“Elk, how are you?” Maya asked, tucking her hair behind her ears, feeling nervous.
How confident she had been when she said she would talk to him, and now it was all slipping away.
In front of Jackson, she had been composed, acting as if she would nail it, but now, truth be told, she felt too nervous to even open her mouth.
She was so anxious that her stomach grumbled, as if she might vomit at any moment.
The music was loud, but where they were sitting it was relatively quiet. The drink she had was too weak; this type of conversation should have happened after having some strong liquor in her system, that’s for sure.
“Don’t you see me every day? I am exactly what I look like. Where is this question even coming from, Maya?” Elk’s face contorted in confusion.
Maya’s breath hitched as she didn’t know how to reply. He sounded so cold, or maybe the temperature had dropped too low. Whatever it was, she didn’t like where this was going.
It’s true, she hadn’t spoken to him properly in weeks, and even when she left him 18 years ago, they never had a proper conversation. But she didn’t remember him being this distant and cold with her; it was quite new to her.
Her heart ached every time she saw him avoiding conversation or replying in such a curt tone. It was both scary and painful to witness.
Even though she had hurt him deeply, she couldn’t bear the pain of seeing her once-loving husband, who would have done anything for her, now turned into such a cold person.
“Are you going to drill holes in my skull? Or do you actually have something important to talk about? Because I’m very confused, and sitting like this isn’t comfortable.”
“Now you’re not even comfortable with me, Elk?” Maya’s voice was filled with hurt.
“That’s not what I meant, Maya.”
“What did you mean, then? Say it properly so I can understand what’s going on in your head. I’ve had enough of this silent treatment. If you’ve forgiven me, why are you behaving like this?” Maya gripped her glass tightly, her palms sweaty.
This wasn’t how she had wanted the conversation to go, but now that it had taken this turn, she wouldn’t back away or try to hide. She’d had enough of it.
It couldn’t go both ways he couldn’t claim to forgive her and then behave so coldly. Either he forgave her and tried to reconcile, or it was over. He couldn’t have it both ways.
Elk sighed deeply, his shoulders slumping as he leaned back in his chair. He ran a hand through his hair, a gesture Maya remembered all too well from their past.
“Maya, it’s not that simple,” he began, his voice softer but still guarded. “Forgiveness isn’t just a switch you can flip. Yes, I said I forgive you, and I meant it. But that doesn’t erase 18 years of hurt and confusion.”
Maya felt her throat tighten. “I understand that, Elk. I do. But I’m trying here. I’m really trying.”
“I know you are,” Elk replied, meeting her eyes for the first time that evening. “But you have to understand, every time I see you, every time we talk, it brings back memories. Good ones, yes, but also painful ones. It’s… complicated.”
Maya nodded slowly, her fingers tracing the rim of her glass. “I never meant to make things complicated for you, Elk. I just… I want to make things right. I want us to be able to talk, to be in each other’s lives again.”
Elk was quiet for a moment, contemplating her words. “Maya, we can’t go back to how things were before. Too much has happened, too much time has passed.”
“I’m not asking for that,” Maya interjected quickly. “I know we can’t erase the past. I just want… I want us to find a way forward. Can we do that, Elk? Can we at least try?”
Elk’s expression hardened.”It won’t be easy, Maya.”
“I know,” Maya said, a small, hopeful smile forming on her lips. “But I’m willing to put in the effort if you are. We can take it slow, one step at a time.”
Elk sighed heavily. “I can’t do this, Maya. You left me, not the other way around. I forgave you for my own healing, not for you. Why is it always about how you suffered or how you’re trying? Why is it always about you? What about me? What about my pain? Did you even consider how I spent these 18 years without you? I was dead inside every day. I didn’t even have the kids with me like you did. You took Levi and Rish as if they weren’t my children too. And now you’re suddenly acting like things can be fine? I didn’t even get to see my kids grow up, and now they’re all grown.”
“But..” Maya tried to speak but got cut off.
His voice trembled with emotion, a mix of anger and deep-seated hurt. “You can’t just waltz back into my life and expect everything to be okay. You missed so much, and so did I. Those years… they’re gone, Maya. Gone forever.”
Maya felt the weight of Elk’s words like a physical blow. She hadn’t expected this outburst, but she knew she deserved it. Tears welled up in her eyes as the full impact of her actions hit her anew.
“Elk, I…” she began, her voice barely above a whisper. “You’re right. I’ve been selfish, thinking only of my own pain, my own attempts to make things right. I never truly considered the depth of your suffering.”
“Your words won’t change anything.”
She took a shaky breath, forcing herself to meet his gaze. “I can’t change the past. I can’t give you back those years with Levi and Rish. And I know saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. But I am sorry, Elk. More than you can ever know.”
Elk’s jaw clenched, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Sorry doesn’t bring back 18 years, Maya. It doesn’t erase the nights I lay awake wondering if my children even remembered me. It doesn’t undo the birthdays, the holidays, the everyday moments I missed and it won’t change the pain I felt after you left me.”
Maya nodded, feeling the crushing weight of guilt. “I know. I know it doesn’t. What I did was unforgivable. I took our children from you, and I can never make that right.”
“True, so just let it be.”