I awoke with a jolt at the bustle of noises seeping under the door. The light stung at my eyes, a faint throb still present in my head from the relentless wave of tears that tore through me last night. Sitting up, I noticed Noah staring at me from the corner of my eye. “Morning beautiful” his voice was gruff from sleep, mumbling a reply to him I threaded lightly to the bathroom.
The tiles were cold on my feet, reminding me I was in fact real and in this current predicament. Spitting out the last of the toothpaste remnants, I sucked a deep breath of air in as though it would give me courage.
Noah hadn’t moved from his spot, resting against the headboard his eyes glued to me, his gaze haunting. “I was thinking we could go back out to the swing today” he smiled, sinking back under the duvet covers. My stomach churned at how normal he sounded at the moment, it was as if he wasn’t the same person I had been dealing with last night.
As though my red puffy eyes completely went over his head, couldn’t he see I was hurting? Couldn’t he see that he was hurting me? “Okay” I mumbled, knowing I wouldn’t be able to change anything that Noah planned. I never could.
“I’ll go pick out a dress for you” he beamed excitedly rushing into the wardrobe, too mentally drained to even care. I sat at the edge of the bed and waited. “Sunflowers” he sprung in front of me, holding the dress covered in a sunflower fabric up to my eyeline.
“Thanks” I whispered, my face void of any positive emotions. Shutting myself into the wardrobe I slumped against the door. My eyes felt painfully dry, my throat did too, my heart felt hollow and I was terrified. I didn’t know where to go from here, even attempting to think into the future had my heart racing over time. I felt alone.
Slipping the dress on, I prayed this one wouldn’t end up covered in blood like the other. Exiting the wardrobe I had barely shut the door before I was slammed into the wall next to it. My heart drummed in my chest painfully, Noah had me pressed against the wall, once again using his arms to cage me in.
Sinking into the wall my eyes flitted all over his body trying to avoid his eyes. I used to think they were the most beautiful thing about him but now they just seemed like the scariest feature of his. “Look at me” he spit, his mouth hovering a mere couple centimeters from my face.
Hesitantly, I looked up, his eyes full of that unleashed rage that filled them so often lately. I couldn’t help the small whimpers that left me every so often at the situation. My eyes were becoming glossy as the tears lined up waiting for their escape.
“We’ve just woken up and you’re already sulking” he scolded, furiously shaking my head in defense I tried in vain to save myself. His fingers dug into my jaw halting my movements, his nails piercing my skin but I was frozen too scared of the consequences fighting against his hold would do.
“I let you have your little episode last night, but you’re ruining a perfectly good day” his dark aura was suffocating, my lungs restricting desperate to fill with air. “I-I’m sorry” I sniffled, it had become my go to response to him.
“I know you’re finished your period so you have no excuse for acting like a prissy little bitch anymore, my Embry would never act like this.” My gut physically retracted as the words hit me. His Embry. I had felt the drop in my heart and the tears on my cheeks. My brain had gone fuzzy, being able to focus on nothing but the pain those words had inflicted.
It was a cold sensation that had taken over my body like no other, not when I had jumped from that bathroom window, not when I had hung from the ceiling and for a reason I couldn’t figure out it seemed to hurt so much worse than the hot metal that was branded onto my skin.
Those words. They signified rejection, the one person I had spent the last forever relying on for approval was turning me down. My eyes were wide staring into his own eyes looking for any sense of falseness, but he spoke it with sincerity. He meant it.
Was this not what I wanted? For him to realise he was wrong about me and let me go. But there was such a daunting feeling that came with the prospect that the man I had based my self worth and existence around didn’t want me anymore.
It was that chain of thought after those words were uttered that had made me realise, I was no longer fighting for my survival against him but rather I was fighting against myself to survive.
I felt like a small child, “y-you’re disappointed in me?” My lower lip wobbles with each word, the stabbing ache not leaving my heart. My tears clung to me like a second pair of skin. Sighing he dropped the hand digging into the flesh of my jaw, using his fingers to lift my head to meet his gaze.
“I did forget how sensitive you can be” he murmured more to himself than to me. “P-please don’t be mad at me” I whimpered, I didn’t know what I was doing at this point I just knew I hated the uncomfortable feeling I got with the thought of somebody being annoyed or upset with me.
“Come here little bug, it’s alright, I’m not mad” he pulled me into his chest, my head laying against it as his arms encircled me tightly. “Maybe it’s best if we just relax in the house today, you aren’t feeling too good are you baby?” His arms rubbing circles on my back as he talked to me like a child. I wasn’t mad at this though, it was almost nice. Shaking my head I dug my face into his now tear stained shirt, the vulnerability pouring from every surface of my body was immobilising.
Throughout that day, we lay together watching movies. I seeked his approval in every little thing I did, whether I went to the toilet, or shifted in my seat, or laughed at a scene in the movie. His eyes gleamed at this, he noticed, I noticed but sometimes we let the war wage around us to keep the peace inside of ourselves.
We had to have been two or three movies into the day when Noah had stopped the movie to focus his full attention on me. His body sitting up in the bed, feeling the need to follow his actions we found ourselves facing each other, our bodies now completely turned. The anxiety bit away at my insides as he did so, my mind conjuring up all kinds of terrible possibilities. “Ems” he started, “I know it wasn’t exactly a traditional proposal but I want nothing more than for you to be my wife, I love you, I have always loved you and I will always love you.” My stomach sank at the memory of my impulsive words from the night before, “this ring was my mother’s engagement ring, and my father’s mother before her and now I want you to have it.” I gawked at the silver ring as he placed it on my ring finger, it weighed heavy on my finger as a reminder of everything I couldn’t escape.
“You know, the ring goes on this finger” he pinched the tip of my ring finger playfully, “because it’s believed that it has a vein that leads directly to the heart.” I twisted the ring around my finger, my mind in shock, it was like a slap in the face that I had indeed asked Noah to marry me.
“I was thinking we could have a winter wedding, maybe the 30th of November?” My eyes widened in surprise as I calculated it was only 11 days from today, “isn’t, isn’t it a bit soon?” The words had left my mouth before I could consider the consequences of them.
His face became hard as he scowled at me, “do you not want to get married to me Embry?”
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry, I just, doesn’t it take a while to organise a wedding?” My nerves tensed in anticipation of his reaction, I could only pray he wasn’t mad at me.
“You don’t have to worry about a thing, I’m going to organise the whole thing and make sure it’s perfect for you” his finger bopping my nose.
Knowing the date to come, the time had gone quickly. Noah had not got annoyed at me, just throwing the random threat here and there if I stepped out of line. My need for his approval seemed to grow even larger and it should have worried me but it didn’t.
He had spent more time with his father talking ‘business’ in his office, or whatever it was they did. All I knew is that I was never to go into that office, so I stayed with Evelyn and nodded along with every idea she conjured up for the wedding. Despite my situation she seemed over the moon to be organising it.
Noah had begun to get more touchy. Always needing some sort of body part resting on mine, he didn’t like me out of his sight for more than a couple minutes if he could help it. He was becoming more hostile to Sebastian, always accusing him of looking at me “with that look in his eyes”. I was sort of beginning to pity him, he was always on the receiving end of Noah’s tantrums for the smallest things, and no one ever said anything.
I mean, sure he could handle himself but it wasn’t a nice end to be on. It stirred up worry in me that I would take Sebastian’s place when he was no longer there to take the brute of Noah’s rich kid freak-outs.
I hadn’t heard anymore from Indigo, or even about Indigo beside Noah informing me she would not be at the wedding but we could visit her some time after. Sometimes when Noah was with his father and Evelyn wasn’t available, I’d just sit there and stare at the ring on my finger. It seemed to carry such a burden with it. But everything was well so I couldn’t complain.
Well almost everything.
Last night, we had a bit of a hiccup.
*Flashback, Wednesday 28th, 2 nights before the wedding*
“Come and I’ll dry your hair for you” patting the edge of the bed where he was sitting. Throwing the pajamas on my body, I sat cross legged on the floor in front of his feet. Running his fingers through my hair while using the hair dryer I tilted my head back at the blissful feeling of having my hair played with.
“The new products seem to be working really well for your curls” he admired. Previously in the week he had gotten me hair products specifically for curly hair as they had always been too out of my price range before, and I had to agree with him that they had never been this frizz-less or voluminous.
Reaching my hand to feel the soft curls already dried I replied, “thank you for getting them for me” my voice was soft, needing to show him I was sincere. Grabbing a hold of my hand while it was leaving my hair he flipped it over, causing me to inhale sharply at the dull pain. “Where’s your ring?” His tone was harsh, opening up that pit of dread in my stomach for the umpth time this week.
“I-, I don’t wear it in the shower because I’m scared it will fall off so I leave it on the counter” I murmured out, fearing he would snap at me for such a silly mistake. “Go put it on then” he ordered, his tone losing it’s harshness but still slightly strained with annoyance.
My lips tilted down in a frown, I had upset him. Scurrying back over to him I allowed him to inspect the ring on my finger as I stood between his legs. “Perfect” he brought my hand to his lips, dotting a kiss onto the ring.
Grabbing my thighs he hoisted me to sit on his lap as he remained on the end of the bed. Burying his face into my neck I stayed still as he deeply inhaled, “god, I’ve said it a million times but you smell magnificent.” Flustered, I turned my head from his view, not wanting him to see the gentle red that tinted my cheeks.
Holding eye contact with me his finger stroked my cheek, “my pretty little flower” he smiled, pecking my other cheek with his lips. “I’ve been meaning to say it to you actually, but my mother and I were talking and we assumed it would be best not to have Sebastian walk you down the aisle, so my father was going to, and I just wanted to check that was alright with you”, seeing the apprehension on my face he added with a note of warning, “but I know it will be because you’re my good little bug, right?”
Ignoring any internal protests I had, I nodded, letting my head fall to his shoulder. Stroking his hand up and down my back, he whispered small praise into my ear, “you’ve been so obedient the last week baby, I’m so proud of you.”
I tried to push away the fuzzy feeling that came with that praise. I wanted nothing more than to rebut the sensation but I was becoming mentally weak and it wasn’t within my abilities. “I’ll make sure to let James know, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled, he was always excited at the idea of giving Indigo away at her wedding but he screwed that up for himself” Noah nodded to himself, not directing the conversation at me, more speaking in my presence.
“It seems to be a big deal for fathers I guess-” the words were out in the open before he could stop himself. He had noticed his mistake and so had I.
That familiar lump formed in my throat as I thought about my own father. He wouldn’t be there at my wedding, nor would my mother. They won’t even realise I am getting married, they think my life was cut short. And in some terms it was but not by death.
My mouth ached as I tried to withhold my tears but there were too many to conceal. “My mom always had this thing about-about not marrying young, and I think it was because she herself got married young, imagine her face if she could see me now” my heart wrenched at the bittersweet memory of all her lectures.
The salty droplets drenching Noah’s shirt. “I miss my parents” I sobbed out clutching onto his shirt trying not to fall off his lap as violent sobs wracked through my bones. If my tears hadn’t blurred my vision maybe I would have seen the tick in his jaw at the mention of my parents.
Or how his eyes filled with annoyance at the anecdote of my mom. “Embry, calm down” he spoke through clenched teeth. It only sent me further into my frenzy of sorrow. My breaths become quick and shallow. “I don’t want to get married without them there” at this point what I was saying was less logic and more about whatever came to mind in my state of grief.
“Fine, you want them at the wedding?” Noah’s grip on my waist became bone crushing as I momentarily halted my tears at his words. “They can come then, but don’t expect them to be leaving alive” with one shove I was sent onto the floor.
An electric pain shooting from my legs to my spine. I wasn’t focused on that though, I was focused on the raw terror that coursed through me at his words. “N-Noah, wait” I sobbed, trying to consume air while also trying to make coherent sentences.
I grabbed onto the leg of his pants as he went to walk away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t m-mean it, I don’t, I don’t want them there” I pleaded but even I knew it sounded fake.
Kicking my grip off of him, he sent me tumbling back with the force of the recoil. Kneeling down beside me I cowered away as his breaths came out ragged with anger. Gripping the back of my neck he pulled me up to meet his face.
“You’re my wife, mine, you should eat, sleep and breathe me, there should not be a single thought in that tiny brain yours of anyone other than me” he hissed, throwing me back onto the ground.
I groaned at the reverberating pain in my spine. “Y-you’re right, I’m sorry, I’ll, I’ll do better” I wept, relief filling me as he turned back towards me.
“Let’s go to bed” he sighed, rubbing his temples as if I was the most stressful human to deal with. With much difficulty I made it to my feet ignoring the pulsing sting in my back and crawled into bed beside him.
“This is why you need me Embry, you have no idea how to act, but it’s okay, I’m here to teach you so you can become better” he whispered, brushing his lips against my forehead.
Lying, our limbs tangled, I went to sleep that night with his words echoing in my mind.
He was molding me into the exact person he wanted me to be.