(Filippo Valentini)
I see the furniture overturned, my collection of weapons scattered on the floor, glass panes smashed. Even though I have vented some of the anger, it still burns within me. I lean against the wall and sit on the floor.
The images of the pain in her eyes as she told me how much I knew nothing, of the tears that fell from her eyes as she spoke in a choked voice, I hurt her too much. Remembering this makes my heart ache, I am gasping for breath, I feel like I am missing the most important things and I feel helpless, it is driving me crazy!
From the beginning, I knew it would hurt her, but I had no idea how much. I stepped on her dream of being a mother, well I wanted her to be the mother of my children too, but I didn’t want to deceive her, at least in that, I tried to be transparent… but… I should have kept my mouth shut, I regret so much the things I said to her. Renata didn’t deserve what I did.
I don’t hold back anymore, I let the tears come down. At that moment I don’t care anymore if crying is a man thing or not, I don’t care. If I’m being weak, fuck it. Before I even realize it, my mind takes me back to when I was a kid, every time I cried it was a reason to get a beating. If I demonstrated liking something, my dad would take it and destroy it in front of me. “You have to be strong” – that’s what my father always told me, but at night, inside my room, when no one could see me, I would try to cry, but I would hold back the tears as I wondered: if they saw me like this, what would they think?
If I wanted to be respected, I needed to leave it guarded, to keep it all inside me. So I always hid it… I created a barrier around myself, but by spending so much time with Renata, I didn’t understand what I was feeling, but since I had learned to hide my feelings, I refused to admit it.
And today, for the first time, I am asking myself what is it really like to be strong?
To be strong is to never cry? To be strong is to never show weakness to others? To be strong is to always have everyone under control? What the hell is being strong?
Was I strong to use her for my own pleasure? Was I strong to hurt her psychologically to make it right? Was I strong to leave her behind after promising to protect her from everything? Was I strong to lie that I would be her family and then disappear from her life?
I feel like the most foolish man in the world for doing what I did with Renata.
My cell phone vibrates in my pants pocket, I pick it up and Vicenzo’s name flashes on the screen, I answer it.
“Have you talked to her yet?” Vicenzo asks.
“Yes,” I answered. “But she kicked me out of the house.”
“Are you crying?”
“No!” I answer quickly and wipe away my tears.
Since I have built my protective barrier, the only person who has seen me vulnerable is Renata, and I intend to keep it that way, only she will have access to my weak side.
“Are you giving up already?”
“No! But… I hurt her too much, she hates me right now. I don’t know what to do to get closer to her.”
“You were once better than that, fratello. Of the three, the smartest has always been you. Do the cliché things, women like them.”
“Renata is not like other women.” I say. Because if she was like other women, I would never have gotten involved with her in the first place.
“Since you know her so well, it is not difficult to approach her. I have to go.” Vicenzo hangs up the phone.
I leave the cell phone on the floor and run my hands through my hair, what can I do to win her back? Think Filippo, think!
> Next day:
“Who is it?” I hear Renata’s voice on the other end and my heart flutters. Shit, I’m feeling like I’m still a teenager with hormones running wild.
Renata opens the door, but seeing me, closes it again.
“Renata, please.” I ask and knock on the door. “Please, let’s talk.” I beg. “Please, please, please.”
“Go away!” She shouts from inside.
She must still be hot-headed, so I leave the bouquet of white roses on the floor in front of her door, with the box of chocolate. I’ll be back tomorrow.
> Next day:
“Ragazza!” I run to her, but she is faster and closes the gate in my face. “Open up, let’s talk, please!” I insist and knock on the gate.
I keep knocking on the gate for several minutes, but she says nothing. I take the gate key to unlock it manually, but the lock has been changed.
“Cazzo!” I shout and punch the gate.
With nothing else to do, I go home. I’ll try again tomorrow.
> Next day:
I raise my hand to knock on the gate, but stop when I hear the male voice behind me.
“She’s not home,” I turn to face Caio who walks past me and takes a key from his pocket and opens the gate.
“Why does he have a key to her house?” – I mentally question feeling the anger of jealousy wanting to consume me.
“Where is she?” I ask before he closes the gate.
He stares at me for long seconds, as if wondering whether to tell or not.
“I won’t hurt her, I just want to talk,” I say.
Yesterday I researched Caio’s life, and I know that he is now dating his boss’s daughter, yet he was in love with Renata and I don’t trust him.
“Why should I tell her? Renata wants him away from her.”
“I know she is angry with me, but I love her and I will not give up on her or my son in her womb.”
“Then why did you abandon her? Why did you make her suffer? How dare you say…”
“It was to protect her!” I interrupted him, I know I don’t owe her any satisfaction, but I couldn’t keep quiet. “I had my reasons for doing what I did, and I won’t tell them to you. But I just wanted to keep her safe.”
“I don’t believe what you say.”
“I don’t need you to believe me, but I will do everything to have my family with me, and now that everything is cleared up, I won’t hold back anymore,” I say firmly. “I won’t let anyone else hurt her, I will be by her side until the last day of my life.”
Caio takes a deep breath and continues just staring at me.
“Just because she went to rescue her, just for that. Renata is in the maternity ward, today she will listen to the baby’s heart.”
“Where is this maternity hospital?” I ask hurriedly.
Caio passes me the address and I practically fly there with the car. I enter the maternity ward and go to the reception desk.
“Patient Renata Pellegrini,” I said to the girl at the reception.
“She is in consultation now.”
“Which room?” I ask.
“You can’t come in!”
“I am the baby’s father!” I say and start walking to the corridor, opening door by door.
“Stop! You are not allowed to be here,” The receptionist comes after me.
I don’t listen to her and I keep opening the doors, I need to find her, I want to be present in every moment, I also want to listen to my son’s heart. I feel a desperate anxiety going through my whole body, I get breathless at each door I open and don’t find her, and a strange feeling when I see that so far I haven’t found her.
This is the last door in the hallway, I feel my heart racing in my chest. The receptionist’s voice gets lower and lower, I hold the handle and slowly open the door, the first thing I hear is the sound of a heart beating, my eyes fall to Renata lying on a stretcher with her top up, her whole belly showing. Both Renata and the doctor look in my direction, Renata looks into my eyes, hers are full of tears and I feel mine burning as well.
I start to walk into the room, but the receptionist grabs my blouse.
“I will call the police, sir, please leave!”
I don’t care what she says, nor do I care about her failed attempts to get me out of the room. I fix my eyes on Renata’s and when she is finally close to her, I let a tear escape.
“Is it his little heart?” I ask, still feeling perplexed.
Renata shakes her head positively, I take a deep breath, it’s my son’s heart, our son, our baby. I feel a euphoria fill my chest, and before I even realize it, more tears fall from my eyes, I never thought I would feel this way.
“He’s all right, isn’t he?” I ask.
Renata was kidnapped and went through a lot.
“Yes.” She answers in a low voice and also starts to cry.
“Miss Renata, is this man really the baby’s father?” The receptionist questions, Renata says yes, and she leaves the room.
I go to the other side of the bed and hold Renata’s hand, to my joy she doesn’t pull away from me.
“Thank you.” I say and kiss her hand.
Renata says nothing. After a while, the doctor turns off the equipment and looks at me.
“Nice of you to show up, Dad,”she says, staring at me. “The baby is well, strong and healthy.”
The doctor says and I smile, it’s only now that my mind has come to my senses, I could have lost my son! James threatened to shoot my son inside my womb! That bastard!
“Very well, Rê, you are now released, don’t forget to come next month, you are already 8 weeks pregnant, keep up a healthy diet, okay?”
“Yes, thank you.”
After the doctor cleans Renata’s belly, she lowers her blouse and gets up and leaves the room. I follow her.
“Daddy, take good care of this warrior mommy.” The doctor tells me, I nod positively.
As we leave the maternity ward, Renata stops walking and faces me.
“How did you know I was here?” she inquires.
“Can we talk, please, I beg you, please listen to me.” I beg you.