In all honesty I don’t think any woman could hold my beautiful Joshua forever, he’s just not wired that way, even though I know he desperately wants to be. He tried … and failed. I gave everything to him and still in the end it wasn’t enough.
I don’t trust him, I have lost all faith in his words. I never trusted her. But I trusted him with my heart and he broke it. I know I will never love again like I did him … and that’s ok, I don’t want to.
We pull in and Max turns and looks at me. He frowns, “You ok?”
I nod as I look into my lap. “Yeah, I can feel another migraine coming. It will pass.” I smile at him. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile and sits silently, watching me. I can tell he wants to say something but is holding his tongue. He’s leaving me, I know it. He just doesn’t know how to tell me. He and Mum have become good friends and I know they talk about me. I can hear them late at night when they think I am asleep. He’s worried about me … I’m worried about me. I need to snap out of this … shitty time I’m having.
We get out of the car and walk quietly up the stairs.
“Tash, take your phone out of your bag, honey,” he whispers as we get to my door.
I frown at him.
“Do it,” he whispers. I do as he asks.
“I will stand right here ok. You call me if you need me. I’ll be right at the door.”
I frown at him as I open the door and step back in shock. Joshua is standing front and centre in my lounge room. His haunted eyes meet mine. My eyes immediately fill with tears and I close the door silently behind me.
Dear god … he’s so beautiful. A wave of affection rolls over me. Why? Why has he come? I can’t take this, I’m not strong enough.
He is wearing his three-piece navy suit, his armour from the outside world. His dark hair and skin are in contrast to his white shirt. His hands are in his pockets. I stand still, rooted to the spot.
“Natasha,” he whispers.
Instantly my lip quivers and my tears fall onto my cheeks. He rushes me and grabs me into an embrace, where I fall against his chest.
We stand still and silent. His arms around me and my arms straight at my sides. I sob out loud. I want to stay in his arms … I can’t say goodbye. I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this. He kisses my temple. “Tash … I’ve missed you.”
The lump in my throat forms and I can’t speak. I want to tell him I’ve missed him too, but I can’t. I need to be strong for the both of us. I need to set him free so he can be with Amelie … I know he loves her. He just doesn’t realise it yet and he won’t, until I release him. He kisses my face again, his eyes close in reverence. I need to do this, I need to get it over with.
I pull out of his embrace and fold my arms in front of me in defence. He bites his bottom lip as he thinks.
“Natasha, let me explain. I need to tell you what happened that night,” he whispers. I want to scream at him to get out but I need to hear this.
I nod nervously.
“Tash, I was … so sad. I didn’t think you were coming back to me. Cameron and Adrian had sat me down that day and told me I needed to snap out of it and they didn’t think you were coming back either.” He shakes his head in regret as his eyes fill with tears. “I went to Willowvale. I hadn’t been there since I came back to America. I wanted to see Jasper.”
I stand still as I picture what he is telling me, my face expressionless.
He swallows again. “I had dinner with Amelie and a few glasses of wine.”
He shakes his head too quickly. “I finished up and went to my room. I had a shower and I had come out of the bathroom with a towel around me.”
My eyes close in pain.
He frowns as he relives the memory. “Amelie was in my room, and she had a robe on.”
I hold my hand up in a stop signal. I can’t hear this.
“Tash … I don’t know what happened. One minute I was sitting on the bed, the next thing she was on top of me.”
I slam my hands over my ears. Stop it … stop it … stop it.
“Tash, I promise you. As soon as I realised what was happening I pushed her off me. I told her I was in love with you.”
I stand still with my hands over my ears and yet I can hear every sordid detail he is explaining to me in IMAX.
The caustic tears burn my face as they roll down my cheeks.
“Natasha, I swear to you. It was just once and it went for one minute. There was no emotion. She lied to hurt you … which in turn hurts me.”
My head drops as I think.
“I was furious with her. I trusted her and she … she forced herself onto me. Tash … please,” he whispers.
I can’t talk. If I say anything, I know I will take him back. I love him just too much.
“Natasha … please talk to me.”
I shake my head.
“I had a massive fight with Amelie. I was so mad at her. I got dressed and got the hell out of there. Then I went home. I was so disgusted with myself, I watched the movies of the two of us together all weekend and then I took drugs like a fucking idiot.
I had no idea you were coming back and yet I was still mortified at what I had done.”
My eyes hold his, but I hold my tongue. Don’t say anything … don’t say anything.
“Tash. Please,” he whispers again.
I turn and walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me. I get my phone from my back pocket and I text Cameron.
Get the hell over here.
I try to calm myself for a minute and then I flush the toilet, wash my hands and re-enter the room.
He rushes me again and holds me tight in an embrace. “Precious, I swear. I love you more than anything. We can get over this. We can go to counselling, whatever it takes. We are stronger than this. We love each other too much. We have been through too much.”
I sob out loud onto his chest. How do women do this? How do they find the strength to walk away from someone they love so desperately?
“Speak to me,” he asks.
I stay silent.
“Tash, please. Speak to me.”