For a while, I couldn’t speak! Literally, I was speechless! And when I regained my composure from the shock, I threw the remaining chocolate porridge in my bowl at him. Abortion?
How could I do that?
I couldn’t even find that word in my vocabulary. And why would I kill my own child, anyway? Yes, the man who impregnated me left, but that wasn’t a reason to terminate the baby in my womb. It’s just too cruel, especially since I was fully aware of the consequences when we did it! It’s purely horrible!
“Jamie!”
The man suddenly stood up as he felt the warmth of chocolate porridge on his skin.
“Fyi, Brent, I didn’t have our child aborted. She was already dead when I gave birth!” When I confirmed that I was pregnant, a mix of joy, apprehension, and fear enveloped me.
I was happy because Brent would, in a way, still be with me through our child. And who wouldn’t feel scared and worried during pregnancy, especially at a young age? I knew it wouldn’t be good for the baby if I were always sad and gloomy, so I tried to ignore all the problems and live happily.
During the times when Mom would ignore me, I didn’t mind it. I also shut my ears from the judgmental neighbors who said I deserved punishment from God for getting pregnant early.
I did everything I could to save money for my child’s needs. Even in the early hours of the morning, I would wake up to go to the fish port in the nearby town. With my meager savings, I invested in buying fish and would sell them while walking.
It would have been better if I had a stall at the public market, but I couldn’t afford the monthly rent. I stopped selling fish when my belly grew bigger, and it became challenging for me to ride a jeepney.
Three months before giving birth, I bought enough fabric to make cloth diapers and painstakingly sewed the edges. After sewing each one, I embroidered the name “Jane” on every cloth.
Mom scolded me for preparing things for the baby while still in the womb. I didn’t listen to her because who could I rely on during my pregnancy? If I didn’t prepare for Jane’s arrival, I would be more miserable in the future.
I also opened our trunk and took out my old baby clothes, washed them, and used them again. In this way, I needed to buy fewer new things. Then, the day I had been waiting for finally arrived.
It was only six o’clock in the morning when I bathed and shaved the private part of my body where Jane would come out, as advised by the Midwife. After having breakfast, I went to the lying-in clinic where I would give birth. Mom didn’t want to accompany me, so I walked the distance from our house to the clinic alone.
When I arrived at the clinic, there were other pregnant women who were also about to give birth, so my worries lessened a bit. They didn’t know that they were the source of my strength during that time.
I told myself that if they could do it, so could I. Even though I felt like I was dying from the pain in my stomach, I endured it and strengthened my resolve. The important thing was to give birth properly and normally. I also didn’t have the money for a C-section. It was just courage and a little money that I had.
When I was in the delivery room, I felt a mixture of nervousness and fear. They said that when a woman gives birth, it’s like one foot is already in the grave. Anyway, I followed all the instructions given to me by the Midwife and her assistants.
When she said “push,” that was the only time I pushed. When the baby’s head came out, she instructed me to push harder with my mouth tightly closed, so the baby would come out smoothly. I followed everything.
I made one strong push, and Jane came out. I smiled upon seeing her tiny body. The midwife handed her to her assistant to clean her up, and they told me that the baby who came out of me was lifeless.
In those moments, I wanted to go crazy and cry, but they stopped me and advised me to remain calm despite everything. I was not allowed to emote, as it might be too much for my heart to bear, dangerous for someone like me, and it might even lead to my death due to excessive grief.
On that day, not a single tear fell from my eyes. They also took care of Jane’s papers at the Municipal registrar. But when I heard that the registrar rejected registering the baby because I didn’t have a husband, I almost couldn’t control myself. Good thing the midwife convinced that woman to do it.
“Don’t ever mention to me that I had the baby aborted because that’s not true! If you only knew what I went through…”
I broke into tears because of anger and frustration that there are people like Michelle living in this world. What did I do wrong to that woman that she has so much hatred for me?
“I’m sorry.” He tried to hug me, but I refused and distanced myself from him.
“When they told me that the baby I gave birth to was lifeless, do you have any idea how I felt? It was so painful. I thought I would follow her, but it didn’t happen. Every day, I feel guilty because she died in my womb! Until now, I still blame myself for what happened to her!”
“Forgive yourself, Jamie. It wasn’t your fault that she died. Remember, everything that happened in your life has a reason.”
“I don’t even have a picture of Jane… I really miss her so much..”
“There’s a way for you to see her again, Jamie.”
Suddenly, my ears seemed to grow bigger when I heard Brent say that there was a way for me to see my child again. I didn’t know he knew about magic!
“Tell me how,” I continued crying while asking him how I could see my lost child again.
“We’ll have another baby-”
I gave the lying man a slap. How dare he joke about that now? He’s so shameless!
“Get out!”