In the weeks following Thomas’ death, Bibiana blossomed into new life. She seemed to thrive in the solitude of her home. I wished I could have handled the solitude as well.
Dante was busier than ever. He wanted to make sure that the rest of his people were on his side 100 percent.
This did not leave me much time, except for the nights when he woke me up with caresses and kisses. Since I had asked him to make love to me after Anthony’s death, he had allowed more intimacy during sex, had often held me in his arms, but I had the feeling that he still preferred to be behind me because it allowed him to stay his distance.
I spent my days working at the casino, or with Bibiana or Ines, who had become a stronger presence in my life as my pregnancy progressed. Today Bibiana, Ines and I had arranged to go shopping together. Of course, children’s clothing was the number one item on our agenda for the day.
As we entered our first baby store, Ines asked the question I knew she had been looking forward to for hours. “So how is Dante doing with the pregnancy?” “He’s not dealing at all,” I said nonchalantly. I didn’t want Ines to know how much it bothered me that she hadn’t asked me directly about our baby once. He always asked me how I was and was always more attentive when we slept together, but he never put the word baby in his mouth. He hadn’t even asked if it was a boy or a girl yet. “Most of the time he pretends there is no pregnancy.”
Ines looked at my protruding stomach. It was still not too obvious when I was wearing a loose blouse since I was only twenty-six weeks old, but of course Dante saw it all the time. “That’s impossible. Do you want me to talk to him?”
“God, no,” I said quickly, then sent Ines an apologetic smile. “But thank you. Dante would be angry if you interfered.
“You’re probably right. I still don’t like him. Sometimes I don’t understand men. Why can’t they admit they made a mistake?”
I shrugged. It was something I had wondered about so often, but it had never gotten me far. Bibiana was holding a cute onesie with the words “Lock up your boys, my father owns a gun” written on the front.
“Not that anyone needs this reminder, but why not? You should get something like this. She smiled, then turned serious again.
“Is something wrong?”
I wasn’t sure. There was a strange twinge in my lower abdomen. Perhaps my baby was lying in an uncomfortable position and pressing on my kidneys. “I’m fine,” I said. I picked up the same onesie. “I don’t even know if it’s a girl.”
“I really hope so, so our girls can play together.”
Bibiana was only eighteen weeks old but had already asked the doctor about the sex. She had been relieved when she found out it was a girl because she feared a boy might remind her too much of Thomas.
“I want to be surprised.” I wasn’t. I had been curious.
I had been from the moment I had found out I was pregnant, but I wanted Dante by my side when the doctor had told me the sex of our baby. I wasn’t sure that would ever happen , though.
“I don’t know how you do it. I’m too curious,” Bibiana said.
Ines nodded. “That, and Peter was desperate to know if he would have an heir. I guess with twins we really did get the perfect result for both of us. She laughed, then calmed down when she saw my face. “Did my parents bother you? I know my father wants Dante to have a son who can become Chief in the future. Don’t let them pressure you.
“I don’t see them very often,” I said. “But of course they asked me about that kind of thing. Your father didn’t look very happy when I told him I didn’t want to know.
“Men. I’m really surprised that Dante isn’t more interested in finding out if he will have an heir soon. But he has always been relaxed about these things. Many men would have found a way to produce an heir elsewhere if their wives were barren, but Dante never blamed Carla. He stood by her even when our father urged him to find a mistress to impregnate.
“It’s horrible,” I said. There was still a strange pressure in my lower abdomen, but it seemed to get better now that we weren’t walking as much.
“E. Father suggested that Dante and Carla could raise the baby as their own, but Dante refused.
“Maybe because he was afraid he would be the one not to deliver,” Bibiana said quietly. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about it in public. Dante would not be happy if he found out. Of course now we knew that it had to be Carla who was infertile, even though Dante and I had not talked about it since our big fight.
“So what do you say?” asked Bibi with a bright smile, still holding that onesie with the cute quote.
I nodded with a resigned smile. “All right. I will understand that. Even if I have a boy, maybe next time it will be a girl, so it’s not like I’m wasting money.
Ines lightly touched my belly. “I’m looking forward to it. There’s nothing better than the smell of a newborn baby and those little toes and fingers.
“True,” I said as I peeked into the stroller where Ines’ baby was sleeping soundly.
Bibi and I both bought onesies. Then we said goodbye to Ines who went back to her car with her bodyguard, while Taft followed me and Bibi as we walked back to the Mercedes. She pretended not to be there. For that I was grateful. When I was married to Antony I often left the house alone, but that was now a thing of the past.
Taft took us back to my house. Bibi and I wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon together, flipping through books with children’s names and eating the delicious Italian almond cake Zita had baked this morning.
The slight discomfort in my stomach that I had felt all day increased as we walked up the few steps to the front door and into my house. Taft silently excused himself and would probably return to the guard post now that he was no longer needed. Silence reigned in the house except for the distant rumble of male voices. Dante was probably still in a meeting.
“Come on. Let’s take our purchases upstairs. I want to show you the lamp I bought for the nursery,” I said to Bibiana.
I put my foot on the first step and froze. A sharp pain shot through my belly. I dropped the bags I had been carrying and immediately grabbed my stomach as my other hand snapped to cling to the railing. Something warm dripped down my legs. I looked down at my body in horror. My beige pants were rapidly turning darker. Had my water broken? It was too soon. Too soon. It didn’t feel like enough water, but what did I know?
Bibiana let out a shocked cry. I was too stunned to utter a word. “Valentina? Talk to me.”
“It’s too soon,” I said quietly. Fourteen weeks too soon. I began to shake as I clutched my belly.
“You are bleeding,” Bibiana whispered. She was right. My pants had a slight red tinge to them. My vision wavered.
“We need an ambulance,” Bibiana said. Then she shook her head. “We need to call Dante.”
My legs started shaking and I had to lean against the wall to keep from falling. Dante was at an important meeting. And I wasn’t even sure he wanted this baby. He probably still thought I had betrayed him to conceive. “No, Dante is busy.”
Bibi looked at me incredulously. “The hell he is. Help!
Help!” he started screaming.
I was busy standing, so I didn’t try to stop her.
Dante’s office door was ripped open and Dante ran out, gun in hand. My father and Rocco Scuderi were behind him, guns drawn. Dante’s burning eyes came to rest on me, and the fury slipped from his face and was replaced by concern.
“Valentina?” said Dante running toward me, already putting the gun back in its holster. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing. I didn’t want to disturb your meeting.”
Dante wrapped an arm around my back as my legs gave way . His gaze traveled down my wet pants. I had never seen that look on his face. Was he really worried about me? I gasped as the pain coursed through me again. My father appeared before me. “Valentina?”
“We have to take her to the hospital,” Bibiana said abruptly.
Dante nodded and lifted me up.
“Your shirt. You’re making it dirty.”
Dante squeezed me even tighter and carried me outside. Immediately Taft and Enzo rushed in our direction. “I want you to fix the front,” Dante ordered. The calm efficiency was replaced by something urgent in his voice. They nodded before rushing off. My father held open the passenger door of the Mercedes and Dante gently sat me down.
“I’m going to get your mother,” Dad said, touching my cheek.
“We’ll be at the hospital soon.”
He closed the door, and the moment Dante got behind the wheel, he started the engine and we sped out of the garage and down the driveway. The car with Enzo and Taft waited in front but sped down the street when we had almost caught up with them.
Dante drove well over the speed limit. Every bump in the road made me wince. The pain wasn’t so bad anymore, now there was just a dull ache, but what if it was a bad sign? “We should have put a towel on the seat. I’m getting wet,” I said.
Dante looked in my direction. “I don’t give a shit about the seat or the car or anything else right now. You are all that matters.
He reached out and took my hand, which was resting on my belly. “We’re almost there. Do you feel sick?”
“It’s not as bad as before,” I whispered. Then because I couldn’t drop him. “It’s your baby, Dante. I’ve never cheated and I won’t.
Dante held his breath. “Is that the reason?”
“Do you think my water broke because I was angry with you?”
“I don’t know.” There was something akin to despair on his face. “I’m a fucking bastard, Val. If you lose this baby…” He shook his head and focused again on the windshield as we stopped in front of the hospital entrance. The car with our guards was already there, as well as a doctor and a nurse with a stretcher. Dante jumped out of the car and jogged around the hood to help them get me out of the car.
Once I lay down on the stretcher, I was transported to the hospital. Dante never left my side. And he only let go of my hand when it got in the way of the doctors and nurses.
*** After hours of ultrasounds, blood tests and all kinds of other checks, I was finally taken to a room. I was tired and scared, though not as much as before. Dante settled on the edge of the mattress and shook a few strands of hair from my face. My eyelids were heavy but I did not want to sleep. Dante had spoken to the doctors, because at that moment I did not feel that my brain could follow their explanations. “What did they say?” I asked.
“He said you had a premature rupture of the membranes. That’s why you lost some of your amniotic fluid.
“What does that mean? Do they have to deliver our baby early?” Fear was like a vice around my throat. It would be too early. What if I lost our child?
Dante settled back against the pillow and drew me to his chest. “No, they don’t. It hasn’t ruptured completely, but obviously there’s a higher risk of infection now, which is why you’ll have to take antibiotics for a while. You didn’t go into labor, so that’s an advantage. They hope to delay delivery until at least week 30. You’ll have to stay in bed as much as possible, and you won’t be allowed to exercise in any way.”
“All right,” I whispered. “I just want our baby to be safe.”
“She will be. We won’t let anything happen to her,” Dante said in his calm, reassuring voice.
I gasped. “Her?”
Dante nodded. “I asked the doctor. They could see it when they did the ultrasound. It’s a girl.”
I wanted to be happy, and I was. I was going to love our child, no matter if it was a girl or a boy, but I knew what was expected of me. I licked my dry lips, scanning Dante’s eyes . “Are you upset because it’s not a boy? I know you need an heir. Your father…” Dante grabbed my cheek, preventing me from adding more.
“I am happy. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. And my father will eventually see reason.
He sounded honest, but I knew the realities of mob life and the need for a Made Men to have a boy who could follow in his footsteps, be inducted into the mob, and ensure the Outfit’s success. A man needed a son to be fully respected by his fellow Made Men. “You don’t have to sugarcoat things for me, Dante. I know how things work in our world.
Dante pulled back a few inches, his eyebrows raised. “I’m not sweetening anything. I’ve told you the truth. I am happy that we will have a daughter. I will be happy for every child we will have . I won’t lie, many people in the Outfit will see it as something less desirable. They will only really congratulate me when you are pregnant with a boy, but I don’t care about them. You are still young and we have time. We will have more children and maybe there will be a boy among them. But for now let’s be content with our daughter.”
“Are you happy?” I asked, already starting to cry again. This was the thing I hated most about being pregnant; my loss of self-control when it came to my emotions, especially my tears. “Since I told you I was pregnant, you never asked me about the baby. You pretended it wasn’t there. You made me feel horrible about something that should have been a cause for joy. Why did you change your mind? Why did I almost lose our baby?”
“I didn’t change my mind. I’ve been happy about your pregnancy for a while now.”
I looked at him doubtfully. “That’s not what I saw.”
“I’m good at hiding my thoughts and emotions,” Dante said regretfully. “But I shouldn’t have done that in this case. You’re right, I ruined your first pregnancy. All because I was too proud to admit I was wrong.
I waited patiently for him to say more. I was not yet ready to accept his unexpressed apology.
Dante rested his palm lightly on my stomach. “You were right during our argument after you told me about your pregnancy. I never wanted Carla to see a doctor about her inability to conceive because I didn’t want to find out that I was the one who was infertile. I am a proud man, Val. Too proud, and somehow I had convinced myself that I couldn’t become Chief if I found out I couldn’t get my wife pregnant. I would have been half a man.”
“No, you wouldn’t. But I understand where you are coming from . But if so, then why weren’t you elated when I told you I was pregnant with your child? After all, that meant you were not infertile. Shouldn’t you have been proud?”
Dante’s smile was solemn. “Yes, I suppose I should have.”
He paused and I gave him the time he needed to understand his next words. I had a feeling he was going to share something very personal with me. “But when you told me about your pregnancy, it was almost like an attack on Carla’s memory, as if you were blaming Carla for her inability to bear me children by getting pregnant so quickly.”
“I never meant to attack your wife,” I said in horror. ” I know you loved her more than anything else. I knew it before we were married, and you never let me forget it in all the time we were together. The last part turned out to be more accusatory than expected.
“I know,” Dante said, his cold blue eyes tracing my face. ” I treated you badly. You did nothing to deserve it. When you first gave yourself to me, I should have held you back afterward. That would have been the decent and honorable thing to do. Instead, I left. I did not want to allow myself to be near you. I had allowed myself to love once, and after watching Carla die a slow and horrible death, I had vowed to myself that I would never again allow a woman into my life.
I nodded slowly. “I’m sorry about what happened to Carla. I’m sorry you had to watch her die.
Dante’s eyes were distant. He was not crying. I didn’t think he would ever allow himself to do so in front of anyone, but there was a deep sadness in his eyes that tore at me. ” I killed her.”