Hope
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It’d be fine, Hope.
Though I knew that wasn’t the case. It has been over a week since I had resumed training with the Commander and horrible wasn’t the right word to cover how I felt during and after the long mornings and sometimes late evenings.
Yes, I’ve been on a very tight schedule. Early mornings were for exercises, to strengthen my muscles, while late afternoon and evenings were for actual training. Like dummy sparring and weapon play. I had no skill whatsoever in any of the aforementioned sections. I always felt like dying while running around the field or undergoing torturous exercises.
I felt like crawling into a small space and hiding when it came to handling the rods. No one ever told me that a common long stick would be so heavy and hard to wield.
I felt like crying when the soldiers around would brazenly sneer at me while the commander pushed me around like a little lost sheep. It was all so infuriating. Most times, I felt like clawing at her face and such a feeling was so unlike me.
I have never been the type to think violently towards a person but since I started staying in Moratia, all I thought about was hurting Darius, the commander, and every other privileged, powerful Lycan who looked at me like a speck of dust on their polished shoes.
Overly descriptive, I knew that. But it was the exact case.
And currently, I was on my way to have dinner with those same people whom I despised sharing air with. All my limbs and muscles ached as I trudged down the hallway with Kyle by my side. After what happened that night I went to visit Amara, our relationship changed.
Not very much, but his attitude towards some things were more welcoming than I thought they would be. His words about escorting me whenever I went to Amara wasn’t a lie or a trick. He didn’t tell on me. Like someone else I know.
He also didn’t judge me. He didn’t ask any questions about why I was secretly visiting the library, though I knew that he knew the reason. It was like we were drawn into a silent understanding and I liked it. I bet it had something to do with my “pleading with Darius not to behead him.” At least that was what I thought.
Once he and I arrived at the dining room, the company was as expected. Darius at the head, Annalise and Orion by his left and right hand side. With the Commander by her husband’s side. It was only the three of them who shared meals with Darius. I bet that had to do with them being his closest “confidantes”.
I greeted the four respectfully with a bowed head and took the seat right across Darius at the other end of the sixteen-seater dining table. Kyle stood by my right hand side. I wondered what time he ate because I had never seen him doing it in front of me. Did he even eat?
That question flew out from my head the second Annalise opened her mouth to speak.
“Looking ravishing as always,” she complimented me with a smile.
I mirrored her expression with a faker version of mine. “As do you.”
I’m on your side…
I still remembered the words she said to me the day after my lockdown began. I didn’t really pay meaning to it at the time but right now, I was thinking deeply about it. What did her being on my side mean to me or to her?
She giggled coyly at my compliment, then flipped her hair and inched closer to Darius who was focused on his meal more than anything. I tried to do the same but of course, Annalise had something to say to fill in the silence. As always.
“I heard that someone broke into your room to hurt you. The shock you must’ve felt. I can’t imagine!” Annalise said in a dramatic tone, clutching tight to Darius’ left arm like her life depended on it.
“Mhmm,” I hummed in response as I stuck a slice of beef in my mouth and chewed on it. The food tasted like nothing in my mouth. Maybe it was because of the slight anger I felt at the sight of Annalise acting so coy and pretentious or I just hated being in such a situation.
“You were so lucky that Darius came at the time he did. If he didn’t,” she gasped dramatically, pausing for a moment. “I can’t even imagine what would’ve happened to you. You wouldn’t even be alive right now. You have so much to be thankful for to Darius,” she went on, and like clockwork, she widened her eyes.
“That reminds me, that incident made him ask you to begin training with the army, didn’t it? Another thing to be thankful for. You’re so lucky to be married to such a kind man like Darius.” Annalise shook her head slowly as she spoke.
The fork in my hand felt heavy. So did the knife on the other one.
“Has she thanked you for all the good things you’ve done for her?” Annalise turned to Darius and looked at him innocently.
He didn’t give her a reply. He just ground his teeth with narrowed eyes. That was enough for Annalise because she gasped loudly and turned her attention back to me.
“My goodness! You don’t say. Hope, you still haven’t thanked Darius? After all he’s done? He saved your life! It’s bad manners not to appreciate something good that a person has done for you.” Annalise scolded me like I was a little child.
I gritted my teeth. After all the horrible things that he’s done to me, she expected me to thank him, and in the presence of everyone else. Though Orion and the commander didn’t look that much interested in what Annalise was saying, rather they looked slightly irritated, but that didn’t change the fact that doing what she asked right now would be so unbecoming of me.
I didn’t think that Annalise understood that fact since she held her ground. “And you should also add an apology there. It’s been what? Three or two weeks now and you didn’t say a word of appreciation to your savior of a husband. If I were him, I wouldn’t be taking things so lightly. So thank and apologize to Darius right now, Hope.” Annalise spoke in a lighthearted tone, like what she was asking me to do was so easy.
I ground my teeth. Debating on whether I should do it or not. Darius still looked unfazed about what was happening around him. He ate calmly, so did the commander and Orion. I couldn’t glance up to stare at Kyle’s face but I knew that he would have a disappointed one.
The one that was always on his face when I fell on the ground during training or said something stupid, or did something weak. The one that would show that he thought I was nothing but a weak human.
Even if he had that expression on, it would be none of my business. It wasn’t like his thoughts were wrong. I am nothing but a weak human. Nothing compared to the people around me. Nothing.
I took a deep breath and put down my cutlery. “Of course, you’re right. It was childish of me.” I spoke to Annalise in a practiced tone, and I saw as one side of her face twitched a little, like her expression was about to break. But it didn’t. She held onto it tightly as she watched me stand up from my chair and walk up to where she and Darius were.
I had no shred of pride left when I bowed my head a little. “I am-”
“Shut up!” Darius cut me off and I flinched a little, backing away from him. He rose up from his chair and latched his hand onto mine immediately.
“What are you…” I trailed off as he tugged on my arm and pulled me away from the dining room only to stop a bit into an empty hallway to back me up against the wall.
I looked into his eyes and I saw pure rage.