James, shouldn’t you hate me? Why are you so good to me? why?
I hurt you again and again, but you?
I have more and more debts, what should I do?
The moment I hang up the phone, I immediately stop crying, and I think I would never cry again.
“What kind of expression? I can’t see it through” Neil sneers, “Are you moving? He can help you pay, and I’m also paying you money. Why don’t you show me such an expression?”
“Oh, you cry for another man in the face of your husband. Don’t you feel ashamed?” Neil pinches my chin, his eyes fierce, “Carolina, you are my wife now. You have to make it clear! Don’t you know how much I paid for your father?”
“Who am I crying for? I just love James, I just don’t love you!”
“Okay, it’s great! But Carolina, you have signed an agreement with me. You can only be my wife this life!
Yeah, I signed the damn agreement! But James and I have no chance.
I’m too different from him, I can only become his burden, the point is that I can’t let my family be worse because of me.
Therefore, I can only admit my fate, and I will not see James in the future, he can only become my memory.
He will stay with another woman in the future. Can I also have a place in his heart?
I don’t know. I think about it, and the more I think about it, the more I feel hurt.
“There will be a trial tomorrow.” Mom comes back, nervously, “I don’t know if your father will go in for a few years, he is too old to stand the publishment.”
The atmosphere in the ward is very depressing, and everyone is worried. There are too many things happening recently.
Even if my body is weak, I still can’t sleep.
The mother leaves early and goes to court.
I can only wait for the news here.
As time passes by, I become more and more disturbed. I don’t know what kind of ending Dad would get.
Finally, my mother’s phone call comes, “Just sentenced, your father will go for a few years.”
Fortunately, it is only a few years, not a lifetime.
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad.
The mother goes home to pack up dad’s clothes, and she doesn’t cry or make noise all at once. She is silent and quiet.
My mother says, “I never think that I could be separated from your father for so long. I never even think about how would I live my life if your father leaves my world.”
I know that my father and mother love each other so much, but I don’t expect it to be so much.
I don’t know how to comfort my mother. I also know the feeling of loss and the kind of helplessness and panic. All I can do is to hold my mother’s hand and say, “Everything will pass.”
“We didn’t use for Neil’s money. If you can leave Neil, you should leave him. We owe him the money. We will pay it back slowly. I don’t want to delay you for a lifetime.” My mother smiles weakly at me and takes things away. “I’ll see your dad.”
James and I have no way to be together.
I am the one who is unforgivable!
As time goes by, I am finally able to get out of bed and walk around, holding the wall for a while every day. The feeling of being able to walk down gives me a feeling of being alive again.
But the mother becomes more and more silent.
“Today we can go out.” The nurse comes over and helps me get out of bed.
I haven’t been exposed to the outside air and sunlight for a long time, and I’m already a little excited.
I walk anxiously, limping out.
“The sun is so good today,” says the little nurse, “It’s also good for you to go out and walk. It’s nice to bask in the sun.”
I can’t open my eyes because of the light, which makes me feel like I’m in an isolated world.
I do not expect to come out again, I have experienced life and death.
In the distance, an ambulance roar by, and the nurse helps me to stand aside quickly.
“I don’t know what happened. Every day’s emergency department is busy.” The little nurse mutters. She says that her boyfriend is in an emergency department. Although they all work in a hospital, they don’t even have time to meet.
I see her complaint, but she smiles at the corner of her mouth, and it is sweet.
The ambulance stops at the door of the hospital, and I stare curiously until the patient is withdrawn from the ambulance.
He is lying on the bed with blood on the corners of his mouth and his chest. He’s lifeless.
Why did he become so haggard? Why!
“Quickly! Go away!” The medical staff pushes him past me in a hurry.
It is James, what’s wrong with him?
I keep up with it unconsciously, and the little nurse wonders, “What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m going to see!” I walk forward, staggering, and the nurse immediately supports me, “Be careful, don’t fall!”
Why did he lose so much weight? Why is the corner of the mouth full of blood? Why is he sent to the hospital for an emergency?
Why? James, did you take good care of yourself?
I am a sinner. I am anxious and I want to run, but my body is disobedient. The more anxious I am, the slower I am. The nurse can’t help me. I fall to the ground.
I don’t feel anything, it doesn’t hurt at all. I struggle to get up from the ground, but my body just couldn’t help.
“Slow down, I will support you!” The nurse lifts me from the ground.
“What’s wrong with you?” The nurse looks at me in surprise.
And at this time, I have burst into tears without realizing it.
My eyes eagerly look at the direction of the emergency room.
“I’m going to see him, go see him!” I say helplessly.
Do I make James look like this?
Is it because of me?
“I’ll take you there. Don’t worry.” says the little nurse.
When I arrive, I could only stand and watch secretly, because the people who accompany James are all his family.
I don’t even have the qualification to stand by him. I can only watch from a distance anxiously, but I can’t see anything.
My nails fall into the palm of my hand, but I still couldn’t feel the pain. The person is in front of me.
James, you must be fine, you must be fine.
“Do you know? Wait a minute, let me ask what’s going on.” says the little nurse.
I am grateful, “Thank you.”
The last thing I can’t stand is that James is hurt, but I hurt him the most.
Faced with this kind of thing, I have no choice but to have the courage to see him in the face.
I want to see him but I swear in the name of my parents. What should I do? I struggle with pain.
I can’t do anything, and I don’t deserve it.
James, I beg you. Please forget me. This is the biggest retribution to me.
The little nurse comes back quickly, and she says, “The man suffers from excessive stomach bleeding because of alcohol abuse, and comes to the rescue.”
Excessive alcohol? Stomach bleeding? These words seem to be a knife inserted into my heart.
It’s because of me! I hurt him! James, why are you doing this to yourself? I’m the biggest killer!
“Hey, this man must have encountered something. You don’t know, we had an alcoholic death a few days ago. Why people don’t care about their health these days?” The little nurse shakes her head and signs.
A quick scene flashes through my mind, it is all James.
It’s him!
In the bar, he is arrogantly raving, and the laser light shines on his writhing body, sexy, and he smiles at me and says, “Okay, just sleep with you.”
He stands on the ruins and proposes to me, the ultimate romance.
He comes to rescue me, ignoring the death, holding me close in his arms, and resisting all dangers for me.
He says to me in pain, “I love you.” I will never forget that scene, the sadness in my eyes overflowed, and the corners of my eyes are red.
Why?
In the end, we have such an ending? Is me who should blame, right?
I wish to kill myself.
James is then sent to the ward, and I want to see him, just one look would be enough.
But there has never been a chance. He is in the VIP area and there are people around for a long time. I just want to see him secretly and see him.
This thought has been torturing me, I know I should not go to see him, I swore.
But I have him in my mind. I can think of him no matter what I do. He is in the hospital, suffering from pain. I can just look at him.
The crazy breeding and spread of this idea cannot be dispelled at all.
I glance at him secretly, and no one would know. I will see him, it’s that fine?
I can’t wait to get off the bed, I eagerly walk in the direction of James.
Now I think I will die if I don’t see James.
I don’t know if I’m lucky today. I stand aside for a long time, and the people in the ward finally go out.
I stand outside his ward like a thief and look at him secretly from the window.
James is already awake, but he still lies in bed without an energetic mood.
He doesn’t have the glory of the past, his face pale and haggard.
I’m so distressed. Can’t you take care of yourself, James?
The figure is thin, and the whole person becomes particularly decadent. It is not my impression of James.
My heart is really sad, I don’t know if it’s all because of me.
“Who stands there!” Suddenly there is a scream from behind.
James looks at the window door.
I panicked and faced him.