I hurry on. I don’t know why James suddenly shows up here, but when I think of the phone call he gave me, I feel nervous.
Would James know everything? I always have that hunch.
The car has disappeared, and I am relieved. Finally, I walk to a busy area, and stop a car.
In the car, I have butterflies in my stomach. If James knows everything, what would he do to me?
I shake my head, thinking he wouldn’t know it.
I think a lot all the way back. A long time later, the driver stops the car at my house.
I walk out of the car tiredly.
I stand on the spot for a long time before I finally regain consciousness. What should I do now?
Did James already know something? I am a little flustered.
Just then the phone rings and I am startled to see that it is James.
I breathe a sigh of relief and make my voice sound the same as usual.
“Are you looking for me?” I ask.
James’s voice is as worried as ever. “Where are you now?”
“I’m at home.” I make myself relax.
“Home?” James is surprised.
“Yes, I am at home now. Why did you find me just now? I have time now.”
James suddenly stops speaking at the other end, and I only hear the rapid breathing.
“What’s the matter with you?” I wonder if James already knows something.
James’s voice softens. “Nothing,” he says, “I’ll go to you later.”
“Alright.” I shake my head and hang up the phone, perhaps I thought too much.
Ella is in the kindergarten, and I wait them at home. James comes soon.
“What’s the matter with you? You look worried.” I say.
“When did you come back today?” James frowns.
I smile unnaturally and say, “Just now. Why?”
“Something happened today and I am worried about you.” James looks at me and breathes a sigh of relief. He walks slowly forward me and hugs me gently. “I can’t lose you anymore.”
James is a little fragile today. I pat him on the back and say, “What’s wrong with you today?”
James doesn’t say anything. At last he looks at me for a long time before he says, “Nothing. I thought I might not see you today, and I almost had a car accident.”
He smiles, with gentleness and glad in his eyes.
“Are you all right? Did you get hurt?” I quickly check James up and down. James grabs my hand and says, “Should I take it off to let you check it?”
He looks at me playfully.
My face turns red. I push him away and say, “What are you doing? Jerk.”
James squeezes my hand. “You don’t know how scared I was just now. I was afraid that I would never see you again.”
I feel moved. It’s so warm that someone always cares about you in this world.
All the tensions in Porter’s room are gone. James and I hug each other tightly, and we share the same feeling of relieve.
“By the way, I’ll take you to meet someone later.” James says.
“Oh, alright.” I close my eyes in his arms. I do not know who he wants to bring me to, but no one can destroy the serenity I enjoy now.
To my relief, James doesn’t find it. I’m glad he doesn’t.
James insists on hugging me to sleep. The sun shines on him, and he is smiling at me.
It is a special moment to cherish, for the storm is just around the corner.
“Don’t look at me.” James covers my eyes, the warmth of his palms warming my eyelids.
I am so nervous that I forget to breathe, peeping through the fingers, watching him snigger.
I feel satisfied now. No matter what would happen in the future, I feel satisfied. That’s enough.
After lunch, James takes me to meet the person in the afternoon.
“Should I get a present?” I ask.
James gives me one look as he focuses on driving. “No, you are the best gift to her.”
“Oh?” What does it mean?
“Why?” I tilt my head to look at him.
James laughs, “Because this person misses you so much.”
“Me?” I point at myself and pout. “I don’t know anyone around you. How could someone miss me? We didn’t know each other before.”
When he says that, I suddenly feel nervous. Is it someone I have known before?
The one James knows, and misses Carolina. Who?
I see. It’s Elaine.
My sister.
But as soon as I realize it, I suddenly become nervous, but I still keep the same look on my face.
James gives me a look. “Carolina’s sister, she’s missed Carolina as much as I have for so many years. So, for the sake of her depression, go and see her and make her feel better.”
I feel anxious but force a smile, “James, I’m not Carolina. I don’t have the time or the kindness to comfort someone’s sister. You take me as her substitute, so I have to be the substitute in front of everyone that knows Carolina? I’m not a heart of gold.”
I can’t help it. I don’t know whether Elaine is doing well or not. I just ignore her for fear that she will break down.
And my younger brother.
They are the only family I have in this world.
I could only pretend to be angry.
I can’t expose the true emotion now. I can’t tell everyone that I’m not dead and I have come back.
“Just see her. I think she would be glad, and it’s comforting to see someone so similar to her sister.” James says.
He looks at me from time to time, which makes me feel nervous.
“But I don’t want to.” “I refuse him firmly. “I don’t have that time.”
“Are you afraid of something?” James looks at me and smiles. “I think you’re too scared to meet Carolina’s sister.”
“No! Why should I be afraid?” I couldn’t look at James in the eyes, so I look out the window and pretends to be angry. “I just don’t want to be a substitute.”
“Just take it as good deeds for the time being.” James looks ahead, his voice soft but sound oppressive.
“She’s not well all these years, and I’ll be grateful if you go and see her.” James sighs, very sad.
I feel painful, and I want to cry but cannot cry. I can only endure the sadness.
Elaine, have you been blaming me for leaving you?
I am afraid to see her, to see her disappointed and reproachful eyes.
I’m sorry, Elaine. I’m really sorry.
I can only apologize to her again and again.
“Just for my sake. Go and see the girl.” James sighs.
“All right.” I have to agree.
Elaine, will you blame your sister?
“She’s at A now. She’s a college student in A university.” James takes me straight to A university.
Yes, although Elaine had dropped out of school when I left, she was a high school student, so now she should be a college student. I cannot wait to see her.
A university is also my Alma mater, I look at the familiar scene around and can’t help sighing. It’s the first time I have come back to see it after I graduated many years years ago.
In another identity.
The car has reached the dormitory building.
James calls Elaine, smiles and says, “Come down here. I have a surprise for you.”
He says it softly, as if coddling a child. When I am away all these years, has Elaine been taken care of by James?
Does he know the real reason I left? My sister was there at that time, and she knows that I was forced to leave by Isabel. Did she tell James about it?
I am thinking about it when a girl in a yellow dress runs out of the dorm building.
I sit up straight and watch her without blinking.
“The girl is really pretty.” I pretend to be unfamiliar with her.
Yes, Elaine has been mature these years. She is getting more beautiful.
I feel sour and want to cry. I am sorry for leaving her for so many years.
Elaine runs to the car, and waves happily at James. James rolls down the window.
She also sees me in the car.
I look at her in the eyes, and then look away nervously.
“Is this girl Carolina’s sister?” I ask.
It’s Elaine, my sister.
God knows how much I miss her, but I can’t recognize her.
Elaine’s smile freezes on her face and she walks slowly forward.
James gets out of the car and says, “There’s a woman in the car. Go and greet her.”
“Who?” Elaine’s voice sounds crisp. She stares at me.
“Go on, you’ll see.” James smiles and gives her a push.
I take a deep breath and get out of the car, and then look at Elaine.
Elaine freezes. She looks at James and then looks at me. “What? Carolina?” She says excitedly, tears coming out.
“No,” I say coldly.
Elaine frowns, tears still streaming down her face, and looks at me with wary, “Who are you?”
“My name is Carl Nida. Nice to meet you.” I make a disgusted remark, sneers at her very disdainful.
I could see Elaine’s hostility and looks at James angrily. “My sister is dead. She’s not my sister even she looks almost the same as Carolina!” James, have you forgotten my sister? What do you mean by letting me see her now? She’s not Carolina! No one can replace my sister!”
Elaine looks at me with hate, and aggression.
“Elaine!” James pats her on the shoulder and says, “I know your sister couldn’t be replaced by anyone, but now this person is just like your sister. Take comfort in that. Don’t you miss your sister?”
Elaine looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, “I miss her, but she is not Carolina. I know she’s dead and won’t come back! James, how could you withstand it all these years? I really miss her.”
She looks at me, thinking of her sister.
I don’t say anything because I don’t know what I should say.
James comforts Elaine. He hugs her and says, “I’m just like you. Your sister is always in my heart.
Elaine still looks at me, frowning.
I don’t know what she is thinking, but maybe she hates me. She hates me for taking her sister’s place in James’s heart.
“Alright.” Elaine looks at me with a fierce light in her eyes.
I thought I was wrong, but the evil light does come from Elaine’s eyes.
I have been away from her life, and I don’t know how she comes over these years.
James sits aside and leaves us alone to have a chat.
Elaine looks at me up and down and says, “You really look like my sister. I was shocked when I first saw you, but you’re not.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I’m just a substitute. I made a deal with James. I will be his substitute, and he can promise me everything.”
This is the place where I went to school. I walk side by side with Elaine, appreciating the place I used to study at.
“Do you really think that you can take my sister’s place in James’s heart? Impossible!” Elaine suddenly stands in front of me, smiling confidently, “Except me.”
I am petrified. What does she mean by that?