During the entire time Mark had been telling the story of that amazing first morning that we had woken up together I had been horny as hell. I mean I had been pretty worked up after his recounting of the night I had first seduced him. Envisioning his fucking the shit out of me the next morning was just adding fuel to the fire. The fact that during the entire story he had not only continued to rub my feet, but those amazing hands had worked their way up my calves and were now massaging the soft skin behind my knees was helping that feeling along.
When Mark got to the end however that feeling of lust was replaced by one of those waves of sadness I was prone to. I had been only focused on the sex, but when Mark continued to the conversation I had with him afterwards the emotions of that day, and the days leading up to it came roaring back to me. I tried to stop them as I knew where it could lead. Despite the fantastic 24 hours I had spent with my brother, it was the funk of the last two weeks that won out.
The first time I had taken my brother was about more than just sex, much more. I was of course physically attracted to Mark, but it was the emotional bond that I was truly after. Up until that point I had never experienced that closeness and feeling of not only wanting but being wanted in return. The experiences I’d had with men-boys really at that time- were not even close to emotional, my first time at seventeen was ten minutes of awkward fumbling with a boy named Jesse that I had been seeing for a few months he was a nice kid, and despite my fears I told myself it would be okay, and let him take me to bed.
He tried to be good to me even cuddling with me when we were done, but I got up and told him I had to leave. That was a recurring theme for me over the next three years. I did get more a little comfortable, and had several lovers but as I had mentioned before couldn’t cut loose. I blamed them, then realized it was me. But what are you supposed to do if nothing feels right? It can’t be forced. I started seeing older guys in their twenties figuring that since they were more confident then I would be as well but that wasn’t the case either. Even though most of them had a place of their own I still didn’t like to spend the night.
Just before I turned twenty I met Greg who I saw for a few of months and was very good to me. Greg had also been through some bad shit as a kid, and I found myself telling him what happened to me. He was sympathetic and waited for me to be ready never pushing and after awhile I slept with him and even stayed the night. Things were okay until one night I woke up from a nightmare and was a mess. Greg tried to hold me but I was scared I told myself I should be okay with him but I wasn’t.
Greg took me home at 2am where I immediately went to my brother’s bed. Mark held me the same way Greg did but I felt better. I felt safe and protected, I also felt loved. I knew it wasn’t the same type of love I was looking for but it was love nonetheless from someone who knew exactly how I felt and was going through the same things himself. I continued to see Greg for a few more weeks but then the past reared its ugly head.
As I said Greg was understanding, even when it came to sex. I had no idea what Domming or control was back then, but Greg always let me decide when, how fast, what position and everything in between. He really was good about it. Even when I would feel that anxiety and told him I was sorry but I couldn’t, Greg would always smile and say that’s okay I was worth the wait. One day we were lying there in his bed, after what honestly had been some damn good sex, I felt completely relaxed and had thoroughly enjoyed him enjoying me.
Well as we continued to lie there he had been looking for a little more. I started teasing him a little, playing with him, getting him worked up then saying I had to go. At that point I got up from the bed as if to leave, in reality all I was going to do was go to the bathroom, and come back because I had been having one of the few great times I could remember. Not only was I looking forward to more but had planned an spending the night. As I went to walk away from the bed Greg asked where, I was going.
I had laughed and told him that I was leaving. Greg then reached out and grabbed me by the hips pulling me back into the bed with him. I’d had my back to him so wasn’t expecting it. Maybe if I had seen it coming, seen that he was smiling it would have been different. Well I didn’t. All I knew was that I was being pulled back. I had an instant image of trying to crawl across the bed as a young girl and my foster father Frank grabbing me just like that, yanking me back telling me to get that sweet little ass back over here.
I lost it. I started screaming and fighting. Greg made the mistake of trying to continue to hold me. I bit his arm so hard he would need stitches and continued to scratch and claw until he let me go. Greg left the room to give me space. I got dressed and sat there crying refusing to come out. Greg called my house and Mom came to get me. It was a bit awkward as mom obviously knew what I had been doing there, but if it had been Mark he would have hurt him. Greg came over the next day and apologized as did I. After that I saw him a couple of more times but it was over. He had felt he had done something wrong. I knew he hadn’t but once that feeling was there that was the end.
I felt terrible; Greg was a great guy, but he became the first of what was to be an ongoing list of the casualties of my dysfunction. That list had just received its latest victim Laura, who had been nothing short of perfect; professional, beautiful, sexy and she absolutely adored me. I managed to steer my thoughts away from Laura at least but couldn’t pull out of the past. After Greg I didn’t bother at all for awhile, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. In the meantime I was lonely, and it was that loneliness that turned me towards my brother.
Mark not only loved me, but practically worshipped me. I could do no wrong in his eyes and god help the person that he thought would hurt me. Where no one else could say boo to him without him losing it, I could say or do anything to Mark and he was fine with it. He loved and trusted his big sister knowing I would never hurt him. Hurt no, but maybe take advantage of? Yes. I knew Mark loved Krissy or at least as much as he was capable of, and eventually he would have slept with her without my help.
Truth was I was afraid of losing him. I wanted to cement the bond that we had, Keep him close make sure he would always be there with me. So I seduced him. Granted he was far from innocent I knew he wanted me, but he would have never gone after it, so I did. It was a risk; I was scared of being rejected by the one person who completely understood me. The one person who made me feel whole. I knew he felt the same for me as well but it was a matter of time before he found that with Krissy. I knew if I got there first however I would have him, Mark would always equate me with that feeling of love and safety, that closeness we so desperately wanted.
I knew there was no way Mark could turn me down that first night. He wanted me too badly and trusted that I wouldn’t take him down the wrong path. I also made sure I told him it was more than sex, that I needed him. That next morning really was the big deal for me, I had gone to sleep thinking either Mark would realize we were what we really needed or wake up thinking it was a mistake. I was thrilled he came after me, but do admit to playing a little dirty, telling him to forget it. I guess I was a natural born Mistress even then. Better yet was the way he held me afterwards.
I had meant what I said to him; we were the best of everything for each other. We became the outlet for our darkest sexual fantasies, but when all was said and done held each other like true loves. At that point I didn’t care about Krissy or the host of girls I knew he would have afterwards. I would also continue to try to find someone as well. I just needed to know that at the end of the day I would always be who he wanted and needed most. In turn I always felt that no matter what happened I would always have my little brother to hold me and make it okay. Twenty years later he still was just last night…
“Hey Sis you in there?”
I came out of my fog to see Mark looking at me apparently he had finished a couple of minutes ago.
“Um yeah sorry.” I said softly.
“That’s okay it’s good for me to be ignored by a beautiful woman once in awhile. Anyway as I was saying you were right that really was the beginning of…” He paused looking into my eyes which despite my efforts were filling up.
“You okay sis?”
I nodded and whispered;
“And you’ve been there for me ever since little brother, even right now.”
“Hey that’s what…”
He stopped as I abruptly swung my legs out of his lap and getting up came over to him. Marks chair was bigger than mine, and didn’t have arms. Feeling like a little girl I sat in his lap, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and put my head into his neck. Mark put his arms around my waist.
“Hey it’s okay Meg.”
“Thank you.” I cried into his neck. “For always being here for me, no matter how bad off I was you were here. Even when I made everyone else give up you never did.”
Mark slid his hand up to the back of my head and started stroking my hair. I kept going, once this started I couldn’t stop.
“You always protected me Mark, from everything.”
“Not everything.” He said softly
“You couldn’t save me from me Mark. You told me that the night that I finally got straight for good. So you really did that to.” I started crying harder. “Thank you!”
“Meg it’s okay. I’m sorry I got you going. I was just…”
“Oh Mark I miss Laura!”
I started sobbing loudly at this point. Mark was quiet, then said;
“Well maybe you can go back and work it out.”