Eliza
October
“Eliza, go home.” Miranda, my boss, smiles. “You have three whole days off. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing much. Go to the gym, walk in Central Park, food shopping. Same stuff, different week.”
Miranda laughs. “Well, enjoy the sunshine. The weather is supposed to be beautiful this week.”
“Thanks.” I grab my bag from my locker. “See you on Friday.”
I walk up the hall toward the elevator. I love this job. I love this hospital. I feel really at home here. This is my tenth week in New York. I’ve made a few friends from the gym and I’m trying to keep myself busy.
I had no idea what I was signing myself up for when I moved across the country. Thinking back, it was so incredibly brave… or just plain stupid.
Either way, my plan didn’t work.
I haven’t heard from Nathan since the day I told him I was thinking about leaving.
So much for giving him space to sort his feelings out. I really thought we were more than this.
I exhale heavily and make my way out into the bus bay. I cross my arms and wrap my jacket around me. It’s dark and cold. Every day, it’s like I play this little game with myself. How long can I act happy before I crack and have a complete meltdown?
Tears threaten, constantly. It just takes one thing to trigger a memory, one song, the tiniest little thing, and I’m back in Heartbreak Hell, as if it just happened.
It’s hard to pretend that the love of my life hasn’t ripped my fucking heart out.
I’m losing hope. I thought it would take Nathan two weeks, at the most, to miss me.
I guess not.
The bus pulls up, and I climb on and show the driver my pass. I take a seat by the window and stare as the scenery goes rushing by.
I feel like I’m living in a detached state, hovering way above and watching myself from the sky. Living life as normal, while dealing with an insidious disease.
A frostbitten heart.
Every day, it freezes a little more and I lose another piece of myself. It’s like the Antarctica and my heart is an iceberg, slowly melting and dripping into the sea.
Never to be whole again.
I keep reminding myself that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m working and financially independent. There are no children involved. I’m free to move on with my life.
But if I had a baby, I would have a piece of him.
One that I could keep.
I inhale deeply as I close my eyes and repeat my mantra.
No tears. No more tears.
I thought I was braver than this. I don’t know why this break up has messed me up so hard but I’m going to pull myself together. I really am.
I have to.
“Is this seat taken?” a man asks.
“No.” I shuffle over to make room for him, and he takes a seat.
The bus travels along the road, and I stare up at the moon.
It’s big and round and I wonder if Nathan is looking up at it, too.
I get off the bus and arrive at my building. I see a familiar face, and I run to her.
April has surprised me, and I jump into her arms.
Feeling the safety of her love brings down my walls, and I find myself crying into her shoulder.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here now. I’ve got you,” she whispers as she holds me tightly.
And for the first time in so long, I feel safe. April’s here.
I feel loved.
Nathan
November
I copy the number from my computer screen into my phone, and I wait as it rings.
“Hello, Laser Clinic,” the chirpy voice answers.
I swivel in my chair. “Hello, I would like to make an appointment for a consultation, please. I’ll need the latest in the day or after business hours, if possible.”
“Of course, what is the consult in regards to?”
“Tattoo removal.”
I can hear her typing into her computer. “And what and where is the tattoo you want removed?”
“Lower right side, rib cage, and it’s of three birds.”
“Okay, did you want them fully removed?”
“Yes, completely gone.”
“And how long have you had them for?”
I frown as I think. “About five or six months.”
“Oh, so they are relatively new?”
It feels like a lifetime ago since I got them. “I guess.”
“And reason for the removal?”
“Come again?” I frown. Nosy fucking bitch. Why does she need to know this shit?
“I mean, is there a problem with the tattoo, such as inferior workmanship, etcetera?”
“Ah,” I pause as I choose my words carefully. “No, I… they aren’t what I thought they would be. I just need them removed immediately.”
“Okay, I can book you in on the twenty-third of this month.”
“There’s nothing sooner?” I frown.
“No, I’m sorry. That’s our first available late appointment. We can do 6:00 p. m..”
Maybe I should call someone else? I exhale heavily. I want it done tonight. Fuck it. I don’t want to be reminded of what I don’t have every day when I look in the mirror. “Yes, that’s fine.” I sigh.
“Okay, great, we will see you then. Do you know our address?”
I look at the website. “You on Pitt Street?”
“That’s right. We will see you soon.”
“Thank you, goodbye.”
My intercom sounds.
“Yes, Maria?” I say.
“Dr. Mercer, have you got the dictation on the reporting that you want done this afternoon?”
“It won’t be long.”
“Sir, I need it if you-”
“I am well aware, Maria,” I snap, cutting her off. “Please, just do as I ask you to do, when I ask you to do it. I don’t want to hear your opinion.” I bark.
“Yes, Doctor.”
I roll my eyes. I’m sick to fucking death of her busting my balls.
“We also need to go through your schedule for the next two months.”
“Not today.”
“I need it today. Your waiting list is out of control, and I need to know when I can make appointments.”
I close my eyes in frustration. God, give me strength.
“Maria?”
“Yes, Doctor?”
“When I say not today, I mean not today. Do you understand what that means or do I need to bring you out a copy of the English dictionary?”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“Goodbye.” I push the intercom with force. Fucking hell, that woman is nagging me to death.
I press the button on my voice recorder and begin to go through my recorded notes. There’s a knock on the door, and it opens before I can say anything.
Maria comes in with a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. She places it in front of me, and I narrow my eyes. “What is this?”
“Cake, to sweeten you up.” She fusses around and cleans my desk, leaving me to sit back and watch her.
“Move,” she orders as she goes to wipe my desk down.
I sit back to give her space. I watch her for a few minutes. “Are you finished?”
“Nearly.”
“Well, hurry up.” I sigh. “And stop nagging me.”
“You stop being a grumpy ass.” She neatens the magazines.