Liliana Sometimes I felt like I had to prove myself to Father every day. He was waiting for me to make a mess like Gianna, but I wasn’t sure how that was possible; he never let me out of his sight. Unless I started something with one of my old bodyguards, there was no way I could tarnish my honor. But my father still had not forgiven Gianna, which was why I had not seen her in almost two years. She was forbidden to come to Chicago, and I was not allowed to visit New York. If it were not for Aria’s stealth, I could not even talk to Gianna on the phone.
Sometimes I felt anger toward Gianna because her escape had turned my life into hell. Perhaps my father would have been less strict if Gianna had followed the rules. And then there were times when I admired her for her boldness. There was not a night when I did not dream of freedom. I didn’t really want to escape, but I wished I could carve out more freedom in my life. Freedom to date someone, freedom to fall in love and be with that person.
I didn’t even remember what it felt like to be in love. Just like Gianna, I had not seen Romero for almost two years. What I had felt for him then had not been love, not even close.
It had been admiration and fascination, I knew that now. But there had been no one else. Of course, it was hard to meet someone you could fall in love with if you went to an all-female
school and we were not allowed to go anywhere alone.
The sound of glass breaking downstairs tore me from my thoughts. I jumped out of bed and opened the door.
“Mom?” I called. She had been gone all morning.
There was no answer, but I could hear someone moving around in the kitchen.
I sneaked out of my room and down the stairs. “Mom?”
I tried again when I was almost to the kitchen door. Still no answer. I pushed open the door and entered . A wine bottle lay broken on the floor, with red wine spilled all around it. Mother was kneeling beside it, her cream-colored skirt slowly soaking up the liquid, but she didn’t seem to notice . She was staring at a splinter in the palm of her hand as if it contained the answer to all her questions. I had never seen her like that . I approached her. “Mom?” I hardly ever called her that, but at that moment it seemed the right choice.
She looked up, her blue eyes were blurry and full of tears.
“Oh, are you home?”
“Where else would I be?” I wanted to ask, but instead I touched her shoulder and said, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
She stared again at the piece of broken glass in her hand, then dropped it to the floor. I helped her to stand up. She was not stable on her legs, and I could smell alcohol on her breath. It was still early to start drinking, and in fact she was not much of a drinker.
“I was at the doctor’s.”
I froze. “Are you sick? What’s wrong?”
“Lung cancer,” she said with a little shrug. “Stage three.”
“But you’ve never smoked! How is that possible?”
“It can happen,” he said. “I’ll have to start chemotherapy soon.”
I hugged her, feeling helpless and small under the weight of that news. “Does Dad know?”
“I couldn’t reach him. He didn’t answer the phone.”
Of course not. Why would he answer a call from his wife? He was probably with one of his mistresses. “We have to tell Aria and Gianna. They need to know.”
Mom grabbed my arm. “No,” she said firmly. “It will ruin their Christmas. I don’t want them to know yet.
There’s no reason to worry them. I haven’t talked to Gianna in a long time anyway, and Aria has enough to do as a Chief’s wife.”
“But Mom, they would like to know.”
“Promise me you won’t tell them,” she demanded.
I nodded slowly. What else could I do?
*** Two hours later I heard Dad come home and another thirty minutes later, Mom’s light footsteps came up the stairs and then the master bedroom door closed.
She was left alone. Was Dad still downstairs? I left my room and went to his office on the second floor. After a moment’s hesitation, I knocked. I needed to talk to him.
Our Christmas party was going to be held in two weeks, and now that Mom was sick, Gianna should have been invited. She and Mom were supposed to have a chance to spend some time together and reconcile.
“Come in,” Dad said.
I opened the door and stuck my head in, almost expecting to see him devastated and in tears, but he was hunched over some papers, working. I walked in, confused. ” Did Mom talk to you?” Maybe she hadn’t told him about her cancer.
He looked up. “Yes, she did. She will start treatment with the best doctor in Chicago next week.”
“Oh, okay.” I paused, hoping for something else from Dad, but he looked at me without a hint of emotion on his face. “I thought Mom needs her family’s support now more than ever. Her whole family.”
Dad raised his eyebrows. “E?”
“I think we should invite Gianna to our Christmas party. She and Mom haven’t seen each other in a long time. I’m sure Mother would be very happy to see Gianna again.”
Father’s face darkened. “I will not tolerate that bitch in my house. Maybe Matthew forgave her and even married her despite her transgressions, but I am not so kind.”
No, kind was definitely not a word I would have used for my father.
“But mother needs all the support she can get.”
“No, and that’s my last word,” he growled. “And your mother doesn’t want people to know about her illness.
They’ll just start wondering if we invite Gianna. We’ll pretend nothing is wrong. You won’t even tell your sisters or anyone else, do you understand?”
I nodded. But how could I keep such a secret from everyone?
*** The house was decorated beautifully for our Christmas party. Everything was perfect. The smell of roast beef and truffle mashed potatoes wafted through the rooms, but I couldn’t enjoy it. Mother had spent yesterday and most of the morning vomiting from treatment. With several layers of makeup, you couldn’t tell how pale she was, but I knew. Only my father and I knew. Fabi had no idea either.
Aria and Luca arrived only a few minutes before the other guests. They were staying in a hotel anyway, so it was not too difficult not to let them know my mother’s state of mind. Aria smiled radiantly when she saw me and hugged me. “God, Lily. You are so beautiful.”
I smiled through clenched teeth. I had been so excited when I had found the silver ‘dress a few weeks earlier because it made me feel bigger and highlighted my curves in just the right way, but today my excitement over something like an item of clothing seemed ridiculous.
Aria pulled away and scrutinized my face. “Are you all right?”
I nodded quickly and turned my attention to Luca, who had been waiting patiently behind my sister for his turn.
He gave me a quick hug. It still felt strange to hear him greet me like that. “My father is still in his office and my mother is in the kitchen,” I explained. At least I hoped my mother was not in the bathroom throwing up again.
Luca walked past me and my gaze landed on Romero, who had hidden behind his bulk.
I opened my eyes wide at the sight of him. I had not expected him to come.
Last year Luca had come alone with Aria. After all, he was more than capable of protecting her.
“Hello,” I said casually, sounding much more composed than I felt. I still hadn’t gotten over my crush on Romero , but I realized with relief that I was no longer a trembling mess with him. The past months and weeks had changed me.
Romero Luca had business to attend to with Scuderi and Dante Cavallaro; he was the only reason I had come to Chicago with them. And now, as I stood on the threshold of the Scuderi mansion, staring at Liliana, I wondered if I shouldn’t have made up an excuse. The last time I had seen Lily she was a girl, and although she was not yet a woman, she had grown up a lot. She was fucking stunning. It was hard not to look at her. It was easy to forget that she was still a few months away from her majority, easy to forget that she was way out of my league.
She tilted her head in greeting and took a step back.
Where had the blushing, flirtatious girl gone? I had to admit that I was sad because she was no longer giving me her flirtatious smile, even though it had always bothered me in the past.
I followed Luca and Aria into the house. I could hear Lily’s footsteps behind me, smell her floral scent and even see her slender figure out of the corner of my eye . It took a lot of self-control not to turn to look over my shoulder to get another good look at her.
I spent the next two hours discreetly observing her while pretending to be busy guarding Aria, not that I had much to do anyway. But the more I observed Lily, the more I realized that something was wrong. Every time she thought no one was paying attention to her, she seemed to deflate, her smile fading, her shoulders drooping. She was a good actress when she gave her full attention, but her few moments of inattention were enough for me. Over the years as a bodyguard, I had learned to be aware of even the smallest signals.
When she left the living room and did not return, worry overwhelmed me. But it was not my responsibility. Aria was. I glanced at Luca’s wife. She was deep in conversation with her mother and Valentina Cavallaro. I excused myself.
She would be safe there. Luca was across the room engaged in what appeared to be a discussion with Dante and Scuderi.
Once I found myself in the lobby, I hesitated. I wasn’t sure where Liliana had gone, and I certainly couldn’t search the whole house for her. If someone had found me, they might have thought I was spying for Luca. A noise from the hallway to my right caught my attention, and after making sure I was alone, I followed until I saw Liliana. She was leaning against the wall, her head thrown back and her eyes closed. I could tell she was trying to hold on, yet even so, she was a sight to behold. Damn beautiful. Someday a man would be very lucky to marry her .
The idea did not sit well with me, but I did not dwell on my strange reaction. I walked toward her, making sure to make my footsteps audible so that she knew she was no longer alone. She stiffened, opened her eyes wide, but when she saw me, she relaxed again and turned away. I wasn’t sure what to make of her reaction to my presence. I stopped a couple of steps away from her. My gaze shifted to her long, lean legs, then I moved quickly to her face.
“Liliana, are you all right? You’ve been gone for a long time.”
“Why do you insist on calling me Liliana when everyone always calls me Lily?” She opened her eyes again and smiled bitterly. She had fucking amazing blue eyes. ” Did my sister tell you to keep an eye on me?” she asked accusingly.
As if I needed someone to tell me.
Tonight it had been almost impossible to take my eyes off Liliana. “No, she didn’t,” I said simply.
Her blue eyes were confused, then she turned her face to the side, leaving me staring at her profile. Her chin trembled but she swallowed and her expression calmed.
“Don’t you need to keep an eye on Aria?”
“Luca is there,” I said. I moved a little closer, too close.
Lily’s scent rose to my nose, making me want to bury my face in her hair. God, I was losing my mind. “You can tell there’s something wrong. Why don’t you tell me?”
Lily squinted her eyes. “Why? I’m not your responsibility. And the last time we saw each other you didn’t seem to like you very much.”
Was she still angry with me for keeping her from kissing me on her birthday more than two years ago? “Maybe I can help you,” I said instead.
She sighed, her shoulders slumped a little lower. With that expression of weariness, she looked somehow older, like a grown woman, and I had to remind myself again of my promise and my oath. Her eyes filled with tears when she looked at me, but they did not fall.
“Hey,” I said softly. I wanted to touch her, to brush her hair away. Fuck. I wanted so much more, but I stayed where I was. I couldn’t go around touching a daughter of the Outfit Adviser. I wasn’t even supposed to be alone with her.
“You can’t tell anyone,” she said.
I hesitated. Luca was my boss. There were certain things I couldn’t keep from him. “You know I can’t promise you without knowing what you’re going to tell me.” And then I wondered if maybe she was pregnant, if maybe someone had broken her heart, and the idea infuriated me. I shouldn’t have wanted her, I shouldn’t have wished for her, and yet.
“I know, but it’s not about the Outfit or the Family.
It’s about…” He lowered his gaze and swallowed. “God, I shouldn’t tell anyone. And I hate it. I hate that we keep up the charade when things are falling apart.”
I waited patiently, giving her the time she obviously needed.
Her shoulders began to shake but she still did not cry.
I wasn’t sure how she did it. “My mother has cancer.”
This was not what I had expected. Although, now that I thought about it , her mother looked pale despite the thick layer of makeup on her face.
I touched Lily’s bare shoulder and tried to ignore how pleasant she looked, how smooth her skin was. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you talk to Aria about it? I thought you and she talk about everything.”
“Gianna and Aria talk about everything. I am the little sister , the fifth wheel.” She sounded bitter. “I’m sorry.”
She released a long breath, obviously trying to keep her emotions in check. “Father forbid me to tell anyone, even Aria, and I’m here to tell you.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I promised before I could really think about it. What was I doing promising something like that to Lily? Luke and the Family were my priority. I had to consider the consequences if the Councilor’s wife became ill. Would that have weakened him and the Outfit? Luca might have thought so. And not only that, I was supposed to protect Aria.
Wasn’t it my job to tell her that her mother was sick? That was the problem if you started thinking with your dick. Then things always got complicated.
Lily tilted her head to the side with a curious expression. “You’re not going to do it?”
I leaned against the wall next to her, wondering how I was going to get myself out of that corner. “But don’t you think you should tell your sister? She’s her mother. She deserves to know the truth.”
“I know, don’t you think she does?” she whispered desperately. “I want to tell her. I feel so guilty for keeping it a secret. Why do you think I’m hiding in the hallway?”
“Then tell him.”
“Father would be furious if he found out. He has been nervous for a long time. Sometimes I think all it takes is the smallest accident and he would put a bullet in my head.”
She looked fucking scared of her father. And that bastard was scary. I took her hand. “Did he do something to you? I’m sure Luca could find a way to keep you safe.” What the hell was I talking about? Scuderi would have convinced Dante to start a war if Luca took his youngest daughter away from him. You never meddle in other people’s family problems. That was one of the most important rules in our world.
“Daddy wouldn’t allow that,” she said in a practical tone.
She was not really the child I had first met. This world took away your innocence too soon. “And he didn’t do anything, but he would be furious if you went against his direct orders.”
“You know your sister, she would never tell anyone.”
“Then she’d have to bear the secret and couldn’t even talk to Mother about it. Why is everything such a mess? Why can’t I have a normal family?”
“We can’t choose our family.”
“And in my case, not even my future husband,” she said . Then he shook his head. “I don’t know why I said that.
That’s not what I should worry about now.” She lowered her gaze to my hand, which was still holding hers. I let it go . If Scuderi or one of his men had surprised us, Scuderi would have had a new reason to lose his head.
“You know what? I’m going to tell him,” Lily said suddenly. She straightened up and gave me a grateful smile. “You’re right.
Aria deserves to know the truth.” Now that she was no longer leaning against the wall, we were even closer. I should have taken a step back and kept my distance, but instead my eyes were drawn to her lips.
Lily surprised me by pulling away. “Thank you for your help.” I watched her turn the corner and then walk away.
Liliana My heart was pounding in my chest, not only because I had been alone with Romero and had struggled to leave without kissing him, but because I was determined to go against my father’s orders. Maybe Romero had told the truth and would not tell my sister and Luca about my mother, but why would he keep a secret from me? We were not a couple, we were not even friends. We were nothing to each other. The thought buried itself like a weight in my stomach.
It was better if I told Aria now. Sooner or later she would find out , and I wanted it to be from me. I found her in the living room, a plate of ham in her hand. She was talking to Valentina. I approached them, and Valentina noticed me first. There was a flash of pity in her green eyes before she smiled at me. Did she know?
Of course she did. Dad had probably told his boss Dante right away, and Dante had told his wife. Had Father told other people, too? People he felt were more deserving of the truth than his family? “Hello Val,” I said. “Can I steal Aria from you for a moment? I need to talk to you.”
Aria gave me a quizzical look but Valentina simply nodded. I put my sister under my arm and walked nonchalantly around the room with her. I didn’t want Dad or Mom to get suspicious. I met Romero’s gaze from across the room. He was standing next to Luca and Dante but looking in my direction.
He gave me a small nod of encouragement and somehow that small gesture made me feel better. For the past two years I had convinced myself that the thing with Romero was nothing more than a silly crush, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“Lily, what’s going on? “You’ve been acting very strange all night,” Aria whispered as we headed toward the lobby.
“I’ll tell you in a moment. I want us to be alone.”
Aria’s face grew gloomy with concern. “Has something happened? Do you need help?”
I led her upstairs and to my room. When the door had closed behind us, I let go of Aria and let myself fall onto my bed. Aria sat down beside me.
“It’s Mom,” I said in a whisper. “She has lung cancer.” Maybe I should have told her less directly, but it wouldn’t have made the news any less horrible.
Aria stared at me with wide eyes, then slumped against the wall, letting out a gasp. “Oh God. I thought she looked exhausted, but I blamed it on another fight with Dad.”
“They’re still fighting and it’s making everything worse.”
Aria wrapped her arm around me and for a moment we huddled in silence. “Why didn’t she tell me herself?”
“Father doesn’t want anyone to know.
He even forbade me to tell you.”
Aria pulled back. “He forbade you?”
“He wants to keep up appearances. I think he’s embarrassed by Mom’s illness.” I hesitated. “That’s why I didn’t tell you right away. I didn’t know what to do, but I talked to Romero and he convinced me to tell you.”
Aria scrutinized my face. “Romero, huh?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Will you tell Gianna when you’re back in New York?”
“Of course,” Aria said. “I hate that she can’t be here.”
She sighed. “I want to talk to Mom about it. She needs our support, but how can we give it to her if we’re not supposed to know?”
I didn’t know. “I hate how Dad acts. He’s so cold toward her. You are so lucky, Aria, to have a husband who cares about you.”
“I know. Someday you’ll have that, too.”
I really hoped he was right. Life with someone like my father would be a hell I couldn’t survive.
*** Every day, Mother faded a little more. Sometimes it seemed like all I had to do was look away for a moment, and her skin had already turned a scarier shade of gray and lost even more weight. Even her beautiful hair had completely disappeared. It was impossible to keep her illness hidden any longer. Everyone knew about it. When other people were around, Dad played the caring and concerned husband, but at home when we were alone he could barely stand Mom’s presence, as if he feared she was contagious. It was my turn to support her as I tried to get through my last year of school. Aria, Gianna and I talked on the phone almost every day. Without them I would not have survived. And at night, when I lay in the dark and couldn’t sleep from worry and fear, I remembered the way Romero had looked at me at our Christmas party, as if he had seen me for the first time, really seen me as a woman and not just a stupid little girl. The look in his brown eyes made me feel warmer, even if it was only a memory.
A soft knock made me sit up. “Yes?” I asked softly.
“Please don’t let Mommy throw up again.” I wanted a night without the sour smell in my nose. I felt sick at the thought. How could I think such a thing?
The door opened and Fabi stuck her head in the crack before slipping inside. His dark hair was tousled and he was in his pajamas. I hadn’t drawn the curtains, so I could tell she had cried, but I didn’t tell her. Fabi had turned twelve several months earlier and was too proud to admit his feelings to anyone, not even me.
“Are you asleep?”
“Does it look like I slept?” I asked in a mocking tone.
He shook his head, then shoved his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants. He was too old to sleep with me because he was afraid of something. Dad would have torn Fabi’s head off if he had found him with tears on his face in my room. Weakness was not something Dad tolerated in his son, or in anyone else.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I moved to the side . “I can’t sleep anyway.”
“You only have chick flicks,” he said as if I were asking him for a huge favor, but he walked over to my DVD shelf and picked something out. Then he sat down next to me with his back against the headboard. The movie started and we watched in silence for a long moment.
“Do you think Mom is going to die?” asked Fabi suddenly, his eyes fixed on the screen.
“No,” I said with all the conviction I didn’t feel.
*** Today was my 18th birthday, but there would be no party. Mother was too sick. There was no room in the house for celebration or happiness. Dad was hardly home anymore, he was always away on business, and lately Fabi had started accompanying him. And so I was left alone with Mother. Sure, there was a nurse and our maid, but they were not relatives. Mom didn’t want her around, and so I was the one sitting on her bed after school, reading to her, trying to pretend that her room didn’t smell of death and despair. Aria and Gianna had called in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. I knew they wanted to come and see me, but Dad had forbidden it. Even on my birthday he could not be kind.
I put down the book I had read to Mom. She was sleeping. The sound of her respirator, a click and tinkle, filled the room. I got up, needing to walk a bit. My legs and back were stiff from sitting all day.
I walked to the window and looked outside. Life was happening everywhere around me. My phone buzzed in my pocket, distracting me from my thoughts. I pulled it out and found an unknown number on the screen. I pressed it against my ear. “Hello?” I whispered as I stepped out into the hallway so as not to disturb my mother, although by now the noises hardly woke her up.
“Hello Liliana.”
I froze. “Romero?” I couldn’t believe he had called me, and then a horrible idea came to me, and the only explanation for his call. “God, did something happen to my sisters?”
“No, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” His voice was sweet , warm and deep, and it soothed me like honey with a sore throat.
“Oh,” I said. I leaned against the wall as my pulse slowed again. “Thank you. Did my sister tell you it was my birthday?” I smiled slightly. I could imagine Aria doing so, hoping to cheer me up. She hadn’t told me about it, but I was pretty sure she knew I still liked Romero after all this time.
“She didn’t have to do that. I know what your birthday is.”
I said nothing, not knowing what to say. Did he remember my birthday?
“Do you have birthday plans?”
“No. I will stay home and take care of my mother,” I said wearily. I could not remember the last time I had slept through the night. If my mother didn’t wake me up because she was vomiting or in pain, then I stayed up staring into space.
Romero was silent on the other side, then in an even gentler voice said, “Things will get better. I know things seem hopeless now, but they won’t always be this way.”
“You’ve seen a lot of death in your life. How do you cope with it?”
“It’s different if someone you care about is dying or if it’s a work issue.” He had to be careful about what he said on the phone, so I regretted bringing it up, but hearing his voice made me feel too good. “My father died when I was fourteen. We weren’t as close as I would have liked, but his death was the only one that really took me far away.”
“My mother and I are not as close as many of my friends are with their mothers, and now that she is dying I regret it.”
“There is still time. Maybe more than you think.”
I wanted him to be right, but deep down I knew it was only a matter of weeks before my mother lost her battle.
“Thank you, Romero,” I said softly. I wanted to see her face, wanted to smell her comforting scent.
“Do something to make you happy today, even if it’s just something small.”
“That makes me happy,” I admitted.
“All right,” he said. Silence followed.
“I have to go now.” Suddenly my admission embarrassed me. When was I going to stop exposing myself ? I was not a person who could hide my emotions, and I hated it.
“Goodbye,” Romero said.
I ended the call without adding anything else, then stared at my phone for a long moment. Was I reading too much into Romero’s call? Maybe he wanted to be polite and call his boss’s wife’s sister on her 18th birthday to earn some bonus points. But Romero didn’t seem the type for that. So why had he called? Did it have to do with the way he had looked at me at our Christmas party? Was he starting to like me as much as I liked him?
*** Two weeks after my birthday, my mother’s health deteriorated further. Her skin was papery and cold, her eyes glassy from painkillers. My grip on her was loose, afraid of hurting her. She looked so fragile. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t take long. I wanted to believe that a miracle would happen, but I was no longer a child. I knew that wasn’t the case. Sometimes I wished I was still the naive child I was .
“Aria?” said Mother in a feeble voice.
I jumped up in my chair and approached her. “No, it’s me Liliana.”
Mother’s eyes focused on me and she smiled sweetly.
She looked horribly sad on her exhausted face.
She had once been so beautiful and proud, and now she was just a shell of that woman.
“My sweet Lily,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. Mother had never been the overly affectionate type. She had hugged us and read us bedtime stories and generally tried to be the best mother she knew how to be, but she had hardly ever given us nicknames. “Yes, I’m here.” At least until Dad tried to send me away again. If it was up to him, Mother would be kept away from everyone she loved, cared for only by the nurses she had hired, until she died. I tried to convince myself that it was because he wanted to protect her, that a proud woman would be remembered as she was before and not just because of her illness, but I had a feeling that was not his main incentive. Sometimes I wondered if she was ashamed of herself.
“Where are your sisters? What about Fabi?” She peered over my head as if she expected to see them there.
I lowered my gaze to her chin, unable to look her in the eye. “Fabi is busy with school.” It was a blatant lie.
Dad was making sure Fabi was busy with who knows what so she wouldn’t spend too much time with our mother. As if Father worried that his illness would be passed on to Fabi if he got too close. “Aria and Gianna will be here soon. They can’t wait to see you again.”
“Did your father call them?” Mom asked.
I didn’t want to lie to her again. But how could I tell her that Father didn’t want them to visit our dying mother, that they wouldn’t even know she was dying if I didn’t call them? I filled her glass with water and brought it to her lips. “You must drink.”
Mother took a small sip, but then turned her head . “I’m not thirsty.”
My heart broke as I placed the glass back on her nightstand. I looked for something to talk to my mother about , but the thing I really wanted to talk to her about, my crush on Romero, was something I couldn’t trust.
“Do you need anything? I could bring you some soup.”
She shook her head slightly.
He was looking at me with a strange expression, and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t even sure why. There was such a look of despondency and longing in his gaze that spoke to a dark place deep inside me. “God, I don’t even remember what it’s like to be young and carefree anymore.”
Carefree? I hadn’t felt carefree in a long time.
“I wanted to do so many things, I had so many dreams . Everything seemed possible.” His voice grew louder as if the memory drew energy from somewhere deep inside him.
“You have a beautiful home and many friends and children who love you,” I said, but even as I did I knew it was the wrong thing to say, and I hated this feeling of always doing the wrong thing, of not being able to help.
“Yes,” he said with a sad little smile. Slowly it faded.
“Friends who don’t come to see me.”
I couldn’t deny it, and I wasn’t even sure if it was because of my father that they stayed away or if they never really cared about my mother in the first place. I opened my mouth to say something, another lie I would feel guilty about later, but my mother kept talking. “A house that was paid for with blood money.”
Mother had never admitted that Dad did horrible things for our money, and I never got the ‘impression that she cared much. Money and luxury were the only things Dad had always given freely to her and to us. I held my breath, half curious and half terrified of what she would say next. Did she regret having children?
Were we a disappointment to her?
She patted my hand. “And you guys-I should have protected you better. I was always too weak to defend you .”
“You did everything you could. Dad would never have listened to you anyway.”
“No, he wouldn’t have,” she whispered. “But I could have tried harder. There are so many things I regret.”
I couldn’t deny it. I had often wished she had stood up for us, especially for Gianna, when Dad had lost his mind again. But it was no use making her feel bad about something that could not be changed.
“You only have this one life, Lily. Make the most of it. I wish I had, and now it’s too late. I don’t want you to end up like me, looking back on a life full of missed opportunities and lost dreams. Don’t let life pass you by. You are braver than me, brave enough to fight for your happiness.”
I swallowed, stunned by his impassioned speech. “What do you mean?”
“Before I married your father, I was in love with a young man who worked in my father’s restaurant. He was sweet and charming. He was not part of our world.”
I cast a glance toward the door, worried that my father would hear us. As if that might happen. As if he would really set foot in this room. “Did you love him?”
“Maybe. But love is something that develops over time and we never had the chance. I could have loved him very much , I’m sure. We kissed behind dumpsters once.
It was cold outside and smelled like garbage, but it was the most romantic moment of my life.” A sweet smile painted itself on her face, an expression I had never seen before on my mother.
Pity squeezed my heart. Had Dad never done anything romantic for her? “What about Dad?”
“Your father…” she interjected. He took a few shuddering breaths. Even with the help of the oxygen tank, she was struggling to breathe. “He has no time for romance. He never had any.”
But he had time for prostitutes behind my mother’s back.
Even I knew about it, and I was usually the last person to learn about this kind of thing. I had never heard him say a kind word to Mother. I had always thought that he could only show affection behind closed doors, but now I realized that he probably never did. The only nice thing he did was to buy her expensive jewelry.
“Don’t get me wrong, I respect your father.”
“But you don’t love him,” I concluded. I had always been convinced that Mom loved Dad, even when he didn’t reciprocate the feeling, but finding out that there was nothing between them somehow felt like a punch in the stomach. Aria and Gianna had done their best with their arranged marriages, but now I realized that many were not so lucky and had never loved or even tolerated their husbands. Most women in our world were trapped in a loveless marriage with a cheating and sometimes even abusive man.
She sighed, her eyes closed, her skin turned even paler than before. “I always told myself there was still time to do the things I love, to be happy, and now? Now it’s too late.”
Would those words always sound like a punch every time she spoke them? “No,” I said shakily. “It isn’t. Don’t give up.”
He looked at me with a sad smile. “It won’t be much longer. For me there is nothing but regret. But you have your whole life ahead of you, Liliana. Promise me that you will live it to the fullest. Try to be happy.”
I swallowed hard. All my life my mother had told me to accept my fate, to be a good girl, to be respectful. “I want to marry for love.”
“You should,” she whispered.
“Father will not allow it. He will find someone for me, won’t he?”
“Aria and Gianna have been good couples. You should not marry for tactical reasons. You should be free to fall in love and marry that special guy.”
An image of Romero leapt into my mind and a swarm of butterflies filled my stomach.
“I remember that look,” Mom said softly. “There’s someone, huh?”
I blushed. “He’s stupid. He’s not even interested in me.”
“How could he not be? You’re beautiful and smart and come from a good family. He would be crazy not to fall in love with you.”
I had never spoken to Mom like that, and I felt incredibly sad that it had taken cancer to be so close. I wished she had been that kind of mother before, and then I felt guilty for thinking something like that. “She’s not someone Dad would approve of,” I finally said. And that was a huge understatement. “He’s just a soldier.”
“Oh,” Mom whispered. She was having trouble keeping her eyes open. “Don’t let anyone stop you from achieving happiness.” The last words were barely audible as Mom slowly slipped into sleep. I removed my hand from under hers and stood up. Her breathing was labored, hoarse and flat. I could almost imagine how he would stop at any moment. I left the room but did not close the door. I wanted to be sure to hear him if Mom called for help.
I headed for the stairs where I almost bumped into Dad. “Mom, I’ll be glad to see you,” I said. “But she just fell asleep, so you’ll have to wait a while.”
He loosened his tie. “I wasn’t going to see your mother. I have other meetings scheduled.”
“Oh, right.” That was why he smelled like a perfumery and why his suit was creased. She had spent the morning with one of her prostitutes and was probably on her way to the next one.
“But she would like to see you later.”
The father squinted his eyes. “Did you call your sister?
Luca called me this morning to tell me that he and Aria were on their way to Chicago to visit your mother.”
“They have the right to say good-bye.”
“Do you really think they want to see your mother in this state? Your mother was once a proud woman, if she were still sane, she wouldn’t want anyone to see her in this pitiful state.”
Anger boiled over. “You’re embarrassed for her, that’s all !”
He raised a finger in warning. “Be careful. Don’t use that tone with me. I know you’re under pressure, but my patience is running out right now.”
I pressed my lips together. “Are Aria and Luca still coming or have you forbidden them to come?” I didn’t say Gianna was coming to see him, too. She would find out soon enough and then, hopefully, Luca would be there to calm him down.
“They will be here in the afternoon. That will give Luca and Dante a chance to discuss business.”
Was that what was bothering him? Business? His wife was dying and he didn’t give a damn. I nodded and left without another word. Half an hour later I saw my father leaving the house again. There had been a time when I admired him . When I saw him in his black clothes and thought he was the most important person in the world. But it had not lasted long. The first time he had raised his hand against Mother, I knew he was not the man I thought he was.
***