Silence.
“Is it possible that Eliza verbalized your deepest fear?”
After a while, he softly says, “I already knew.”
“You knew what?” Amanda asks.
“Deep down, I knew she would think that I only wanted her for a child.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t fit into society’s box and she does.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Because…?” Amanda prompts.
“Because as much as I want to believe in it, love isn’t love.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“Out of everyone in the world, Eliza knows me better than anyone, and if she doesn’t believe in my heart,” he whispers sadly, “nobody ever will.”
The tears break free and roll down my face.
“Oh, Nathe,” I whisper. This was before he read my letter.
He actually believed I didn’t love him.
Amanda goes on to say something else but I don’t want to hear any more.
I can’t stand it.
I fumble with my phone and turn it off. Then I throw my phone out onto the couch in the living room.
I pour myself another wine so fast that it sloshes over the side of the glass. My heart is racing in despair. Enough is enough.
No more pain.
I sit at the kitchen counter and wipe my eyes. Nathan will be home soon.
I’ve cooked his favorite dinner and dessert. I’ve showered and primped and now I just feel so sad.
So guilty, and so, so stupid.
Nathan and I broke each other’s hearts because we couldn’t communicate. Now that I’ve heard those transcripts, it’s opened back up my emotions, and everything feels so real and raw.
I can’t stop crying.
I’ve listened to them all and I can feel his pain. I imagine him heartbroken and going to a stripper for sex. I can’t stand it.
I hear the key in the door, and I quickly wipe my eyes.
“Hey!” he calls happily. He walks around the corner, sees me, and his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
His silhouette blurs. “I’m so sorry, Nathe,” I whisper.
His brow furrows in confusion.
“Love is love.” I wince through my tears. “I should never have left.”
He stares at me for a moment.
“Can you forgive me?” I whisper.
He rushes to me and wraps me in his arms. “It was my fault. I should have told you.”
“No-”
“Ssh,” he cuts me off as he kisses my lips. The emotion between us is so strong that it tears my heart wide open.
“I’m moving back in, no more games,” I murmur as he kisses me. “I’ll never leave you again.”
We cling to each other, and he drops his head to my neck as he holds me tightly.
And it’s still there, the pain in his grip.
The person who he loves the most left him because he was different to anyone else she knew.
What kind of person does that?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whisper again and again as I hold him.
He pulls back to look at me, and he wipes my eyes as he smiles. “Stop, it’s over, and we’re never going back there. It’s time to move on from both of our issues.”
I smile up at him as I push the hair back from his forehead. “I love you, Nathe. More than anything, I love you. Tell me how to make this up to you.”
“I love you, too.” He holds me cheek to cheek and smiles. “There is one thing you can do,” he says softly.
“What’s that?”
His eyes meet mine, “Marry me.” His eyes twinkle with a certain something.
My heart stops.
“Are you serious?” I whisper.
“Too soon?” He closes his eyes, as if he’s filled with regret. “Oh, man, I was supposed to wait…”
“For what?”
“For me to plan something romantic and perfect that you would never forget.” He kisses me softly. “But I can’t wait any longer.” He kisses me again. “I love you too much.”
Our kiss deepens and, oh, I couldn’t love this man any more than I do, and yet I know tomorrow, I will.
“What do you say, Lize?” He smiles softly. “Do you want to be my wife?”
“You bet, I do.”
He picks me up and twirls me round as we both laugh. We kiss again and again. Who is he kidding? How could there be a more romantic and perfect time than now?
“Dinner smells fucking amazing. What is it?” he mumbles against my lips.
“Eggplant soup, followed by eggplant lasagne, and then eggplant pie for dessert.”
He glances over to the oven with a look of disgust. “Are you serious?”
“Deadly.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “That isn’t the type of eggplant I had in mind, Eliza.”
I laugh as I pull him in for another kiss. “Well, some fool delivered me sixteen eggplants so we have to use them.” I tease.
He chuckles and he squeezes me tightly. “You ask, and I deliver.”
* * *
We lie in the darkness on our sides, staring at each other.
Tonight has been monumental for us.
We got engaged, made love, and then we had dinner. After that, we made love again and again, took a deep, hot bath together, and now, as the dust of heartbreak settles, we’re talking. And not just skimming around subjects, either. It’s like our commitment has changed things and we are opening up to each other like never before.
Married.
The feeling of intimacy between us is like nothing I’ve ever felt.
“The butt plug thing,” I whisper.
Nathan watches me. “What about it?”
“I thought you wanted to have anal sex with me… because you missed it.”
“What?” He frowns. “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Why would I have thought any of the things I have thought?”
“I wanted it for you.”
My eyes search his as I run my fingers through his stubble. “What do you mean?”
“Babe… .” He pauses as if getting the wording right. “You are so perfect, but so… naive, sexually.”
“You think I’m vanilla?” I whisper, wide-eyed.
He chuckles. “Your vanilla just happens to be my favorite flavor.” He kisses me quickly as if to soften the sting.
I bite my lip as I contemplate this theory. It never occurred to me that I’m sexually vanilla. I always thought I was technicolored, fucking fantastic flavor.
“You said you a wanted a bad man to teach you bad things.”
“So, you tried to deliver, and I read into it the wrong way.” I sigh heavily.
God……what a colossal fuck-up.
“It’s fine. I get why you did.” He smiles and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do that. I never want you to do anything that your uncomfortable with.”
I stare at him, and this is it: the moment where I define what we will be. “I want to.”
I kiss his neck and then my lips brush lower onto his chest. I take his nipple into my mouth and nip it with me teeth. “I want to be everything that you need.”
“You already are. You’re not ready for that yet.
“So get me ready.”
His eyes hold mine as I drop between his legs. He inhales sharply and opens them in invitation. I lick the tip of his dick as the air crackles between us. “Are you up to the challenge?” I lick him again. “Can you train me to fuck me how you want to? My husband deserves so much more than vanilla.”
He smiles darkly as he grabs my hair in his two hands and slides deep down my throat. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Our story isn’t neat and it doesn’t fit into any boxes. We are complicated and messy.
Fucked up and tainted.
But…
This is love.
Our Way.
The End.