198

I barely slept more than two hours. I knew my first night in Chicago would not be easy, but I did not expect it to be so horrible.
I had dark circles under my eyes and didn’t bother to cover them up. Maybe Benito would decide not to marry me if I looked like a corpse. I put on jeans and a T-shirt before heading down the stairs. Fabi and Father were already sitting at the table, eating breakfast. I wondered if they had done the same when I had left. “Since when do you wake up so early on Saturdays?” asked Fabi as I took the chair across from him.
“Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you have to laze around,” Father replied instead of Fabi.
Fabi stabbed the fruit with his fork, as if wishing it were Father.
“Is it about to start?”
Father put down the coffee. “You know very well it’s none of your business.”
I clenched my fists under the table. My throat tightened at my next words. “When will Benito Brasci and his daughter arrive?””Around six o’clock. I already told you we would have dinner with them.” Her eyes squinted. “I hope you don’t intend to wear it tonight. Take one of your cocktail dresses and let your hair down. That’s how Benito prefers it.” I blinked a few times, too stunned to be able to say anything. Fabi dropped his fork with a clangour. “And you should eat. I don’t want you to pass out again. Tonight is important,” the father continued without flinching. I reached for a Danish and popped a few pieces into my mouth, but I wasn’t sure I could keep them down. “Stop teasing the food, Liliana, for God’s sake.” “Leave her alone!” shouted Fabi. Both father and I froze. “What did you just say?” asked the father in a dangerous voice. Fabi returned his gaze, but then lowered his eyes. “Why can’t you leave her alone? I don’t like the way you treat her.” “I don’t want you to criticize me, Fabiano. You would learn to keep your mouth shut or you will be in trouble when you are part of the Outfit. Understand?” Fabi nodded, but his lips were a thin white line.
I forced myself to swallow the rest of my Danish, even though it had no taste. Dad took the paper and disappeared behind it.
Fabi and I did not try to speak. Besides, what was left to say?
Liliana I chose the dress I had worn to last year’s Christmas party . It was more modest than my other dresses, with a high collar and a hemline that reached my knees. It was more fitted than I would have liked for that evening. As Dad had said, I let my hair fall down to my shoulders, even though the idea of being attractive to Benito terrified me no end. I decided to wear ballet flats, since Dad had said nothing about high heels. “Liliana, why are you taking so long? Our guests will be here any minute. Get down here!” I took a deep breath and walked out of my room. Everything was going to be all right. If I had made it through that day, Romero would have found a way to get me out of this marriage. Everything was going to be all right. I repeated the words over and over again as I walked down the stairs, but my throat tightened anyway. Fabi was wearing a dark blue suit and tie, but his expression was that of a sullen teenager. My father also wore a business suit, but he did so most of the time. He scrutinized my suit with a critical look.
“You should have chosen a different suit, but it will have to go now. We don’t have time for you to change again.” I stopped on the stairs.
Anger surged through me again, stronger than before. The doorbell rang, preventing me from saying something that would probably have earned me a slap in the face. My father gave Fabi and me a warning look before going to the door and opening it.
My fingers on the handrail tightened painfully. “Benito, it’s good to see you. Come in, come in. Dinner is ready for us. “I let our cook prepare a wonderful roast,” my father said in an overly friendly tone he used only with important people, certainly not with his family. I had to restrain myself from running up the stairs and hiding in my room. I was no longer a child. I was going to handle this situation gracefully, and then I was going to do my best to stop this marriage. There had to be a way. But what if there wasn’t? I went down the last few steps and stopped beside Fabi. My father opened the door to let Brasci and his daughter in. I held my breath. And when my future husband entered the hall, I was overcome with disgust. He was tall and thin, with graying brown hair combed back like my father’s, but where my father’s was thick, Benito’s had thinned and his scalp was visible. His skin was tanned from too many hours spent on the tanning bed and looked almost like leather. He looked old. His dark eyes settled on me and a smile twisted his lips. Benito’s gaze looked like slugs crawling over my skin, the way they moved over every inch of my body already branding me as his.
I wanted to wipe it away as if it were slime. My eyes slid to the girl next to him, barely older than me and with an expression of desperate resignation on her face. She was no better off than I was. She was going to marry my father. Our gazes met.
Was there accusation in his? Maybe she thought I was the reason for my father’s arrangement with hers. I couldn’t even blame her. Everything about this seemed so unfair. Father beckoned me to approach them. Even though every fiber of my being was against it, I sneaked closer . Fabi was a couple of steps behind me. When I reached Father’s side, he put his hand on my lower back and said with a proud smile, “This is my daughter Liliana.” Benito bowed his head but his eyes did not cease to stare at me.
He was not doing anything blatantly inappropriate, but for some reason his gaze seemed to invade my personal space.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said, then walked over to me and kissed my cheeks. I froze, but didn’t push him away. My father would probably kill me if I did. “And Fabiano,” Benito said, facing my brother, who looked like he had tasted something bitter.
Benito signaled his daughter to come closer. “This is Maria.” My father also greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, and I almost threw up.
Maria threw me a look again. She looked so … resigned. But when she looked back at my father, she turned a smile on him. It looked fake to me, but my father seemed satisfied with her reaction. I could almost see his chest swell with pride. My father nodded toward the dining room. “Let’s go to dinner. It will give us a chance to talk.” My father held out his hand for Maria to take, and she did so without hesitation. I knew what was going to happen. But instead of taking my hand, Benito put his palm on my lower back. I almost drew back from him, but I forced myself to remain still. I could not smile, however. We walked into the dining room, and when I finally let myself fall into the chair, I almost cried from relief that I was free of Benito’s touch. He, however, sat down next to me. Father and Benito soon plunged into conversation, which left Mary and me sitting in awkward silence. There was no way I could ask her anything important with our fathers sitting right next to us. I took refuge in my mind, but every now and then my eyes drifted to the man next to me who reeked of cigar smoke. All I could think about was that I wanted to go back to New York with Romero. “Why don’t you girls go sit on the couch so we can discuss business?” asked Father, tearing me from my thoughts. I got up from the chair and led Maria toward the living room area. We sat next to each other and another awkward silence began. I cleared my throat. “It is strange, isn’t it, that we are sitting here with our fathers who are planning our weddings?” Maria looked at me cautiously. “They want the best for us.” I almost snorted. She sounded like a parrot. Had her father put those words in her mouth? “Do you really believe that ? You are marrying a man who could be your father. In what way is that the best thing for you ?” Again her gaze rested on our fathers. She had behaved very well, that was for sure. What worried me was how she had become so careful. Was her father so strict? Violent perhaps? “I will be the wife of the councilor. That’s a good thing.” I gave up.
Obviously she would not speak honestly with me, or she had been plagiarized so well that she really meant what she said. “Yes, it’s definitely a great accomplishment.” I didn’t want to blurt it out to her, but my nerves were too frayed to be thoughtful. But she didn’t catch my sarcasm. She was too busy casting glances at our fathers. Dad got up from his chair. “Why don’t you take a moment to talk to Benito, Liliana? And I will talk to Maria.” That was the last thing I wanted. Benito came striding up and panic began to take over. Where were we going to go? I didn’t want to be alone with him. Romero’s words flashed through my mind. I was a respectable Italian girl, at least as far as they knew. Dad and Maria sat together at the dining table, and Benito sat next to me on the sofa. At least I would not be alone with him. He even left a space between us, but it was still too close for my liking. I could smell the cigars on his clothes and on his breath, and his knee was only three inches from my knee. I could feel my vision narrowing. God, I wasn’t having a panic attack because he was sitting next to me, right? What would happen when he actually married me? Then he would do more than just sit next to me. I stared straight ahead, not knowing what to do or say. I could feel that he was watching me. “You are a very attractive girl,” he said. He took my hand and brought it to his lips.
I couldn’t even react; I was too shocked. When his lips brushed against my skin, I wanted to sink into myself. Many men had kissed my hand at parties, but for some reason, this one was worse. “Thank you,” I said in a choked voice. “Has your father told you the date of our wedding yet ?” Was there a date? I had only found out yesterday. How could there already be a date? I shook my head in silence. “Four weeks from now. October 20 . Your father didn’t want to wait, and I agree. He will marry Maria the week before our wedding.” I stared at him, then at my father who was staring at Maria like she was a candy he wanted to devour.
I was about to throw up. Any minute now, my dinner was going to come back up. “Liliana, are you listening?” There was a hint of impatience in Benito’s tone, and something less kind shone in his eyes. I shuddered. “I’m sorry. I was just surprised.” Surprised? Surprised? God, surprise was not even remotely the right word to describe my feelings. If there was already a date, how could Romero have convinced my father to choose him as my husband ? He couldn’t. I was not naive. My father would never have agreed.
He wanted Maria and to get her, he needed to sell me in turn to Benito. Benito smiled, but somehow that made it seem even scarier. Maybe it was my imagination. “It’s short notice, of course , but people won’t want to miss our weddings, so I’m sure we’ll throw a big party.” I nodded. I grabbed my wrist, feeling my pulse and being surprised to find it. I felt so numb, I might as well have been dead. Benito talked about the guests we had to invite and the food we had to serve, but I couldn’t concentrate. I had to talk to Romero. Benito touched my knee and I reeled from my thoughts. “You’re nervous,” he said in an accusatory tone. He did not remove his hand from my knee. “I’m glad you’re getting along so well,” Father said as he came toward us from behind, with Maria following a few steps behind him like a good dog. I had never been so glad to see Father. Benito removed his hand from my knee and I stood up quickly. I had to leave before I lost her.
Fortunately, Benito and his daughter left shortly after . Father looked incredibly satisfied as he closed the door behind them. When he turned back to me, his smile faded. “Don’t look at me like that. Benito is an important man. He is one of our most influential captains with a large number of loyal soldiers. Having him on our side is important.” “Can I go back to New York so I can go wedding dress shopping with Aria?” I didn’t mention Gianna, although I felt guilty, but I couldn’t risk my father getting angry again. And I definitely didn’t want to remind him about Gianna’s flight. My father laughed. “You can go shopping here. I will never let you leave Chicago again. There’s too much to do and I don’t trust that you won’t do something stupid if I let you out of my sight. I know you and Gianna are not so different. I won’t let you ruin it. You are going to marry Benito.” Once back in the room, I dialed Romero’s number with trembling fingers. He answered after the first ring. “Are you okay?” he asked immediately. “The wedding is in four weeks.” “Fuck,” Romero growled. I could hear him hitting something and then the sound of something breaking. Romero always sounded so in control. “Your father has lost his fucking mind. I’m not going to let him. I don’t give a damn if he’s a councilor.” “Please calm down.” Part of me enjoyed his fury because it showed how much he cared about me, but the other part was terrified of the consequences he might face if he acted on his emotions. “How can you be so calm, Lily? Do you realize what that means?” “Of course,” I whispered. “What about Aria and Luca? Can they do anything?” “I don’t know. Aria is talking to your father right now.” “Good,” I said with little conviction, but I knew it was no use. My father seemed determined. “Will you be allowed to go back to New York?” “No, my father doesn’t want me to leave Chicago. He wants to keep an eye on me until the wedding.” “Damn. I’ll talk to Luca. We’ll find a way.” “Okay,” I whispered. “I won’t lose you Lily. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I swear.” “I know.” “I’ll call you after I talk to Luca.” “Okay.” I sounded like a broken record. I hung up and sat cross-legged on the bed. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Romero called me again. I answered right away. I was strangely calm. “And?” I said. Romero let out a sharp breath and I knew it was all over. A deep sadness overcame me. “Your father will go through with this marriage. Aria tried to talk him out of it but he got very angry and accused her of trying to weaken the Outfit. He warned her not to get involved or he would see it as an attack on the Outfit and would advise Dante to cut off relations with us.” “So there is nothing to stop this marriage.” “I can fly to Chicago tomorrow and pick you up. I doubt your father’s men could stop me.” “And then what?” “Then we would find a solution.” “Could we go back to New York? Would Luca protect us ?” Romero was silent for a long moment. “Luca would not risk war for that. We would be on our own.” “Would that mean Luca would also hunt us down?” Romero sighed. “Lily, we could do it. I could keep us both safe.”
I had no doubt about that, but what kind of life would that be? I would never see Aria and Gianna again, I would never see Fabi again, I could never go back to New York or Chicago, and we would always have to live in fear. “Can I talk to Aria?” “Sure. What’s going on, Lily?
I thought you wanted us to run away together.” “I did. I do. But you love the Family, and you and Luke are like brothers. You would lose everything if you ran away.” “You’re worth it.” I wasn’t sure if that was true. “Can I talk to Aria now?” “Sure. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. Aria’s voice rang out on the other side. “Oh Lily, this is such a mess. How are you?” “I feel like I’m falling and there’s nothing to stop my fall,” I admitted. “We won’t let you fall, Lily. I will convince Luke to change his mind. You are my sister. I will not let you be unhappy for the rest of your life. If Luca loves me, he will help you.” “He says he doesn’t want to risk war. Does he think Dante will really start a war if I don’t marry Benito?” “If you run away to be with Romero, then Father will take it as an attack by the Family and convince Dante to take revenge. There will be war. Both Luke and Dante must show strength. Their men expect it of them. Despite years of cooperation, New York and Chicago still do not like each other.” “If Romero decided to act alone and take me out of Chicago, what would Luca do?””I don’t know. He is really determined to avoid war with Chicago. To do that he would have to call Romero a traitor who acted without his Chief’s permission and to keep the Outfit happy, he would have to go after Romero and…” He interrupted himself. “And kill him,” I concluded for her. “Could he do that? Could he really kill Romero?” “I don’t think he would,” Aria said. “But he could turn him over to the Outfit.” “That would also mean Romero’s death.” “I will talk to Luca. If he loves me, he won’t. Gianna will also talk to Matteo. We will help you Lily, no matter what it takes. I don’t care if it means war.” “Fabi will soon be part of the Outfit. He may have to fight against Romero, Luca and Matteo. Many will die and the Russians may take their chance and kill even more .” “I don’t care if the Russians take over parts of the city. It’s all about money. I want us all to be happy.” “But could we be happy? What if Dante and the Outfit try to assassinate Luke? It already happened when New York and Chicago were at war.” Aria fell silent. She loved Luca. “It won’t come to that.” “You don’t know that.” We remained silent.
“Do you want me to give Romero the phone again?” asked Aria after a while. “Yes.” I heard her move and then Romero was on the other end again.
“So did you and Aria talk about everything?””Yes. Aria will talk to Luca again.” “He won’t change his mind. And he’s right to stand firm. He has to think about the Family,” she said. “I don’t care about the Family, but I do care about you.” “Don’t worry about me. I will gladly die if it means saving you from Benito Brasci.” That was exactly what I feared. “Don’t say that. My life is not worth more than yours. Marrying him is not a death sentence.” “Do you want to marry him now?” asked Romero abruptly. He was so nervous. I wanted to touch him and calm him down. “Of course not, but I don’t want you to risk your life.” “There is no other way, Lily. But don’t worry. I’ve already done it.” I knew he had, but this time was different. We talked for a couple more minutes before I promised to call him the next day with a detailed plan for my escape. When I hung up, I stared at the white wall in front of my bed for a very long time as if it could give me the answers I needed. The people I loved most would risk everything to keep me safe, to save me from a loveless marriage, but at what cost? Romero seemed not to care at all that he might lose everything. I knew he loved the Family; he was proud to be part of it. He loved this life, but he would have to leave it behind if he helped me escape this marriage. Luke would not have risked war. His people would have mutinied. He would have had no choice but to give up Romero and turn him over to the Outfit . Aria could have destroyed her marriage if she had tried to blackmail Luca into helping.
He had forgiven her once for betraying him, but would he do it again? Could I risk everyone’s happiness for my own? Someone knocked on my door and then Dad came in unannounced. I got up immediately. His expression was thunderous. “What did you say to your sister? Why are she and Luca trying to meddle in our family? Did you really think they could change my mind about your marriage?” “They want to help you because they are worried about me.” “I don’t care!” he roared. “You’re marrying Benito, end of story.” “I can’t,” I said desperately. “You can and you will.” “I’m not a virgin anymore. If you don’t want people to find out, you can’t let me marry Benito!” I blurted out. My father rushed at me, grabbed my arms and pushed me against the wall. The back of my head resounded from the impact.
“What did you say?” he growled. I gasped at his menacing face. He shook me hard until my vision blurred.
Suddenly Fabi ran into the room. He pulled my father’s arm, trying to free me, but my father hurled himself at him. Fabi landed on the floor, his face flashing with pain. “Go back to your room, boy. Now, or I swear you’ll regret it.” My arms ached from my father’s grip, but I gave Fabi a little nod. I wanted him to leave. He didn’t need to get into trouble because of me. Fabi struggled to his feet and after a moment’s hesitation, hobbled out of my room. When he was out of sight, Father turned back to me. I trembled. “Tell me the truth.” I could not speak. I regretted ever saying anything. Father really looked like he wanted to kill me. He slapped me hard in the face but did not let me go. “Who was it? Who turned you into a little whore? Someone from the Family, wasn’t it?” My ears burned in my eyes but I did not cry. I could not tell Father the truth. “No,” I said quickly. “I met him in a club, he’s no one you know.” “I don’t believe a fucking word you say, you disgusting slut. And it doesn’t matter. You will marry Benito and scream like a scared little virgin on your wedding night so he doesn’t doubt your innocence. I swear, if you ruin everything for me , I will break every bone in your body.” He let go of me and stepped back, his eyes full of hatred. “And if you try to get yourself out of this marriage, and maybe even ask your sisters for help, believe me , the war between the Outfit and the Family is only the ‘beginning. I will personally hunt you down, you and your sisters, and then I will find out who screwed you and skin that ass alive. Do you understand?” I nodded sharply. My father looked like he wanted to spit on me. Instead he turned on his heels and walked away. I collapsed to the ground. Now it was really all over. I could not allow my father to hurt everyone I loved just because I wanted out of my marriage to Benito. The ‘image of my father’s hate-filled eyes seemed burned into my mind. If I had married Benito, the Outfit and the Family would have continued to work together. Fabi would have been safer, everyone would have been safer. I would have been able to see my sisters and Fabi at least occasionally, and Romero would have been able to continue working for Luca. He would have gotten over me and found someone else. And me, maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad. I didn’t even know Benito. Maybe he wasn’t a horrible guy. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t tasted happiness. Being with Romero had been great.
It was something I would never regret and would always love. It was time to do the right thing.
Maria was accepting her fate. So many girls before me.
I should have done the same, if only to protect my loved ones.
Once the decision was made, I felt relief, then deep sadness. I lay down but sleep did not come. I remembered the longing in my mother’s eyes before her death and couldn’t help but wonder if one day I would have the same look in my eyes.
***