“Okay… Seriously, what’s on your mind?” Hannah asked with an amused smile and I shook my head to clear it. I completely missed what she just said.
“Sorry?”
“I just asked you if you wanted to go for a swim in the duck pond.” She gestured at the small body of water in front of the park bench we were sitting on, full of quacking ducks and ducklings. “And you were all like, ‘yeah, sure, babe.'” She raised her pitch slightly to imitate my voice (she was so cute, it hurt). “So, your mind is obviously elsewhere.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Ellie…”
“It’s awkward.”
“So? Tell me anyway.” She shrugged a shoulder. “I wanna know.”
“I was just curious-when did you know you liked-liked me?” I internally rolled my eyes at the playground terminology I was using. I didn’t want to use a different L-word though, I knew it was still a sore topic.
“You’re right, that is awkward, let’s pretend you didn’t bring that up.” She visibly blushed as she looked toward the ducks again. “I’m going to call that one, the littlest one, Stanley…” She trailed off.
“Babe…” I gripped her hand and rested it on my thigh. I heard her release a heavy sigh.
“I always ‘liked-liked’ you, Ellie,” she admitted softly. “Way before we started hooking up, I knew I was interested in you, in a more-than-friends kind of way.” She side-eyed me. “But you knew that, too, didn’t you?”
“I-” I hesitated, pressing my lips together before releasing a sigh of my own. “Yeah, I did. I figured it was just a harmless crush though.”
“Yeah, harmless…” A far-away look took over her face and I groaned internally because of my misstep. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it. I asked her to look at me and she quietly complied.
“I was only asking because I wanted to tell you, in no unclear terms, that I really, really like you, Hannah. And I’m very glad we’ve been spending so much time together.”
There was no room for uncertainty from my end. This time around, if I felt like it was important to say certain sentences aloud, I wouldn’t allow them to remain unspoken. My ‘silence to keep the peace’ had already backfired once… Allusions were great and all, but there were too many perilous, risky, vague gray areas the last time I’d assumed Hannah and I were in the same boat.
I made it my mission to make sure that she didn’t need to read between the lines when it came to me anymore.
. . .
I was walking with Hannah back to her apartment building. We just finished having dinner in a quaint little restaurant nearby. Since I didn’t have my car with me, I was planning to book a ride for myself once I made sure she was home safe. Thankfully, as time passed, the conversations during our frequent dates were flowing more and more easily.
Every now and then, she still expressed dubiousness and hesitation, but I mostly took it in stride, patiently reassuring her each time with both my words and actions. I also dealt with her passive-aggressive comments as best as I could. She was still clearly holding herself back, but I didn’t let it bother me. I just reminded myself I should’ve been ecstatic, delighted, over the moon that she was even giving us a chance.
“So… Next Saturday, I have this work seminar thing and it’s in that new, fancy hotel that just opened downtown. It ends pretty early, probably no later than four in the afternoon.” I glanced at her. “All the attendees from my company are being given complimentary rooms for the night and I was wondering if you wanted to stay over, too.” Before she could object, I babbled on. “No funny business, I promise. I just figured it’d be fun, we could go swimming in an actual pool-not a pond. Check out one of the buffet places or something. And all my colleagues usually bring their spouses to these things, or you know, girlfriends or boyfriends. Whatever.”
I was clearly rambling, but I really wanted her to say yes.
“I’m not your girlfriend.”
“Not yet,” I replied confidently. I refused to let her hand go even when she tried to pull away. “Okay, okay, maybe nothing is official… But we’re dating at least.”
“We’re not dating,” Hannah told me with a slight shake of her head. “We’ve gone on dates, but we’re not dating.” The way she said ‘dates’ made it evident that she still wasn’t completely sold on the idea that I was in this with her for real.
“Babe…” I stopped walking and forced her to look at me. Despite agreeing to go along with what I wanted for the most part, she was still so closed off in many ways. Her walls were very much still up. I looked into her brown eyes. I wanted to kick myself whenever I saw the insecurity that still swirled in them. “We’re trying, right?”
“I-” She opened and closed her mouth but said nothing more. Her look of uncertainty kickstarted my heart. The thought of her changing her mind about us sent a torrent of dread through my bloodstream. I commanded myself to reel it in, to keep it light, easygoing, breezy.
Even if I would’ve taken back all the pain I caused her in a split second, I sadly couldn’t do that. All I could do was show her through my actions just how sorry I was for everything that went down, again and again. I needed to prove to her that I really wanted to be with her. That my decision wasn’t a fleeting one.
“We’re dating,” I countered playfully. The change in my tone was drastic, conspicuous. I was moving us away from the solemn path our conversation was on. “Say what you want, but technically, we go on dates, ergo, we’re dating.” I grinned at her. “That’s like a present participle or whatever, right?”
She rolled her eyes but finally smiled again. I asked her about work and I could tell she was appreciative of the subject change. Before I was ready, we were outside her building and it was time for me to go. Parting ways with her never seemed to get any easier.
Under the moonlight and street lamps, she was a vision. I blinked in awe. I couldn’t believe I was almost dumb enough to let her slip through my fingers. Not being able to kiss her made me realize how badly I took it for granted when she did let me kiss her, when she wanted me to kiss her. I was the luckiest person in the world and I didn’t even know it. Tragic.
My hands were longing to grab her face. My lips were yearning to be reunited with hers. My urge to kiss her was extreme, burning. But I needed to keep my promise to her about taking things slow, so despite my body’s fervent pleas, I managed to behave myself.
“I had a great time tonight. Thank you.”
“You’re super welcome, baby,” I responded immediately. “I can’t wait for our next date. I love spending time with you.” I constantly reminded her how much I enjoyed her company. Hindsight was 20/20, I wasn’t going to take anything about her for granted anymore. She needed to know how grateful I was to her for not walking away from me.
I couldn’t read the look on her face, but I knew she wanted to talk about something else. So, I waited, giving her time to find her words. Unlike me, she was cautious when it came to the words she spoke into the world. Jokes came easy to her and all, but she classified ‘serious conversations’ as an allergen. More often than not, she chose to bottle things up inside, which was why she’d managed to keep her feelings for me hidden until the floodgates broke.
Dating her was like doing a crossword puzzle… She usually only gave clues to what was on her mind. It was hard work, but it was worth it. However much of herself she wanted to give me, I would’ve gladly accepted. Whatever pace she wanted to set for us, I would’ve loyally followed.
“About next Saturday…” When she finally spoke, I held my breath. “Okay, we can have a ‘sleepover.'” I raised my eyebrow at the term. “But I’m not your girlfriend.”
“You’re not my girlfriend.” I nodded in fake acquiescence. “Yet.”
She sent another eye-roll my way. “Can I-” She darted her gaze away and looked down.
“Hey.” I reached for her fingers. “What do you need, babe? Just tell me.” Her eyes locked with mine and again, I wished I could make time stop.
When we first met, she used to look into my eyes all the time, but she began stopping herself for some reason. So, I wanted to be able to pause time and get my fill whenever she did allow herself to really look at me. My blue eye color may have been rarer than her brown, but there was something in her eyes that warmed up my insides. It was a special kind of warmth that I constantly craved.
“Can I have a hug?”
No time was wasted before I gladly met her request. I was keeping my hands off her because she wanted to take things slow. But honestly, she could’ve fondled any part of me anytime, anywhere (even in public if she wanted). I’d told her as much, but so far, she’d been controlling herself, too.
“You didn’t have to ask,” I whispered into her hair. I inhaled the smell of her fruity shampoo and it brought back delicious memories. I held her as close as I could. She hugged me back and I felt more whole. Her body fit perfectly against mine. “Anything you need from me, it’s already yours.”
Right then and there, I promised her the world. But I knew she needed more than just promises. I needed to prove to her that I not only chose her, but I was going to continue choosing her, every day.
. . .
During the seminar, I may have physically been sitting in that function room, but I was already mentally with Hannah. I was so excited to see her. I was like a little kid at school waiting for the final bell. Seriously though, if I was quizzed on any of the speakers’ lectures, I would’ve failed, no question. I was glad to see that my colleagues were taking notes. Luckily for me, our team shared all of our files with one another because we believed in working as a unit (all for one and one for all).
I couldn’t wait to finally be able to get close to Hannah again, away from anyone else. I cherished every single date we went on, but I just wanted to be alone with her. Although I knew we weren’t going to have sex, I was at least going to have her all to myself for a whole night. No waitstaff, no cashiers, no other pedestrians. Just her and me. The last time this had happened, we were standing in her old apartment, months ago.
But as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on me, the one-bedroom hotel suite we were given had twin single beds. I knew it was a free stay in a five-star hotel and I really had no right to complain, but I still marched all the way down to the front desk. In spite of my insistence that I needed a room with just one bed, I was informed it was a no-go since they were fully booked. They did have a honeymoon suite available, but I figured Hannah would’ve disapproved if I paid for that upgrade (it sure was tempting though).
When I got back to the bedroom, Hannah couldn’t help but laugh at the big fuss I was making. And as I looked around the palatial, luxurious, modern space, it was clear I was hyper-focused on something that shouldn’t have been a big deal… But it was a big deal to me.
The memory of the last time we were in bed together wasn’t a good one. It hurt to remember her crying her eyes out, trying to pull herself away from me on my own bed. So, I wanted the weekend to be filled with better memories, happier ones. I couldn’t erase the past, how close I came to ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. But I could at least do good things to help dilute the bad memories.