Liliana I stared at the ceiling, or rather where I knew it was. The darkness was impenetrable; I could not even make out my hand. Sometimes it seemed that the darkness was all there was in my life. A long tunnel with no end.
Especially at night Mom’s words haunted me. I had promised her I would be happy, but I wasn’t even sure how to do it. A deep loneliness filled me; it had taken hold of me since Mom had died. We had never been as close as some daughters are to their mothers, but she had always been there, a constant presence. And now it seemed that I was completely alone. Sure, there was Fabi, but he was young and would soon be involved in mob affairs and Dad…. Right now, being here in the Hamptons made me happy, but it was temporary.
My sisters, they were always there for me, but they had their own lives, they had husbands, and one day they would have their own families. They would still love me and still take care of me, but I wanted my own happiness, separate from them. I wanted what they had. And I knew that the only person I wanted that kind of happiness with was Romero.
He had looked at me differently this summer. In years past, his expression had made it clear that to him I was nothing more than a girl, someone to protect. But recently something had changed. I was no expert when it came to men, of course, but his gaze had hinted at something I often saw on Luca’s face when he looked at my sister Aria.
At least, I was pretty sure of it. I took the blanket off my body and sat down. I didn’t bother to turn on the lights for fear of attracting attention and instead trudged toward the door. I lowered the handle and slipped into the hallway. It was quiet and dark, but at least there I could make out the plans. Not that I needed to see anything to find Romero’s room. I knew exactly where it was. I had lost count of the number of times I had imagined going there. But so far reason had stopped me. Tonight I was tired of listening to reason, of playing it safe. I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to spend all night staring into the darkness, feeling lonely and sad. I slipped into the hallway, careful not to make a sound, barely daring to breathe. When I reached the door to Romero’s room, I stood there for a long time. It was silent inside. Obviously; it was long past midnight and he always got up early for his run.
My fingers were trembling with nervousness as I grabbed the door handle and pushed it down. The door opened without a sound. I slipped inside and closed it again, then didn’t move for a long time, just stared at the bed and the outlines of Romero’s body. His curtains were not drawn, so the moonlight provided some light. He was turned toward me and the blanket only reached his waist. My eyes traced his muscular shoulders and arms. I moved closer, one hesitant step after another. This was so wrong. Romero had caught me in his room before, and worse, caught me spying on him in the shower, but this time it felt more intimate. He was in bed, and if things went my way, I would soon catch up with him. What if he sent me away? Or worse, what if he got angry and told Luca? What if I was sent back to Chicago to that dark, hopeless house with my father who didn’t miss my mother at all?
I froze a couple of steps from the bed. My breathing had quickened as if I was straining and my palms were sweating. Maybe I was losing my mind. I was trying to convince myself that I was doing it because Mother wanted me to be happy, but maybe I was just using it as an excuse for my madness. I had wanted Romero long before Mom said anything, and I had even tried to kiss him long before his death.
I shook my head, angry at myself for overthinking everything. There had been a time when I had done whatever I wanted as long as I felt like it. I took another step toward the bed, but I must have made a noise without realizing it because Romero’s breathing changed and his body stiffened. Oh no. There was no turning back.
He rolled onto his back in a fluid motion, then his eyes settled on me. She relaxed, but quickly stiffened again.
“Liliana?”
I didn’t answer. My tongue seemed to stick to my palate. What was I thinking?
Romero swung his legs off the bed and sat on the edge for a moment, watching me in silence. Could he see my face? I probably looked like a mouse trapped by a cat, but I wasn’t afraid. Not even a little bit. If anything, I was embarrassed and strangely aroused. I was a twisted, sick mouse, that was for sure. He stood up and, of course, my eyes did a quick scan of his body. He was wearing only boxer shorts. He looked too good to be true. As if he had come straight out of my dreams. It was embarrassing to think about how many times I had dreamed about Romero and all the things I wanted to do with him.
“Lily, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”
There was concern in his voice, but there was also something else . Something I had felt when he had caught me spying on him in the shower. It was something darker and almost impatient.
My stomach fluttered with butterflies and I took a step in his direction. I wanted to fly into his arms, I wanted to kiss him and so much more.
“Can I sleep with you?” The words came out in a rush, just like that , and once they came out I could not believe I had said them . Especially because they could easily be interpreted the wrong way.
Romero froze. Silence stretched between us. I was sure he would crush me at any moment. I took another step in his direction. Now I was almost within reach.
The sound of Romero’s breathing was incredibly loud. I could see his chest heave. Was he angry?
“This is not something you should joke about,” he said softly. “It’s not funny.” He was angry. Maybe I should have taken the hint and turned on my heels to leave his room, but like Gianna I had never been very smart in situations like this.
“I wasn’t joking and I didn’t mean it that way,” I whispered . “I want to sleep in your bed, just sleep.” For now.
Eventually I wanted more.
“Liliana,” Romero murmured. “Have you lost your mind ? Do you realize what you are saying?”
Fury rose up. Everyone thought I was too young, too naive, too female to make decisions. “I know exactly what I’m saying.”
“I doubt it.”
I bridged the distance between us until our chests were almost pressed against each other. Romero did not flinch, but braced himself. “Every night I feel like the darkness is swallowing me completely, like my life is spinning out of control, like there is nothing good in my life. But when I think of you those feelings disappear. I feel safe when I’m with you.”
“You shouldn’t. I’m not a good man, not by any criteria.”
“I don’t care about good. I grew up in this world. I know how things are, and I’m fine with it.”
“You don’t know the half of it. And if you really know how things are, then you should understand what could happen if someone found you in my room at night.”
“I’m tired of hearing things I can’t do. Can’t I make my own decisions? It’s my life, so why can’t I make decisions?”
Romero was silent for a moment before saying, “Of course , it’s your life, but your father has certain expectations of you. And not only that, Luca gave him and Dante Cavallaro his word that he would take care of you and keep you safe. This includes your reputation. If someone told them you were in my room right now, it could mean war between the Outfit and New York. This is not a game. This is too serious for you to joke about.”
“I’m not joking. I’m so lonely, Romero,” I whispered . “And I like you. I really like you.” That was an understatement. “I just want to be close to you.
You kissed me back and I know how you looked at me. I know you’re interested in me.”
He said nothing.
Doubt crept into my brain. Was I imagining the looks he gave me? “If you don’t like me, then tell me. All right.” It wasn’t. I would have been devastated, but maybe it would have been for the best. Somehow I would have gone on with my life.
“Fuck,” he murmured, turning away and leaving me staring at his back. “If I were a good guy, I would tell you exactly that. I would lie to you for your sake.
But I’m not good, Lily.”
Relief flooded through me. He hadn’t said he didn’t like me. I had read the signs right. God, I could have screamed with joy. I rested my palms on his bare shoulder blades. His skin was soft except for a few small scars, but they only made him more desirable to me. They flexed under my touch, but he did not pull away. “So you are interested in me? And do you like me ?”
Romero let out a harsh laugh. “That’s crazy.”
“Just tell me. Do you find me attractive?”
He turned away. I wasn’t quick enough to remove my hands, so now I rested them on his chest. That was even better. I had to restrain myself from running my hands up and down her body. Even in the semi-darkness I could see the fire in his eyes. He squared me from head to toe. I was wearing only pajama shorts and a tank top, but I wasn’t even embarrassed. I wanted Romero to see me like that, I wanted to get a reaction from him.
“Lily, you are stunning. Of course I find you attractive.
Look at you, you’re too fucking beautiful for words.”
My lips parted. It was more than I had dared hope for . I leaned even closer and looked at him, “Then why do you keep rejecting me?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do and because I know the risks.”
“Isn’t it worth the risk?”
Romero stared at me with such intensity that I could not help but shudder. He did not answer. He grabbed my hips and pulled me against him before his lips rested on mine. I opened without hesitation, eager for that kiss, longing for his closeness. His tongue plunged into my mouth.
There was no glimmer of hesitation or doubt in his kiss. I groaned . It was so different from our first kiss, more intense. He grabbed the back of my neck, guiding me in the direction he wanted. I could barely keep up with him. I stood up on tiptoe and leaned into him as I clung to his shoulders to keep my balance. The kiss consumed me, lit a fire in my belly, and made me want so much more.
Romero jerked back and I tried to follow him but he kept me at a distance. His breathing was labored and there was a wild look in his eyes. “Give me a second,” he croaked.
He closed his eyes as if in pain. All I could think about was kissing him again, having his hands on my body. That was all I wanted. But I did as he asked and gave him a few seconds to regain control of himself.
Finally he opened his eyes again. The wild look was gone and replaced by something more controlled. His grip on my shoulders loosened and his thumbs lightly stroked my skin. I wasn’t even sure she noticed. The light touch gave me goosebumps of joy all over my skin. I waited for her to say something, but I also feared what she would say.
One of her hands moved to my cheek. “You should leave now,” he said softly.
I froze. “Are you sending me away?”
Hesitation crossed his face. “It’s for the best, Lily, believe me.”
I took a step back. I wasn’t going to beg him. If he didn’t want me to spend the night with him, then I should have accepted it . “Okay. Good night.” I turned and hurried out of the room. I hardly paid any attention as I crossed the hall to my room. I had put myself on the line today, had risked everything to get what I wanted. I would never do it again. I had a huge crush on Romero, but I still had my pride. If he didn’t want to take that risk, then I would take it.
I closed the door and went back to bed. As before darkness enveloped me. There was too much silence in my room, too much loneliness and emptiness. Not even the memory of the kiss we had exchanged Romero could cheer me up. Not when it was probably the last time I kissed Romero. It took me a long time to fall asleep and then my mother’s pale, unhappy face haunted me in my dreams.
*** Romero and I just looked at each other the next morning. I did not seek his closeness as usual. I tried to avoid his gaze as much as possible, but a couple of times I caught him casting furtive glances at me. I wasn’t sure what they meant , but I was glad that he and I couldn’t spend time alone together. Of course, he was almost always around. It was hard to avoid your bodyguard, but I did my best to focus completely on my sisters, to enjoy my time with them.
Romero It was almost midnight when I headed for my room.
Luca, Matteo and I had been playing cards until an hour earlier, a distraction I fucking needed, and later, when they had joined their wives in bed, I had sat on the terrace and wondered why I couldn’t do the same.
A noise made me stop. My hand went to the gun as I followed the sound toward Lily’s door. She seemed to be in distress, mumbling in her sleep and crying. I checked the hallway, but I was alone. Everyone was long asleep or at least busy behind closed bedroom doors. I pushed open the door and slipped inside. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, which was worse than in the rest of the house. The curtains let no light in. I held the door ajar and went further into the room. I knew what I was supposed to do, and it certainly wasn’t being alone in Lily’s bedroom with her at night. On my list of things to avoid, that was really at the top.
She was in obvious distress, and I had sworn to protect her, but a nightmare wouldn’t hurt her. There was no reason for me to be there. I could have called Aria or Gianna, or just let Lily sleep through her nightmare, but I was a stupid bitch.
When she had come to my room two days earlier, it had taken every fucking ounce of self-control to send her away.
I wanted her in my bed, and not just to sleep. When I had first heard her ask if she could sleep with me, I had almost gotten a hard-on. I knew she didn’t mean it that way, but I had never wanted to misunderstand someone more than that night.
It was an absurd thing. I had always put my work and Family first. All the women in my life up to that point had been a nice distraction, but they had never even come close to interfering with my duties. Lily was different. I wasn’t sure how she did it, but I couldn’t get her out of my mind . I looked between the open door and Lily’s bed, then approached her. I left the door ajar, even though part of me wanted to close it and have maximum privacy, but if I was to have any chance of keeping my promise I needed the risk of someone walking by and looking into the room.
As I stood over Lily, I watched her for a moment. She lay on her back, her blond hair splayed across the pillow and her eyebrows furrowed. Even in the middle of a nightmare she was fucking beautiful. Damn. What had I gotten myself into? I touched her shoulder. She was wearing only an undershirt, and my fingers grazed the bare skin of her shoulders, and the touch made me tremble all the way to my cock. Her fucking shoulder, not her breasts or her butt or her pussy. I almost got a fucking hard-on touching a shoulder, for God’s sake. This was pathetic on a whole new level. “Liliana?” Somehow it felt safer to use her normal name instead of her nickname.
Her eyes moved under her eyelids and she stirred under my hand, but she still didn’t wake up. I gently touched the side of her neck, feeling her pulse throbbing under my fingertips.
“Lily,” I said a little louder.
She gasped and her eyes widened, staring straight at me . “Romero?” she whispered in a voice still weighed down by sleep. I wanted to kiss her so badly.
Liliana Someone touched my throat, tearing me from sleep. I opened my eyes but it took a few seconds before my brain registered what was in front of me: Romero.
“Romero?” Maybe I was still dreaming. It was definitely an improvement over my previous dream about my mother who had spoken to me with lifeless eyes of happiness.
“It’s okay,” Romero said in his deep voice.
I looked around. “You’re in my room.” I looked like an idiot. But I was stunned. After all, he had practically kicked me out of his room two days earlier and now he was in mine. A little twist I hadn’t expected. Not that I minded.
Romero’s lips twitched as if he wanted to smile, but then he turned serious again. Sometimes I thought he was trying to hold back the smiles because he was afraid that if he allowed that kind of emotion, it would all come out. “You had a nightmare. I decided to wake you up.”
I nodded. He stood beside my bed, half bent over me.
If I had leaned over I could have grabbed his neck and pulled him down. My fingers were quivering with the urge to do just that, but I had not forgotten his refusal not long before. He had to take the next step, and I wasn’t sure that entering my room to wake up from a nightmare counted as one. I wanted it to. I sat down and my blankets fell to my hips. I wore only a light tank top. Romero’s eyes followed the movement and lingered on my chest.
“Thank you for waking me up. I had a dream about my mother.” I wasn’t sure why I said that. My nightmare was the ‘last thing I wanted to think about, let alone talk to Romero.
His eyes returned to my face. Sometimes I thought I might drown there. When he was around I felt so happy and light. Somehow I knew he was the one, the person I needed to be with. I knew it from the beginning . If there was such a thing as destiny, then this was it.
Romero shook a lock of hair from my forehead and I leaned toward his touch. Somehow he was closer now.
“You miss him.”
I nodded. I did, but his last words haunted me more than his death. Her sadness at the things she had missed, the longing in her eyes-I didn’t think I could ever forget . Romero and I crossed paths and stared at each other . In the dim light filtering in from the hallway, I could see the conflict in Romero’s eyes. I wanted to lean forward, but I stopped myself. I had to be strong, I had to have some self-respect .
I was about to say something, anything, to stop the rising tension, but then Romero leaned down and kissed me. I didn’t expect it, and I gasped against his lips, but my surprise lasted only a couple of seconds, then I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him with my whole self. He rested one knee on my bed beside me and cradled my head. His kiss chased the last bit of my tiredness and lingering sadness away from my dream. I wasn’t sure how long we kissed, Romero kneeling on the bed and me semi-sitting, but I felt more alive with each second.
Finally I pulled back, my breathing was labored. There was an insistent throbbing between my legs, but I knew it would be wrong to go any further that night.
Romero stroked my cheek and was about to straighten up, but I took his arm. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
I waited for a protest, but it did not come. My heart sank as he headed for the door. Was he going to leave without saying a word? Instead he closed the door quietly before going back to bed. With every step he took in my direction, my heart seemed to swell with excitement. Romero took off his gun holster and placed it on the nightstand, then took off his shoes. I moved to the other side of the bed to make room for him, excitement fluttering in my chest. He did not get under the covers with me as I had hoped, instead lying on top.
I looked at him over my shoulder. He looked tired, even more tired than I felt.
He smiled. He looked almost resigned, with a hint of regret.
He passed an arm around my waist and pulled me close to his body, my back pressed against his chest, with the blankets between us. I wanted that barrier gone, but I decided to let him have his way for that evening. I had won a small battle; the war could wait. Despite the material piled between us, I was pretty sure I could feel how much our kiss had affected Romero. Smiling to myself, I closed my eyes. “Thank you for Stay with me.”
Romero kissed the back of my neck. “Get some sleep.
I’ll keep the nightmares away.”
“I know you will,” I whispered.