I smirk, already knowing what he’s going to say.
“Would you have gone out with me?”
I dig through my food with my chopsticks. “Yeah.” I smile. “I would have. You’re cute in a weird kind of way.”
His eyes hold mine. “Well, fuck.” He raises his glass and takes a sip. “Here’s to the worst timing ever.”
I giggle. I really do like Henry, and I know I need to be honest. “I have a confession.”
“You’re going to leave him for me?” he teases with a wink.
I laugh. “No… but I am maybe leaving work.”
His face falls. “Oh no, why?”
“I’m just not loving it. I’m sorry.”
“Is it something I can fix?”
“I’m missing nursing, the buzz of the hospital, and I haven’t decided anything yet, but I just wanted you to know in case I do decide.”
He smiles sadly. “Well, that blows but I completely understand. Thanks for being honest.”
We eat in silence for a while.
“What are you going to do about the boyfriend?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Hopefully, work it out.” I sip my drink. “Your idea about space from each other makes a lot of sense.”
“You never know. It may very well work.”
I smile, grateful for the chat. “Thanks, Henry.” I wish I could blurt out all my issues, but I can’t.
These are mine and Nathan’s problems, and only we can fix them.
And we will…
I hope.
* * *
I sit at the dining table and listen to the clock ticking on the wall. I haven’t had the guts to do the pregnancy test alone. Nathan will be home soon. I texted him an hour and a half ago, and he said he had just finished surgery and would be home about now.
I never thought I’d see the day where waiting for Nathan made me nervous. But he’s acting different. He isn’t texting me. He isn’t looking after me. He isn’t being my Nathan.
I frown at the notion. Was he ever my Nathan, or was he just on loan?
We need to talk. God, we need to talk, and I know he’s still angry about what Jolie said to him the other night, but he’s locked me out.
He’s cold and detached.
He told me that he doesn’t want Robert, that he loves me and that he wants a future with me…. but actions speak louder than words.
I keep hearing his voice as it cracked last night. He was so hurt by Robert’s admission of love.
And if he didn’t feel the same, it wouldn’t have affected him the way it did.
I have this sinking feeling, and as much as I hate to admit it but I don’t know if he would still be here if the pregnancy wasn’t hanging over us. I close my eyes, it’s too painful to comprehend.
I’m dreading being pregnant… but I’m dreading not being pregnant more.
If I’m pregnant, he’s trapped. If I’m not,…. he’s free to go… to him.
My eyes well with tears at the thought.
I feel sick to my stomach and have thrown up twice.
I get a vision of him and Robert living happily ever after, and me, alone and brokenhearted.
Ten years. Ten years of love and friendship. It’s a lot to lose.
I angrily wipe my tears away. Stop being so negative. It’s going to be fine.
He loves me-I know he loves me-but, deep down, I know he loves Robert, too. I put my head into my hands in sadness.
It isn’t supposed to be like this. I’m thirty-one years old and I feel like an insecure teenager, scared that my douche of a boyfriend wants somebody else.
But then the sad reality sets in. My boyfriend isn’t a douchebag. He’s a beautiful man who I am deeply in love with.
Is his heart aching for someone else?
My chest constricts, how would I recover from this…if… .
The key turns in the door, and my heart somersaults in my chest. Nathan comes into view and gives me a lopsided smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I stand and go to him. He kisses me on the cheek before he brushes past me.
My heart drops at his cold demeanour.
He rattles through his briefcase and produces a brown paper bag. He pulls out a pregnancy test and holds it out for me.
“Can you take this, please?”
I stare at his haunted face as more hope about us is lost. I just want to howl to the moon. “Sure.” I take it from him and walk into the bathroom.
My heartbeat echoes in my ears.
I lock the bathroom door and open the box. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve so I can try and read the blurred instructions.
How can he be so cold?
I pee on the stick, and before I look at the result, I walk back out into the living room and I pass it to him.
We stare at each other for a moment, and I screw up my face in tears.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers.
“How can I not?” I sob. “Look at how you’re treating me.”
“I’m just… we’re not ready for children, Eliza.”
“You know what?” I cry. “Just fucking go, Nathan. You want to, so don’t let me and a baby hold you back.”
I can’t take this. I need to get away from him. I grab my bag and storm toward the door but Nathan jumps up and grabs me from behind.
“Don’t go,” He says into my hair as he holds me tight.
“What do you want, Nathan?” I whisper. “Is it me or him?”
“It’s you. You know it’s you.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers as he holds me tightly.
He holds the test up in front of us, and we both read it at the same time.
One line.
One line…
“It’s negative,” he whispers. “But still too early to tell.” He holds me tighter.
I struggle to break free from his grip. “Let me go, Nathan.” I cry.
“I can’t.”
“You’re no good to me if you’re confused,” I whisper angrily.
“Don’t, baby,” he murmurs into my hair.
“Let me fucking go.” I burst out of his arms.
“Don’t you dare walk out that fucking door.”
“Or what?” I cry.
“I mean it,” he warns. His chest rises and falls, as if he’s struggling for control.
We glare at each other. His face is full of fury, and my heart is splintered into a million pieces. “Why are you being like this?” I whisper.
He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m just fucking stressed out, okay?”
“About what?”
“You have to ask?” he cries, as if outraged.
I stare at him, my mind a clusterfuck of confusion. What the hell is going on here?
What’s happening between us?
This is pointless. I’m not going to get anywhere with him tonight. I don’t want to fight anymore, and I don’t know what to say to make this better.
What is there to say?
“I’m going to bed.” I sigh. I walk up the hall and into the bedroom, and I shut the door behind me.
It’s 2:00 a. m, and I lie in the darkness and listen to Nathan’s regulated breathing.
He kissed me on the cheek to say goodnight before he went to sleep.
It was a token kiss.
It was cold and emotionless. He’s completely shut down on me.
I don’t know what to say or do to make it better.
I want to beg him to talk to me, but then the friend in me steps in, and I want to give him the freedom and space to make a decision for himself.
I roll onto my side and stare into the darkness. Where is my period?
Why isn’t it here?
Five days late. I know that sometimes early tests give a false negative result.
Nathan knows it, too.
I know what’s wrong with Nathan…
He feels trapped.