133

We fell back into the same routine we had established before Frank’s fiasco. Dante would fuck me at night, engage me in casino talk during meals, and otherwise mostly ignore me. Every morning I woke up alone, no matter how long Dante had kept me up the night before.
This was also the case the morning I woke up with cramps. When I sat up, I was hit by a violent wave of morning sickness. I rushed to the bathroom and vomited what little I had in my stomach, breathless and dizzy. Gradually a suspicion crept into my mind.
My period was at least a week late. But then again, my menstrual cycles had always been rather unstable, so I had not paid much attention to it.
Was I pregnant? I slowly straightened up and started toward the sink to rinse my face and mouth. That would be the logical explanation. Dante and I had been sleeping together for months without protection. When I was sure the dizziness had passed, I took a shower before getting dressed in casual chino pants and a sweater, tied my hair in a ponytail, and walked down the stairs. I had to find out if I was pregnant.
I called Taft and told him I had to go to the pharmacy.
Enzo still had his arm in a cast, so he could not work as my driver at the moment. Taft did not ask why, which pleased me. I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything yet. I needed to know for sure before I told anyone. Taft waited in the car while I went to the pharmacy and bought two pregnancy tests. Once back in the car, with my purchase well hidden in my bag, I turned to Taft. “Please accompany me to Bibiana.”
Since I had started working at the casino, I had less time for her, but it was something I wanted to share with her.
I sent her a message so that she would know I was coming and not surprise her and her husband again at a bad time. Fortunately, Thomas was not home when I arrived at Bibiana’s. There were no visible bruises on her body, and I hoped it was because Tommaso was treating her better and not because he was making sure to hide them better since Bibi had spent the night at my house. “Are you okay?” I asked as a sign of greeting.
Bibi nodded, “Tommaso has been in a good mood lately.”
She led me into the living room. “I am so happy to see you again . Don’t you have to work?”
“I don’t think I’ll go today. I’ll call Leo later to let him know.”
“Did something happen?”
I pulled the pregnancy tests out of my bag.
Bibi’s eyes grew wide. “Are you pregnant?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I bought them. I wanted you to be there when I found out.”
“Oh. Does Dante suspect?” I shake my head. “I want to know for sure before I tell him .” “I see. He would only be disappointed if I told him and then it wasn’t true. He took one of the pregnancy tests. “So you want to do it now?”
I nodded, nerves rattling in my stomach. Bibi led me into the guest bathroom. I went in by myself. I had never learned to pee with other people in the same room. Once I was done, I placed both tests on the edge of the sink and opened the door. Bibi wrapped her arm around my waist as we both stared at the tests.
“I think it’s time,” she said after a few minutes.
“All right.” I took the tests and, with a deep breath, stared at them. Both were positive. “I’m pregnant.”
Bibi hugged me tightly. “That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Dante will be so proud when he finds out. He has waited long enough to have children and you finally give them to him . Will you tell him today?”
I considered it. “I think I should ask my gynecologist for confirmation. As you said, I should be absolutely sure before I tell him. And the other reason was that I needed some time to get used to the idea. I had always wanted children, and Dante and I had never taken any countermeasures, but now that I knew I would have a baby in less than a year, I was nervous.
“I couldn’t keep it a secret. Especially since Thomas desperately wants me to get pregnant.
“Maybe we’ll get pregnant together. That would be great.”
She smiled. “Go on, call your doctor.”
“I will,” I said with a laugh. She seemed more elated than I .
As usual, I had an appointment for the next day. My gynecologist was associated with the Outfit, so I never had to wait long.
*** That evening, when Dante and I sat down to dinner together, the truth was on the tip of my tongue. I was still nauseous and didn’t eat more than a few bites of Zita’s delicious lasagna. My glass of wine remained untouched and I could only take a few sips of water. Dante peered at me from over his wine. “Are you okay? You barely touched your food.
“I don’t feel well. Maybe I caught a stomach flu.”
Dante’s eyebrows furrowed. “Should I tell Zita to make you tea and chicken soup?”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you, but I think I’ll go to bed soon.” I got up and had to cling to the edge of the table as a wave of dizziness seized me. Dante was immediately beside me. “Should I call the doctor?”
I shook my head, then regretted the movement. “NO. I will feel better once I lie down.” Dante did not move from my side as he led me upstairs, his hand resting on my hip.
I put on my pajamas while Dante watched me. Then I slipped under the covers. “Do you want me to join you?” he asked .
I hesitated. “I don’t think I’m well enough to have sex.”
Dante perched on the bed. “Valentina, that’s not what I meant . I’m not that kind of bastard .”
“I just thought-” I interrupted myself. “You usually only come close to me when you want to sleep with me.”
Dante exhaled, then shook his head. “Do you want me to keep you company until you fall asleep?”
I didn’t want to sound needy, but mostly I wanted him to stay with me. His baby was growing in my body, and if my gynecologist confirmed what the tests had said, I would tell him. “I don’t want to keep you away from work.”
Dante leaned against the back of his head, his legs dangling over the edge so that his shoes would not touch the sheets. I moved closer to him and rested my head on his belly. When his fingers began to massage my scalp, my eyes closed.
Maybe a baby would bring us closer together. It had worked for some couples in the Outfit.
*** The next day my gynecologist confirmed my pregnancy and that I was seven weeks along.
I could barely contain my excitement and nervousness when I came home afterwards. Dante was not in his office. I called Bibi and grabbed a few pieces of toast from the kitchen before lying down on the couch, hoping the bread would stay in that way. My gynecologist had told me that my nausea could last for several weeks, but I really hoped I was among the lucky ones who suffered from morning sickness for only a very short period.
I was awakened by the sound of a door being closed and sat up, disoriented. It took me a moment to realize that I had fallen asleep in the living room. Heavy footsteps passed the living room door, then retreated to the back of the hall. I got up and, after arranging my clothes and hair, headed for Dante’s office. The door was closed as usual. I knocked and entered.
Dante sat behind his desk, a thunderous expression on his face. I leaned against the door. He looked up, but said nothing.
“What happened? Did the Russians give you trouble?” I didn’t mention Frank, not wanting to remind Dante of my mess.
Dante leaned back in his chair and shook his head. “No, for once the Russians are not the problem,” he said coldly. “Our own people have accepted the task.”
I frowned. “What do you mean? Did one of your people betray you ?”
“It seems there will be no marriage.”
“You mean between Gianna and Matteo? Why? Did they quarrel again?”
“A fight would not have stopped Matteo from taking Scuderi as his wife. He’s obsessed with her. No, the girl ran away.”
I entered the room and perched on the edge of the desk, stunned by the news. “Gianna ran away from home?
But how did she manage to escape her bodyguards?” I doubted Scuderi would let her out of his sight for even a second. She was too unstable for that.
“I had a meeting with Rocco but I don’t know all the details yet.”
“New York will not be happy about it. Do you think this will lead to a war between us and them again?”
Dante’s lips twisted into a wry smile. “I doubt it. Gianna ran away while she was visiting her sister Aria, so Vitiello is as much to blame as we are.”
“Then it’s their turn. How can it be our fault if she was in their territory?”
“People will say that Scuderi did not raise his girls well.
Some will begin to wonder how a councilor can control his soldiers if he can’t even control his own daughter. A few might even say that it reflects badly on me to take advice from someone who lets his daughter become unrestrained.
“This is ridiculous. Gianna has always been rowdy. Her brothers behave perfectly well, so no one can blame Scuderi or you. I remembered what Gianna had said about running away when I talked to her. Should I have taken it more seriously? I thought she was just venting.
“I’m not so sure. And who says Aria didn’t help her sister escape?”
My eyes grew wide. “But Gianna should marry Aria’s brother-in-law. She would have betrayed her husband if she helped her sister escape.
Dante nodded, with the same cold smile still on his face.
“Things are going to get very unpleasant.”
I rubbed my belly absentmindedly. “What are you going to do? Has Matteo already called off the wedding?” “Oh no. Matteo has no intention of calling off the wedding.
He is determined to find Gianna. He has already started looking for her.” He sighed. “Scuderi is sending two of his soldiers with Matteo. The three of them should be able to track down the girl. They are professionals and she is a sheltered girl who knows nothing about the real world.
I could feel a new wave of unease rising inside me, but I fought it. “Don’t underestimate Gianna. If anyone could do it, then it’s her.”
“Maybe. But she’s also a hothead, and that will eventually lead her to make mistakes.
I took a deep breath between my teeth as my stomach churned again. Dante scrutinized my face. “You look pale.
Are you still not feeling well? Maybe you should talk to the doctor.”
“No, I…” I could not finish the sentence when another wave of nausea swept over me. I ran out of Dante’s office and toward the guest bathroom. I would not make it to the master bathroom on the second floor. The moment I bent over the toilet, I emptied what little I had eaten that morning. Bile was burning in my throat. I closed my eyes for a moment as I clutched at the bowl. It didn’t help with the dizziness, if possible it made it worse. My eyes widened as I heard footsteps behind me and Dante’s black Budapest shoes appeared in my peripheral vision. I quickly flushed and staggered to my feet. Dante grabbed my arm to support me as I wobbled. “Valentina?” His voice conveyed confusion.
I rinsed my mouth in the sink and washed my face.
I could feel Dante’s eyes on me the whole time. I faced him, smiling shakily. “I’m fine.”
Dante did not seem convinced. He followed me into the lobby and then upstairs to our bedroom. I wanted to change my shirt. I couldn’t help but think it smelled like vomit. I knew Dante was suspicious, but I didn’t want to tell him about our baby when he was in a bad mood because of Gianna. I would rather keep it a secret a little longer.
Dante touched my life. “You know I hate it when you keep secrets. Don’t make a habit of it.”
I crossed his gaze and pressed my palm to his stomach.
Dante followed the movement, his body tensing.
“I’m pregnant,” I said quietly, hopeful. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew Dante was not the overly emotional type, but I hoped for at least some glimmer of joy. But there was only suspicion on his face. He took a step back, his gaze hard and calculating. “Pregnant?”
“YES. We never used protection, so I don’t understand why you act so shocked. Wasn’t an heir one of the reasons you married me?”
“That was the reason my father wanted me to remarry .”
“So you don’t want children?”
Dante’s mouth was tight. “Is it mine?”
Now it was my turn to walk away from him, with shock and pain hitting me. I couldn’t even say anything. Had he really just asked what I think he had? I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
“Answer my question,” Dante said in a low voice.
“Of course he’s your son. You’re the only man I’ve ever slept with. How can you ask such a question? How dare you?”
“I don’t keep track of everything you do, and there are many men who frequent the casino where you work who wouldn’t say no to an evening with you. You’ve made a habit of keeping things from me. Need I remind you Frank?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to believe it. Tears of disappointment and fury were burning in my eyes. Being pregnant had not exactly helped my temper and my emotionality. “How can you say such a thing? I’ve never given you reason to doubt me like that.
I am faithful to this marriage. There is a difference between not telling you about Frank and cheating on you.
Dante still didn’t seem convinced. “My first wife and I tried for years to get pregnant. It never worked out. You and I have been married less than four months and you are already pregnant.
“I don’t know why you act like it’s impossible. If your first wife was infertile, that’s your explanation. Didn’t you ever consult a doctor? Or did you think it was you who was infertile?
“We never went to a doctor to find out why we couldn’t conceive. Not that it’s any of your business. I won’t talk about my first marriage with you.
I knew why he never consulted with a doctor. Stupid Made Men pride. They’d rather live in ignorance than risk being told they’re shooting blanks. “Too bad.
We’re discussing it now. I know why you didn’t want to find out . You didn’t want to know the truth because you were afraid it would make you less of a man if it was your fault that your wife didn’t get pregnant. But now we know it was not your fault. It was Carla who was barren.” I winced inwardly at my own words. I did not want to speak ill of a dead woman.
Dante shook his head. “I told you I didn’t want to talk about Carla.”
“Why not? Why do you still love her? Why can’t you move on?” He stiffened. “I’m sorry you lost Carla, but I’m your wife now.” Suddenly everything I had bottled up seemed to come to the surface.
I could see that Dante was on the verge of losing control, and I wanted him to. I was so sick of his sophisticated calm, his cold logic. “I’m so sick of you treating me like a whore. You ignore me during the day and come to me at night for sex. And now you accuse me of cheating on you ? Sometimes I think you hurt me on purpose to keep me at arm’s length. When will you finally move on ? Your wife has been dead for four years, it’s time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that life goes on. When will you stop clinging to the memory of a dead woman and realize that there is someone in your life who wants to be with you?”
Dante stood before me without warning, his eyes flashing with fury and grief. “Don’t talk about her.”
I lifted my chin. “She’s dead and she’s not coming back, Dante.”
He clasped his hands along his sides. “Stop talking about her.”
There was a hint of warning in his voice.
“Or what?” I said, though the anger in Dante’s eyes sent a shiver of fear down my spine. “Are you going to hit me ? Go ahead. It can’t be worse than the knife you stuck in my back accusing me of carrying another man’s child. That was not exactly the truth. If she had raised her hand against me, this marriage would have ended once and for all. I knew that some women in our world accepted physical abuse, many had no choice but to do so, Bibiana was one of them, but I had sworn to myself that I would never bow down before such a man. Silly tears blurred my vision, but I fought them back. I would not cry in front of Dante.
“You are so busy honoring her memory and protecting the ‘image of her in your mind that you don’t realize how badly you are treating me. You lost your first wife through no fault of your own, but you will lose me because you cannot let her go.
Dante stared at me, completely frozen. The myriad of emotions in his eyes was impossible to read, and I was too tired to care. I walked past him and he did not try to stop me . He didn’t move at all. “I’m going to move to the guest room. There is not enough room in our bedroom for me and the memories of your past. If you ever decide to give this marriage a chance, then you can come to me and apologize for what you said. Until then, I am done with us.
I hurried up the stairs. Dante did not try to follow me.
Guest rooms were always prepared for guests. I slipped into the first one, happy when the door closed behind me. I slipped into bed. Perhaps today I had sealed the fate of my marriage , but I could not go back to the way things had been. I would prefer a clean break. Of course I could not divorce Dante and he would never let me, not that I wanted to, but we could lead completely separate lives even though we were married.
Many couples in our world did. We would resume our days as before, sleep in separate beds and play the married couple in public. We would have to raise our children together, but most men would still take a back seat in these matters.
Eventually Dante would start going to the Palermo Club or find a mistress like so many Made Men did, and I would focus all my energy on taking care of our children. Many women had it worse, yet the idea that I had just painted my future made me sick, but I could not pretend that Dante had not said those horrible things to me.
By now it was out of my control. Dante had to decide whether he wanted to live in the past or move forward with me into the future.