-I couldn’t find you.”
Her tears start to fall like a burst dam.
“Ben came.”
She frowns. “Where was Ben?”
“He heard me screaming.”
She closes her eyes again.
“We were diving under the water.”
“Josh,” she whispers. “It’s ok. I’m here, baby, I’m here.” She pulls me closer.
I shake my head. “But I couldn’t find you.” My voice is strained.
“Joshua.”
“I couldn’t remember, Natasha. I still can’t remember. I can’t stand the thought that I don’t remember something so significant.”
“It’s ok, Joshua, you were drugged.”
“No, it’s not ok. I should have protected you. I-I should have been able to protect you.” I stammer as my stress hits a new level.