“Will you marry me, Noah?”
Once the words hit the air it felt as though I regained a consciousness I didn’t previously have. It was the feeling of blacking out and watching yourself do something from the depths of your mind while you really have no control of it happening. It was the sensation of self sabotage.
There was no reply from him, no words were spoken between the time he dropped the hammer and stormed towards me. His aura said enough. His hand found its way into my hair as his lips crashed onto my own. I moved my lips against his, what was there for me to fight against anymore.
It wasn’t as though he had taken the last of my freedom, no I did that to myself. His hands trailed greedily over every inch of my body. I knew I didn’t like the feeling. It was rough, it wasn’t a touch of safety or comfort, it was one of the cold and loneliness. It was one of obsession.
I was simply a viewer to what was happening, I no longer felt control of my body, I was functioning on autopilot. The metallic taste of blood entered my mouth from his, it wasn’t a foreign taste to me but this time I knew it wasn’t my own, and that was enough to have me choking on my own bile.
Scrunching my eyes shut as he nipped the skin of my neck, I felt the urge to scream, cry, vomit and throw myself down a set of stairs. I felt and I felt and I felt. I just kept feeling but I didn’t know what and I despised it.
I felt angry, sad, relieved, hurt, trapped. I felt it all at the same time while also feeling nothing. I wanted to be the hero, but he had me on this one. I was always the victim. Slamming my lips back onto his I let myself feel nothing but his skin against mine. His hands, his tongue, his lips, his shoulders and chest.
“You’re so perfect Embry” he shakily breathed trying to catch his breath. “And now you’re mine, forever.” His words burned holes in my heart, I thought I would be okay with this. I thought these past two days I was falling back into love with him.
I ran with the idea of being loved and manifested it into whatever this situation was. But it didn’t feel the way I wanted it to, why wasn’t I more relieved that I had just saved two lives? Why did I no longer possess the sense of calmness I had previously? Why was I no longer numb to the situation?
Wave after wave of emotion crashed down on me, tossing me under its current, shoving my head beneath the tide. “Let’s get cleaned up” his proud grin refused to leave his face as he pulled me up the stairs. It took a lot for me to not ask what would happen to the two men but I had him in his little fantasy and I couldn’t ruin it now.
At some point we had entered the bathroom attached to our bedroom, and at another point after that had Noah turned on the bath water. But it wasn’t until this point now where he reached for the bottom of my dress did I snap back into my surroundings and out of my trance.
“W-what are you doing?” I whispered, my eyes darting around the room for a sense of threat, but the only one was him. “We’re going to take a bath, despite how much seeing you covered in blood turns me on, I assumed you would prefer to wash it off you” he held a knowing smirk as I bit back the urge to grimace at his words.
“Well I’ll wait then, you can go first” I nodded about to turn for the door. “Nu-uh little bug, together, that is what fiances do after all” his tug at my dress and wink set my skin on fire. Not in a good way, more in a I want to rip my skin off after seeing him look at me like that.
“We can go back down to the basement if you want?” he innocently smiled staring right into my soul.
This. Manipulative. Little. Shit.
“N-no of course not, I’m just- it’s just new to me is all” Forcing the best smile onto my face I willed away the tears of panic threatening to fall. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready for this. What did I just get myself into.
“It’ll just be a bath, I promise”, letting out an internal scoff at his words I pretended to flip him off as he turned to add bubble bath to the water. My cheeks flushed a dark red as I quickly averted my gaze from the man that was now stripping down in front of me.
“N-Noah, I’m really not comfortable with this” I spit out trying to stop the void of fear settling within my abdomen. He straightened up at my words, stalking towards me as I was backed into the door. His eyes hosting that dark colour they seemed to get whenever he was about to get violent. I yelped as his hands slammed onto the door, either side of my head.
Frick, Frick, Frick. I forgot how scary this man could be. I think I’m about to urinate myself. “I thought you were my good girl Embry, hmm?”
Swallowing harshly I couldn’t think past the blaring alarm-like sound going off in my brain. “I-I” no words would come out. I just stood there training my gaze on my feet to avoid his terrifying glare, trapped. I could feel my lip wobble as the tears splattered down my face. “Now, now, baby-girl, there is no need for the waterworks,” holding in a whimper I tried to ignore his breath that stung at my face, taunting me.
“Now, I am going to turn around to shut off the water and when I turn back around I want to see your clothes off, got it?” his voice was void of any friendliness, it was a harsh and unforgiving tone, that sent panic surging through every bone.
Running on pure fear, I fumbled to get the dress over my head as he turned away from me. Getting it caught on my arm far too many times to count, I used it as a shield of my body once I had freed myself from it. I was currently feeling the same emotions I had got when he broke into my room that first night, and boy had I not been missing that feeling.
He once again stood in front of me, “you’re such a good girl for me baby”. I shuddered as his lips made contact with my shoulder. Taking the dress from my balled hands he let it drop to the floor, my dignity hitting the ground with it. I stood like a statue, letting the tears drop as he reached around to unclip my bra, it too falling at our feet.
Picking a point on the wall I drilled my panic-filled gaze on it as he crouched down, hooking the band of my panties with his fingers. Jolting backwards at the kiss he pressed to my stomach. My cries were silent as he sat me down into the bath, climbing in behind me and placing me so I was sat between his legs.
I didn’t let myself focus on the other thing sitting between his legs because I knew I would have vomited into the bath water if I did. I was like a ragdoll for him to play with. His hand pulled me to lean back onto his chest as my head dropped against his shoulder.
I watched through teary eyes as the water swirled a crimson colour of the blood coming off our bodies. “You always smell so good,” he hummed, pressing his nose against my hair. Please god tell me he was not always this creepy. Oh my gosh. I’m colourblind, I have to be colourblind. I kept missing every red flag he throws at me and I refuse to believe it is not due to a difficulty of distinguishing different colours.
I had nothing to say to him as he went about washing my hair. I knew I couldn’t protest without the risk of getting my neck snapped, but I was finding it hard to keep panicking when the pads of his fingers were massaging the shampoo into my scalp. I let my body go limp, giving myself this moment. It was selfish and going against everything I was previously thinking but it felt good.
“Is that nice?” His voice was a whisper, trying not to disturb the zen state I had entered. Doing nothing more than a nod of approval I hoped this wouldn’t end. If it ended that would mean I couldn’t be sure of the next event to occur and the possibilities drove me mad.
A small pout overtook my face as he moved onto the conditioner, but once again I didn’t protest. Well, I didn’t protest about the hair washing. I wish I could say the same for what came after the hair washing.
“Sit up”, doing so I hugged my knees, no longer lying against him. I flinched at the coarse feeling of the sponge circling around the skin of my back, Noah using precision to make sure he didn’t miss any part of my back and shoulders. “Arms out”, like a dog I followed his commands wordlessly.
“Lean back again”, I was half way leaned back before my mind had pieced together where he was about to wash next. “I-its okay, I c-can wash my front” I stammered reaching to get the sponge from him. Snatching my wrist he pressed his thumb and fingers in towards the bone while pulling it in a backwards direction. Yelping, I tugged to free my wrist as the pain stunned me.
“I-Im sorry, yo-you can do it, I-Im sorry” I sobbed out, the salty taste of tears entering my mouth. “Good girl” he praised, throwing my wrist away from him, and running the sponge over the front of my body. I held my now red wrist in my hand, not being able to focus on anything other than the pain radiating from it.
I had zoned out while he washed my legs and feet. And I wasn’t really sure when he had even washed himself, all I knew was that I sat on the floor at his feet while he dried my hair, still holding my wrist as sobs racked through my body.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried this violently, my whole body shook with each tear I shed. Noah made the occasional comment, “shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you” or “you’re so brave baby girl”. I was never too focused on the words that came out of his mouth.
I was too busy trying not to drown within my weeping. Everything seemed to crash down on me as we lay in bed that night, Noah, me, my family, the two dead bodies in the basement, the other two battered ones, Indigo, Sebastian, Evelyn, James, I missed therapy, I missed my room. I missed my bed and my teddies, I missed the one weird pattern of plaster on the tile in my bathroom.
Occasionally I would blubber out words, none that I could remember. He just lay there, holding me in his arms, letting me cry. He wasn’t mad, he wasn’t annoyed, he was understanding. Why did he have to be understanding, why couldn’t he let me stay mad and scared of him. Why did he have to change personas so quickly, it gave me the head spins.
Eventually the after cry sleep hit me hard and I didn’t fight it away, not when it was such an easy escape for me.