He presses his hand to his forehead, unable to give me an answer.
I stare at him. “I don’t even know you,” I whisper.
His face falls. “Don’t say that.”
“Where’s the beautiful man I fell in love with?”
He gestures to himself. “He’s right here.”
“No.” I shake my head in disgust. “Alina’s husband is here and I don’t love him. He’s a fucking coward.”
His eyes well with tears. “Bree…”
I turn and walk to my car on autopilot. I’ve never been so hurt before in my life. Even my ex, the adultering prick, didn’t hurt me this badly.
I start the car and drive out of the parking lot. Julian stands behind his car with his hands in his suit pockets, watching me, devoid of emotion.
I begin to howl, trying desperately to see the road through my tears.
That’s it…
We’re done.
Julian
I walk into the bar to find my two best friends at the back booth, and I fall in beside them. My beer is already waiting for me.
“Hey.” Seb smiles. “You look like fucking shit, man.”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t ask.” I pick up my glass and drain it, quickly putting my hand up for another.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?”
“She wants marriage and babies.”
They both frown and glance at each other. “And?” Seb asks.
“I don’t.”
They both raise their eyebrows and sip their beer, afraid to comment.
I stare at the television on the wall with a huge lump in my throat as I picture her heartbroken face. I close my eyes and exhale heavily.
Seb is frowning when I look up again. “I’m lost.” He points his beer at me. “Why do you look so shit if you don’t want marriage and babies?”
“Because I love her,” I whisper.
They exchange looks and Seb holds out his hand. “Well… I mean, she is twenty-two.”
“Twenty-six,” I correct him.
“Of course she’s going to want marriage and babies. Where the hell did you think this relationship was going to go?”
I rest my elbow on the table and drop my head into my hand. “I don’t fucking know. Not here.”
“I take it she didn’t take the news too well?” Spencer asks.
“We argued about it last weekend.” I sip my beer.
They both frown as they listen.
“Today she opened a confirmation letter for a vasectomy I had booked this week.” I rub my hand through my hair.
“Ouch.” Seb winces at Spencer. “That’s got to hurt.”
I close my eyes. “You should have seen her face,” I whisper sadly.
“Fuck. If I were her I would have given you the vasectomy on the spot with my knee,” Spencer murmurs.
“He hasn’t gone home yet. That’s probably going to happen tonight.”
They both chuckle at their stupid joke.
“What are you going to do?” Spencer asks.
Another round of drinks arrive.
The walls start to close in around me and I feel my chest tighten as I consider both my options. The thought of repeating what I’ve been through with Alina terrifies me so badly, it nearly brings on a panic attack.
But how am I supposed to live without Bree?
She’s everything to me.
I drain my beer and stare at the television screen on the wall above us. Not that I can see it. All I see is Bree’s heartbroken face. All I hear is the disappointment and sadness in her whispered voice. Her words come back to me.
“Alina’s husband is here and I don’t love him. He’s a fucking coward.”
I can’t be here. I put my glass onto the table and stand. “I’ve got to go home.”
“I thought we were going out tonight?” Seb frowns.
“Yeah, I got bigger fucking worries than a night out with you two losers. Catch you later.”
I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember walking up the front steps or unlocking the door. I stand in the dark foyer and look around the silent house.
Is she here?
She’s left already…
“Bree?” I call. No answer. “Bree?” I walk down to her room and I open the door, peering in. “Bree?”
The boys could have been onto something about that castration. The showers on, and I walk in to find her curled up in a ball crying as the hot water runs over her.
My heart breaks. “Baby,” I whisper.
I take off my clothes and climb in, immediately pulling her onto my lap. “Shh,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I kiss her forehead as I hold her tightly and she cries on my chest. I can’t stand seeing her this hurt. “It’s okay. I won’t get it. I won’t get it, I promise,” I whisper into her hair.
She clings to me and I hold her. I don’t know how to make this better.
I don’t want more children.
I don’t want marriage.
But I love her so much.
This is an impossible situation. One of us has to live a lie for the other to be happy.
Brielle
We sit in the bottom of the shower for over an hour, I’m on Julian’s lap. He lets me cry as he whispers apologies for hurting me. I don’t know how to deal with this. …only that tonight he is back with me and isn’t blocking me out like he has been for the last week.
“Come on,” he mutters. “Let’s get you out of here, you’re going cold.” He pulls me to my feet and wraps his arms around me. I cling to him. I feel like we’re close to the end of our time together, and I know he does, too.
“Bree,” he whispers.
I keep my head on his chest.
“Look at me, baby.”
I drag my eyes up to his and he takes my face in his hands. “I love you so much. Please know how much I love you.”
I stare up him, numb.
“I won’t get a vasectomy.” He kisses me softly. “I promise. Okay? I don’t know what I was thinking. I freaked out and…” His voice trails off.
I nod, mollified for the moment.
“Just give me some time.” He kisses me softly. “I just need some more time.”
My eyes search his.
“Please?” he whispers. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
I drop my head to his chest and he holds me tight. Maybe we can work through this.
“You hurt me,” I whisper.
“I know.” He presses another kiss to my lips. “I’m sorry.”
Our kiss turns passionate and my face creases against his. It’s been a long week of tension and I’ve missed my man. Maybe we just needed to have it out and now things will be okay?
He wraps me in a towel and dries me before we move to lie down together on the bed.
He runs his fingers through my hair, never taking his eyes off me. He seems miles away. What’s he thinking about? We’re staring at each other as he dusts the backs of his fingers down my cheek, a small smile creeping onto his face
“What are you smiling at?” I ask.
“You.” He leans in and kisses me. “Your lips go blue when you cry.”
“That’s the frostbite from your heart.”
He smiles. “I deserved that.”
“How is this going to work, Jules?” He frowns. “I don’t know.” His eyes hold mine. “Do we have to decide now? Can’t all these big decisions wait?”
“For what?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know, but I feel like I’ve only just found you and we’ve been together for two minutes. Suddenly we have to make a decision on the rest of our lives.” He shrugs. “What’s the rush?”
“I don’t want to fuck you in the dark, Julian. I want to love you in the light,” I whisper. “I can’t lie to Willow any longer.” I shake my head. “Every time I lie to her I die a little inside. She deserves the truth.”
He exhales heavily and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.
Ding dong.
“Sammy,” I whisper, sitting up. “He’s getting dropped home. I completely forgot.”
Julian jumps up, grabs his clothes and throws them on. “You stay here, I’ll sort it.”
He disappears out of the room, closing the door behind him. I turn off the light and crawl under the blankets. My eyelids are so heavy. I’m exhausted from all my crying.
I close my eyes and try to forget today ever happened.
If only.
I wake with a start to find Julian lying on his side watching me.
“Hi,” I whisper. I vaguely remember him crawling into bed late last night and wrapping himself around me as I slept.
“Hi.” His gaze falls to my shoulder as if he’s too ashamed to make eye contact. We say nothing for a while, until he eventually spits the words out like they’re poison. “I’m sorry.”
“About what?”
“For last night.” He pulls me close and holds me in his arms. “I shouldn’t have gone out and left you.”
I frown. That’s not what I’m upset about? But I stay silent, unsure what to say.
“Bree. I just…” He pauses, searching my eyes. “I just…”
“You just what Julian?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about you start with the truth?”
He swallows the lump in his throat as he watches me. “You know I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
I watch him intently.
He frowns as he struggles with his words. He brushes the hair back from my forehead. “What’s the rush?”
“There is no rush.”
His eyes search mine as if he’s hoping to read my mind. “On a scale of one to ten, how important are marriage and babies for you?” he asks softly.