Allison
I lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. My eyes fixed on the fan, its blades spinning lazily. I felt numb, empty, and disconnected from the world. “You will look really nice with a rope tied on you,” I muttered to the fan, my voice barely above a whisper.
My mind was unraveling, consumed by the darkness that had haunted me for so long. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality, slipping into the abyss of depression and despair.
The door opened, but I didn’t flinch. I didn’t care. I was too far gone, lost in my own private hell.
“Allison?” a voice whispered, piercing the fog that surrounded me.
It was Jayden’s voice, but I didn’t respond. I didn’t even bother to look at him. My tears continued to flow, gliding down the pillow and to the bed.
“Allison, please look at me,” Jayden’s voice came again, softer and more urgent.
I felt a presence beside me, and my eyes darted to the side. Jayden stood there, his eyes filled with concern and regret.
“Allison, I’m really sorry,” he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally found my voice.
“So what do you expect me to do?” I asked, my voice cold and detached. “Do you expect me to accept your apology?”
“No, don’t accept,” Jayden said, his voice cracking. “I don’t deserve for you to accept my apology. I think I’m going to leave you now, Allison. I’m going to leave you to hate me as much as you want.”
I felt a surge of anger and hurt, but I didn’t respond. Jayden continued, his words pouring out like a confession.
“Hate me, please. Don’t forgive me for a single moment. But remember, your life is precious. Don’t exhaust yourself, and don’t entertain negative thoughts, like harming yourself. I hope the depression you’re experiencing now, caused by me and your family, will soon come to an end.”
I sat up, my eyes locked on Jayden’s. “Where are you going to?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I’m thinking of going back to Spain,” he said, his voice laced with a mix of sadness and longing. “It wouldn’t be bad to go back to Spain, don’t you think, Allison?”
I looked down at my feet, my silence a heavy response.
Jayden continued, his words pouring out like a confession. “I thought about going back to my rental place, but I don’t think I can stay in the same country as you… not after everything I’ve put you through. I don’t deserve that kindness. It all started as a twisted game, but now… I I’m such a fool, Allison.”
He paused, his eyes searching mine. “It wouldn’t be bad if you gave me a hug to say goodbye, right?”
Another silence fell between us, and Jayden’s face fell. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I was just kidding.”
He turned to leave, his footsteps echoing towards the door. But before he could open it, I spoke up, my voice loud and clear. “I can use you, right?”
Jayden stopped immediately, his back still turned to me. Then, slowly, he turned around, his eyes locking onto mine.
“Yes, you can,” he whispered, his voice barely audible, as he nodded his head with an intensity that seemed almost desperate. “You can use me as much as you want. Take everything from me, Allison, until there’s nothing left. I’m yours, completely yours, to do with as you fucking wish. Use me as you wish. I am yours to be used.”
“And who are you to tell me what to do?” I yelled, more tears streaming down my face. “Who are you to tell me how to use you? You think I can’t do it too, huh?”
Jayden cast his gaze downward, shaking his head. “Right, I’m nothing. I’m nobody to you now, so I shouldn’t dare speak. But please, don’t cry because of me. Don’t waste your tears on me. I don’t deserve them.”
Then, I jumped down, my legs trembling beneath me. As I walked towards Jayden, my heart felt like it was shrinking, leaving a hollow ache in my chest. I held the sides of his face, my fingers digging into his skin, and whispered, “Then you will be used by me this time around. You will be a good boy for me, won’t you?”
Jayden’s eyes fluttered closed, and he whispered against my breath, “Yes, yes.” His voice was barely audible, but I felt his surrender.
His eyes opened, then locked onto mine, and for a moment, I felt like I was drowning in their depths. He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.
“Do you know I’m going actually going to use you, Jayden?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. The words felt like acid on my tongue.
Jayden shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine. I felt a pang of guilt, but I pushed it aside.
“I guess I’m not worth to be used by you after all,” he whispered, forcing a sad smile.
“I want you to live your life without seeing me again,” I snapped, my voice cracking. “I want you out of my life, away from me and my family. If I see you again, I promise you, Jayden, I’ll make sure you regret it.”
As I spoke, I felt a coldness spreading through my veins. It was as if I was numbing myself, shielding myself from the pain that was to come.
Jayden nodded, the faint smile still on his lips. It was a real sad smile, one that made my heart ache.
“Alright, then,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
He held out his hand for a handshake, a final goodbye. I looked at his hand, feeling a surge of emotions. I wanted to take it, to hold onto it, to never let go. But I didn’t. Instead, I turned away, ignoring him.
I walked back to the bed, sat down, and stared out the window. The sky was gray and bleak, matching my mood perfectly. I didn’t need to look at Jayden to know he was leaving; the sound of the door opening was enough. The door closed softly behind him, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I didn’t wipe it away. Instead, I let it fall, a symbol of the shattered remains of my heart.