(Renata Pellegrini)
I watch the arrows of light through the tinted window, a thick silence hovers inside the car, my mind wanders to the memory of the first time I was inside the same vehicle as Filippo, the car is not the same as that time, but just like the other one, this one smells new. I swallow dryly, remembering the butterflies in my stomach and the nervousness of being so close to a man like him. But now, it is like the first time, and I am hating myself for it!
For three long days I ignored him and ran away from him, I didn’t answer his calls or return his messages, I even blocked him, I changed the locks on the gate and the door so that he could no longer enter, and now I am here, inside his car.
I feel his gaze on me, several times, but I don’t have the courage to face him back, I am afraid of what my eyes will say to him, I am afraid of being betrayed and him finding out that I still miss him.
Seeing him open that door and the tears shining in his eyes as he heard the sound of the baby’s little heart, shook me up inside. I thought I could be immune to it, but feeling the warmth of his hands around mine and the sincerity in thanking me that the baby is okay, touched me deeply and it is making me reflect.
“We have arrived.” Filippo says, parking the car in front of my house.
I get out of the car and he does the same, I take the key from my purse and open the gate, I let him in. I don’t need to unlock the door because Amanda is there, and I don’t know if Caio has left yet. I get in and give way to Filippo who enters.
I sit on the three-seater sofa and Filippo sits on the same sofa, me at one end and him at the other.
“What do you want to talk to me about?” I ask, not being able to stand the silence any longer.
“I want to come clean with you, I want to tell you the whole truth about myself.”
He speaks looking me in the eye, the huge black bags under his eyes denote that there are days he doesn’t sleep, his disheveled hair indicates that there are also days when he doesn’t see his comb, his crumpled clothes, Filippo is just a wreck, in three days, the well-groomed man I knew seems to have died.
Filippo understands my silence as a consent to continue talking.
“My name is Filippo Valentini, the youngest of the Valentini family. I am part of the most dangerous family in Italy…”
“Of that, I already know,” I interrupted him.
Filippo faces me, his countenance is that of someone exhausted, but not only physically, mentally as well.
“When I was little, my father wanted to make me become a strong man, and he engraved on my body the memories of every time I was weak… All the scars that you saw on my body were gifts from my father. Thanks to him, I had trouble sleeping, I rarely managed to sleep, and even the medicines didn’t work anymore, even after fifteen years of death, he continued to haunt me, the punishments, the beatings, seeing my brothers being beaten until they fainted in my place trying to defend me, all of this terrified me.” Filippo takes a deep breath and bites his lip. “When you came to live with me, I found it strange to have someone else in the bed besides me so I couldn’t sleep, for many nights I would run out of bed and go to the basement, I didn’t want to scare you with my screams when I had a nightmare, or hurt you by hugging me while I slept thoughting I was being attacked.”
Filippo stops talking and keeps poking his fingernails, a gesture of how nervous he is, I remain silent, not knowing what to say, after a few seconds he continues:
“When my father died, Matteo took his place and then made a deal with me, I could leave Italy and go to college, but in exchange, I would work for the FBI, and thus facilitate the entry of drugs, weapons, and other illegal goods into the country. During my studies, I started to set up my company, and when I was admitted to the FBI agency, my company was already making headlines, and thanks to this, I was able to work there having my identity hidden. Only Camilly and the Director General knew my identity…”
“The same Camilly who went looking for you and soon after her disappearance turned up dead?” I interrupt him questioningly.
“Yes, she did. Matteo had always made it clear that one day I would have to go back to Italy and assume my role, and that on that day, I couldn’t let anyone from the FBI who knew me live, because as I hadn’t yet been introduced as one of the members in the mafia, when they found out they would investigate my company and it wouldn’t be good, besides the scandal of having an Italian mobster working for Americans.”
“So you killed her,” I say. I know I didn’t like her, but knowing that she died only because she met Filippo, makes me feel sorry for her.
“Yes, since no one else knew my identity, I didn’t need to kill anyone else, I passed the presidency to Lucas and disappeared.”
“I get it,” I say.
“I didn’t want you to meet my famiglia, because of the agreement, I couldn’t get sentimentally involved with any woman, because despite the short freedom, at any moment I would be obliged to go back and marry a woman who would bring benefits to the famiglia. That’s why I took advantage of you when you said you didn’t want to make our courtship public. I know that I manipulated you, I won’t say that I didn’t, you were just an innocent little girl who dreamed of a Prince Charming. I used you.”
Hearing him admit it makes the tears burn in my eyes, but I blink them away, no more crying over what is past.
“I thought I would get sick of you, I thought you would be just one more, but things didn’t happen as I planned, gradually you penetrated my heart, breaking down my barriers and the next thing I knew I had already given myself to you, I showed you my most vulnerable side, I tried to live as intensely as I could by your side, even though I knew it wouldn’t be forever…” Filippo moves closer to me without taking his eyes off mine, I swallow dryly, now we are only a few centimeters apart. “You were the first and only woman I ever loved, you are the only owner of my body and heart, my thoughts are yours, my desire is yours.”
Filippo raises his hand and holds the side of my face, his thumb goes around my mouth and it feels dry, to moisten it I pass the tip of my tongue and Filippo’s eyes follow every movement.
“Your mouth is the only one I want to kiss, your moans are the only ones I want to hear, your body is the only one I want to touch, in this world, the only person I want is you ragazza.” Filippo says, bringing his face close to mine, so close that I can feel the heat of his breath. “You are the owner of my love.”
I open my mouth in an attempt to say something, but just close my eyes as I feel Filippo’s soft, warm lips on mine, his tongue invading my mouth and begin to caress mine. His hand goes to the back of my neck and his fingers tangle in the hair at the back of my neck pulling it lightly. I raise my hands and rest them on his shoulder, tears burn in my eyes and as we kiss in the sweetest way, I let them fall, the more tears fall, the tighter my hands tighten on Filippo’s shoulders.
“Io ti amo!” – ‘I love you,’ Filippo whispers against my lips and gives me another kiss, I feel my heart soar. He pulls away, but I don’t open my eyes, I feel his warm hand wiping my tears away. Slowly I open my eyes and as I stare into his again, I feel caught in the vastness, intensity and depth. The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in the world. “I want to hold your hand and never let go, I want to be your best friend, your safe haven, your lover, your husband, I want to be your favorite person in the world and I want to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
I feel a huge lump in my throat, I bite my lip still tasting him in my mouth.
“Can I really trust you?” I inquire.
“I give my life for you, there will never again be a secret between us, I will never again lie to you. Can you accept this broken man, but who promises to do everything to make you happy?”
“Yes.” I say crying, but not a cry of sadness. “I finally have my Prince Charming. – I say and throw myself into his arms.”
For so long I missed that hug, that smell, that warmth, gosh, how I missed that man.
“Promise that you will never leave me again.” I whisper in his ear.
“I promise,” he says and hugs me tighter.
After a few minutes, we part and Filippo stares at my belly, he gets up from the couch and makes me get up too. I watch him kneel in front of me and suspend my belly.
“Sorry for your father’s hardheadedness, sorry for you going through all that danger, mio figlio, but I am here now, and I will protect you,” Filippo speaks to my belly and again tears burn in my eyes, Filippo hugs my belly and fills it with kisses. I smooth his hair feeling the knots in the thread. “I will make your mamma the happiest mamma in the world!”
Filippo gets up and again hugs me tight.
“I love you!” I say and kiss him intensely once more.