She sits up. “Joshua, come back to bed, baby.”
I stand and sit next to her and she cups my cheek in her hand.
“You look so sad, so lost. What are you thinking about, my love?” she asks.
I stare at her for a moment. “Did he use his hand to hit you?” I whisper.
She swallows and nods once.
Pain lances through my chest. I can’t bear that she went through this because of me.
“How often, how often did he…” I stop, unable to go on.
“How often did he hit me?” she finishes for me.
“Yes.”
“When I didn’t do what he wanted me to do.”
What he wanted her to do? It never even occurred to me before. Oh my God. I feel like I can’t breathe and bile rises from my stomach.
“Did he…?” I hesitate again. I can’t even say it out loud.
“Rape me?” she whispers.
I drop my head and screw up my pained face as tears fill my eyes.
“No.” She sits up and cups my cheek once more.
“He would have as soon as he got the go ahead. Amelie protected me to an extent.”
“Don’t say that. It was me that should have protected you,” I whisper. “This was all my fault, Natasha. I should have protected you. I should have picked up that Amelie was unstable.”
She leans in and kisses me gently, trying to calm me. “I’m ok, Joshua. I survived. I wasn’t raped. How could you have possibly known?”
“How hard did he hit you?”
She hesitates and frowns as her eyes mist over. “He only hit me really hard twice with his fists. He knocked me out once. Mostly he would slap me until I fell and then kick me when I was on the ground.”
I scrunch my eyes closed. I can’t bear this. “You should have killed him,” I whisper.
Her eyes hold mine for a moment. “The scary thing is, Josh, I wished I killed him, too.”
I watch her struggle with her internal thoughts.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
Her dark eyes meet mine. “I can still feel the way the glass felt as it sliced though his neck. I can still hear him screaming out in pain.”
I swallow. “What memory is stronger? Him hitting you or you attacking him?”
“Me attacking him is much stronger.”
“Good,” I whisper. “I don’t want you to remember the other stuff. You need to try and forget it, baby.”
“Can you tell me? Can you tell me about the night I went missing?”
“Why would you want to hear that shit?” I murmur.