I slump into the lounge chair as my heart pounds heavily in my chest. Now I have heard it all. Joshua Stanton is the biggest mindfuck in the history of the human world. Sleep with someone else-who is he kidding, as if?
“Turkey, swiss cheese and cranberry on rye please, with a skim cap, no sugar,” I mutter flatly to the cashier in the hospital cafeteria as I look into the glass refrigeration cabinet. I’m flat, oh so flat. It is Tuesday lunchtime and I haven’t spoken to Joshua since he left me yesterday morning in what was the worst goodbye you could possibly imagine. Since the time he told me that he wanted me to be with someone else he wouldn’t touch me, he would only cuddle me and even pulled away from kissing me. His way of distancing himself from me … and sending me quietly insane. The sick thing is that if I am completely honest with myself … and I don’t want to be … what he said actually rings true and I feel sick to my stomach. I have regretted not sleeping with someone else and knowing the difference first hand between love and sex … and if I knew one hundred per cent that I wouldn’t hurt him and it would have no consequence on our relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. I eat my lunch in silence as I look out the window, deep in thought about the conversation we had, a cloud of dread hanging heavily over my head. He said that he could never have settled down if he hadn’t slept around and that he couldn’t ask me to do what he wouldn’t be able to do himself. How many women has he slept with over the years? In ten years’ time will I look back and regret not doing this when I already know I regret it now. Why do I feel like this? I’m so confused. But on the flip side I am so proud of myself that I have only been with someone I love … but then that was never my intention. I never set out to do that, it just happened that way. I put my fingers to my temples as I think. I wish I could talk to the girls about this but I promised Joshua it is just between us and I know he is not telling the boys about it either. He is protecting my privacy, my decision. I don’t think I have ever loved him more than I do now, to know that he would sacrifice what he wants to give me a choice is overwhelming. My eyes tear up at the thought. True unconditional love is what he is offering … and deep down that is all I have ever wanted … truly craved.
So why when I am so in love with Joshua does my mind keep going back to Jesten?
I take a sip of my cointreau and a drag of my cigarette as I sit and watch the red dot on my screen flash on the map. She’s leaving work. I run the side of my pointer finger back and forth over my lips as I think, my eyes riveted to the screen. I am in my darkened hotel room feeling very unbalanced. I bugged Natasha’s phone and handbag weeks ago when I found out about Coby Allender. I need to know she is safe and that I can find her if something were to happen. Coby Allender didn’t get off, his case has been adjourned for five weeks and it is a huge relief. Until yesterday I hadn’t turned it on but now I find I can’t turn it off. I am putting myself through torture by watching what she is doing, but I need to know. A knock sounds at the door and I close my eyes in frustration. Go away.
It knocks again. I am not in the mood.
“I know you’re in there,” Cameron’s voice rings out. I shake my head in frustration as I minimise the screen and answer the door.
“What?” I sigh as I open the door.
“What are you doing?” Cameron snaps as he barges past me into the room, followed closely by Murph and Ben.
“What does it look like, idiot?” I snap.
Cameron and Murph throw each other a look. “Well, seeing you are drinking and smoking in your room alone and it’s…” he looks at his watch, “3. 00 pm on a Tuesday, I’m thinking something is up.”
Adrian flops onto the bed and Ben opens the curtains and the sliding door.
“Do you mind?” I snap.
“Not at all,” he answers.
“What’s going on with Tash?” Adrian asks.
“Nothing.”
“Is that the problem?”
I screw up my face. “What are you talking about?’
“Ben said you didn’t stay there last night-are you fighting?”
I throw Ben a dirty look. “No,” I snap. “Keep your nose out of my business, the three of you!”
“Why have you taken all of our guards off Natasha and replaced them with stand-in ones?” Cameron asks.
I narrow my eyes. “Get out, Natasha has a right to privacy you know. I could use some myself at the moment. Leave us alone.”
“Max has stayed with Natasha.”
My eyes flick to Ben in a question.
“He refused to leave her,” he replies.
I nod in relief. I took my guards off Tash and replaced them to give her some room to breathe, but I have been worried ever since. At least I know she is safe with Max watching over her.
“Turn that music down for god’s sake,” Adrian sighs.
“I like this song,” I reply as I light another cigarette.
“What is it?”
“Arctic Monkeys, Do I wanna know,” I reply.
“Yeah, on repeat I’m not so sure,” he sighs
“Get out then.”
“Get dressed. We are going to the gym,” Ben snaps.
I blow out a deep breath. “Ok, I will be out in ten.” They leave the room and I flick the screen back up and I watch the red dot move through the streets. She’s in the car on her way home. I minimise the screen again in disgust at myself. “Snap out of it, Stanton.”
It’s nine o’clock and we have just returned from the gym and dinner. I’m missing Natasha. I just want to see her, hold her. How on earth did I get so dependent on one person? I turn on my computer and wait for it to boot up as I sit and tap my fingers on the desk and blow out a deep breath. After what seems like an eternity the screen comes up and I watch the red dot flash on my screen. I narrow my eyes as I look at the address across the bottom of the screen: 117 Macquarie Street, Sydney. Where is she? What is she doing?
My heart starts to race as I type the address into the Find toolbar.
Sydney InterContinental Hotel flashes up and my stomach twists Oh my god, she’s in a hotel. There is only one reason she would be there.
She’s with someone.