I go over the last few days and how me not falling into Nathan’s arms in New York worked out well. I have my own apartment and my independence now. I don’t feel pressured or insecure. I feel like me-like how I’m supposed to feel.
And him asking his new therapist to send me the transcripts is a big deal. Nathan has always been so secretive.
Actually, I wonder if she sent them. I dry my hands on a tea towel and grab my phone to check my emails.
Amanda Beynon Therapy Transcripts.
I click on the first one and hit play. I stand my phone up against the window sill so I can listen as I continue with my pastry.
I hear a rustling, and I turn up the volume on my phone as I concentrate to hear them.
“Hello, Nathan,” a female voice says. “I’m Amanda.”
I listen intently as I spread the flour over the counter, they must be shaking hands.
“Hi. Nathan Mercer.”
“Please take a seat. Lay it back until you’re comfortable.”
I smile as I visualize Nathan lying on her office chair.
“What brings you here today?” Amanda asks.
“Um.” He hesitates. “I’m… I’m not … doing so well.”
I frown and stop what I’m doing so I can concentrate. The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention.
“Tell me about what’s going on,” she replies.
“I, … I had.” He stops.
My heart drops, he’s struggling to talk.
“Take your time,” Amanda says softly. She’s kind and caring, I can hear it in her voice.
“I just…” He pauses again. “I broke up with my girlfriend and I don’t seem to be able to move on.”
“Okay, I see. How long ago did this happen?”
“Six months.”
I frown. Wait. Is this from before we reconnected?
“Have you seen her since?” she asks.
“No.”
Oh shit, it is before we saw each other again.
“I see.” She listens for a moment. “And why did you end your relationship?”
“She left me.” He sighs sadly.
“Why was that?”
“She didn’t love me enough to stay.”
“What’s her name?”
“Eliza.”
“Did Eliza tell you that?” Amanda asks.
“Yes, and she moved to New York to get away from me.”
My heart drops.
“Were there any issues between you?”
“A million,” he replies, monotone, I close my eyes as I am transported back to the darkness.
“Tell me about Eliza,” Amanda says softly.
I hold my breath “She’s the most beautiful person I know. Selfless and sweet.”
“You sound very close.”
“She’s more myself than I am,” he replies softly.
My eyes fill with tears.
“What happened between you?” she asks.
“We were best friends for ten years and I was with other people. Men.”
“How do you identify your sexuality, Nathan?”
“Pansexual,” he replies without hesitation.
My eyebrows rise. Wow, he seems definite on that answer now.
Progress.
“But while we were friends, I fell in love with her.”
I smile softly.
“How long were you together?”
“Six weeks.”
“How long were you in love with her before that?”
“Ten years.
I sip my wine, fascinated by what I’m hearing.
“Although, I didn’t realize it for a long time.”
“And how did you finally come to that realization?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with anyone else. I only wanted to be with her.”
“So, you were having sex with her the entire time?”
“No, we were platonic friends. But I would rather go without sex than sleep beside someone else. In the end, I couldn’t betray her. Not even if I had wanted to.”
“Sleeping beside her was important to you?”
“She was the best thing in my life.”
I close my eyes in regret. Why didn’t he just talk to me.
“What was the catalyst for your breakup?” Amanda asks.
“She thinks that I only wanted to be with her so that I could have children.”
My heart sinks, and the apple hisses in the saucer on the hotplate. “Shit.” I snap as I lift it off the heat.
“How did that make you feel?” Amanda asks.
Silence…
“Nathan,” she urges. “Tell me how that made you feel.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Aren’t you here to sort this problem out?”
“I… I can’t talk about it,” he stammers. “I have to go.”
I frown as I listen. What? He’s going to just walk out?
“Sit back down, Nathan,” she demands.
Silence.
With a shaky hand, I sip my wine.
“I would like to talk about it if we can,” Amanda says.
“I can’t.” Nathan stammers and I can hear the stress in his voice. “I tried.”
Nerves dance in my stomach.
“Who did you try and talk to about it?”
“Eliza,” he replies softly.
“What did Eliza say?”
“She fobbed it off-said I was overreacting,” he whispers.
God, I did.
“She was more worried about my ex.”
“What about your ex?”
“He told her that he wanted me back, the day after I found out what she thought of me.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I was too upset about Eliza to care about Robert. He’s irrelevant.”
“You don’t feel the same about him?”
“No. Eliza knew that. I told her many times I didn’t have feelings for him.”
“Does Eliza know how much she hurt you?”
Silence.
“Did you talk to Eliza about how you felt?” Amanda prompts.
“I couldn’t.” He pauses. “I didn’t want to be near her.”
“Why not?”
“Because I loved her with everything I had and still, it wasn’t enough.”
I get a lump in my throat.
Fuck.
“I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to her, but I couldn’t. I still can’t. I just… can’t talk about it to anyone, even though I want to. I don’t know. It’s fucking weird.”
“Nathan.” Amanda pauses. “Have you ever heard of burnout?”
“Like stress, you mean?”
“Burnout is the experience of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, often caused by long-term involvement in emotionally demanding situations.”
“What does that mean?”
“Could it be, Nathan, that you shut down on Eliza because you were battling with yourself over your love for her, and you had been for a long time?”
What does she mean by that?