Hazel
I lower myself slowly onto the couch, too stunned to know what to do. From downstairs, I can hear my parents’ voices, which means they’re being loud-the house is so soundproof.
Melanie’s here. She’s back. And I have no idea what that even means.
Are we supposed to go back to the way things were before?
The doorbell rings again, and it takes me a minute to even remember that we’ve ordered a pizza. It feels like hours have passed since Melanie arrived at the door. It feels like years since Xavier picked me up from school, his eyes dark with lust, asking to see my panties.
This past month with Xavier has been the best month of my life. For the first time ever, I truly had Xavier all to myself. In the past, Melanie was always on the horizon. Even if she was off on one of her ‘sprees,’ cheating on Xavier with some dirtbag, he was still distracted and distant, his thoughts and energy still pulled in her direction. But this time, creating a naughty, secret world of pleasure together, it’s different. He’s been mine. All mine.
And now she’s back.
I pay the pizza delivery guy and leave the box on the counter, unopened. I can’t bear to keep listening to the muted agony of my parents’ arguing voices, so I go upstairs to my room and sit on the bed.
I’m in shock. It feels as though Melanie has risen from the grave. And just like a real ghost, she hasn’t even spoken to me.
It doesn’t surprise me, not really. Even though there’s this thread I can’t seem to loosen that ties me to her, that says because she’s my mother she should care for me, even though it’s hardly a secret that she doesn’t. I don’t know if she ever did. Melanie cares for herself first, and then for any man who’s willing to give her attention second. I was always an afterthought. Whoever my father is, whatever the circumstances of my birth, I’m quite certain I was an accident. An unwanted consequence for Melanie.
I lie back on the bed and pick up my phone, hoping to distract myself.
What are you up to? I text Christine, but her response deflates me.
I’m with Eric! she replies. Omg I’m so fucking hiiiiigh
Sighing, I drop the phone onto the bed without answering. She’s busy, and more than that, her response is a reminder that we’re just different. Getting high with Eric Kowalski is at the bottom of my list of things that might be fun, but she’s in her glory.
By the time Xavier knocks on the door, I’m staring at the ceiling blankly, hugging Bunners to my chest and fingering the diamond around my neck. I’ve gone beyond boredom and despair to a kind of mindlessness. I’m barely even thinking anymore when his knock jolts me into alert readiness.
“Come in.”
He looks sad and resigned as he walks in, closing the tall door behind him. When he sits on the bed, I can detect his warm, clean smell, and his proximity sends little currents of electricity through me. I stare at his large, tanned hand, fingers splayed over his knee, and focus on the hair at the side of his wrist.
He takes a slow breath before speaking. “You okay, sweetie?”
“Sure,” I say nonchalantly, shrugging. “What does Melanie want?”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “She’s going to stay here tonight.”
I blow out an aggravated breath. It’s what I was expecting, but I’m disappointed that Xavier didn’t stand up to her. Didn’t stop this.
“And every other night from now on?” I ask sarcastically. “Until she meets her next fuckboy?”
“Hazel,” he warns. “Watch your mouth.”
“You know it’s true, Dad.”
“One night, kiddo. She has nowhere else to go, and she is still your mother.”
“She hasn’t even said a single word to me.”
He flashes dark eyes at me. “She loves you.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not ten anymore. You don’t have to lie to me.”
I hate seeing Xavier try to stand up for her or protect her. He could have any woman he wanted in the world, but for some reason, he fell for my mom over and over. No matter how horrible she was to him, how far she pushed it, he always forgave her and took her back. There’s no reason it wouldn’t happen again. Of course it’s going to happen again. Melanie will weasel her way back into his life and everything will go back to normal.
Except that this time, Xavier and I will never find our way back to the way we were. How can we go back to playing father and daughter after what we’ve done?
He quirks his mouth into a mou of sympathy and reaches a hand out for me as if he’s at a loss for words. Sitting up and bending over my stuffed rabbit, I lean into the warm, hard comfort of him.
“She wants to be better,” he says quietly, his words making his chest vibrate against my cheek, and despair burns through me.
Not this again. Not like this.
All I ever wanted was Xavier’s love-all of it. And just when I almost had it, it’s about to slip away.