I was the one who’d extinguished the light in her eyes.
“You don’t really believe that ’cause if you did, you wouldn’t be here with me right now,” I reasoned.
“I’m here with you because…” She shook her head and took a deep breath. “I’m here with you, Ellie, because I don’t know how to say no to you.” She laced her fingers with mine. “The way I feel whenever I’m around you-I can’t resist it. So, even if I know this is all going to end badly, I’m going to play along because I’m weak.”
“Hann, please don’t talk about yourself like that.” I wished she could’ve just seen into my soul, so she would know that I wasn’t lying to her. “And how come you sound so sure things will end? As long as you want me around, I’m not going anywhere.” She was still eying me skeptically and I couldn’t help but feel frustrated. “Can we please just give this a real shot? I know you’re not gonna believe me, but I really want you to be my girlfriend.” I blushed-a blush that deepened when I heard her laughing. “What?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry.” She chuckled dryly one more time before flashing me a sad smile. “It’s just crazy how cruel life can be.” She downed the rest of her wine.
I tightened my grip on her hand, begging her with my eyes to trust me. “I know I have a long way to go to make up for how I treated you, but as long as you let me, I promise I’m not going to stop trying to make everything right.” I brought our clasped hands to my mouth and planted kisses on her knuckles. “You just need to trust me.”
She nodded her head in cautious acceptance and it got easier to breathe.
. . .
I tapped on Hannah’s name on my phone to call her. It rang a few times before she answered. “Hey.”
“Hi, babe,” I greeted her. I’d really tried to stop myself from calling her ‘babe’ since we technically ‘just started dating,’ but it kept slipping out, so I gave up. She didn’t ask me to stop anyway. “Wanna go out for dinner tonight? My friends keep raving about this new Italian place and I was wondering if you wanted to check it out.”
There was a pause. “I have work stuff due on Monday, so I can’t go out-out tonight.” I recognized my own words immediately. “Invite another friend or something.”
“Hannah…” I pinched the bridge of my nose. She was being a bit petty, sulky, bratty, but I reminded myself that she was still hurting. “Don’t do that please,” I requested, keeping my voice calm.
“Do what?”
“You know what.” I exhaled deeply. “I’m sorry for how I treated you,” I apologized again. Each time I told her I was sorry, I hoped she could feel that I meant it with my whole heart.
“I know. Sorry, too… I’m being a dick.” She sighed. “I just- I still- I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” I let out a chuckle, hoping to defuse the situation. “Let’s just go have dinner. I want to see you.”
“I want to see you, too.” Her admission made me smile, big and bright. “But I can’t. I really have stuff I need to work on today. I mean it though, you should go with friends tonight, have fun. My dumb boss is already ruining my weekend, you should enjoy yours.”
“Don’t worry, babe. We’ll go another time, no problem,” I replied reassuringly. “But just to be clear, this call wasn’t me asking one of my friends to have dinner with me. This was me asking you out on a date, okay? A date we’ll go on when you’re free.”
“Okay.” She let out a soft giggle and I bit my lip. The sound made it so difficult for me to end the call.
. . .
When Hannah and I had first met, I thought that everything about our friendship was naturally effortless… I was wrong. During those days, it was only easy for us to get to know each other and spend time together because we both wanted to do those things. She wanted to be around me as much as I wanted to be around her.
But now… Each time we met, each date we went on, she was guarded, careful, wary. The new way she carried herself around me was so foreign and quite frankly, it sucked. We knew each other so, so intimately, but she was determined to keep me at arm’s length.
Even if it made me the biggest hypocrite ever, I was desperate for her to let me in the way that she used to. I wanted to tear down all of the new walls she had around her, the walls she’d so clearly created to shield herself from me. But although I found it devastating each time she shut me out or pulled away, I steeled myself. I needed to patiently wait until she was ready to come around. I was the one who’d caused her pain, I couldn’t be the one to dictate when she was supposed to be over that pain.
Since she was struggling to open up to me, I did the only thing I could do. I opened myself up to her-completely and without restraint. I said things to her I never imagined I’d ever say outside the safety of my own head. I also brought up things I’d kept under lock and key for so long… Memories I would’ve never revisited for anyone other than her.
Some of the stories I shared were chapters of my life I hadn’t thought about in over a decade. They were so unfamiliar to me, it was as if I was hearing them for the first time even if I was the one narrating the events. There were sad tales, but there were happy ones, too. I outlined for her the entire ‘history of me,’ I gave her so much more access to who I was than I’d ever given anyone. I even told her how when I used to feel scared at night, I’d close my eyes tight and pretend I was an astronaut. Tucked under my blanket with pillows surrounding me, I imagined I was piloting a rocket ship headed to the stars, away from everything in my life that made it hard for me to find sleep.
Each piece of me I gifted her was meant to be another promise that things were, in fact, different the second time around.
. . .
My thumbs tapped away on my phone’s screen. I already had two whole paragraphs typed out before I erased everything. I’d always second-guessed my text messages to Hannah, but the level of overthinking that went into texting her after we started dating was overkill.
Every message I sent her had like five discarded drafts. I was constantly trying to find a balance between the clinginess of a baby koala and the stoic professionalism of a work email. So, basically, the range was from ‘I really, really miss you, babe’ to ‘To whom it may concern… All the best’-I always leaned toward being a baby koala though.
Me: Hi.
I placed a red heart at the end. After twenty minutes of furious typing, all I came up with was ‘Hi.’ What a literary genius.
Hannah: Hey.
Me: I was wondering if you wanna come over? We could binge watch something or whatever.
We already had plans to see each other the next day. But it was a Friday. So, if I was just going to think about being with Hannah the whole night, might as well just be with her already. If she agreed, it would be the first time we spent any time alone together since our new normal began.
Hannah: Can’t.
She replied with a sad face, which my own expression immediately resembled.
Hannah: Hanging out with friends… I’ll see you tomorrow though.
Cue my fingers typing and deleting a series of questions that asked: who she was with, what she was doing, where she was, when she’d be home, why she didn’t mention anything. The surge of possessiveness was shattering. Before her, never in my life had I ever felt that blistering need to stake my claim over another person. Jealousy was never something I had to really tackle and apparently, it was something that made me feel sick all over. Green was not my color.
For someone who’d always harped on about ‘no-strings-attached’ to everyone I’d ever been remotely interested in, it was insane that I wanted to be completely tethered to Hannah. Once the initial onslaught of emotions subsided though, I thought about who she was and how she’d never act out any of the things that I saw in the darkest places of my mind. I trusted her.
Me: Oh okay, no worries! Have fun, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow.
I kept my reply relaxed. I hoped that calling her ‘baby’ was enough to serve as a light but clear reminder that we were seeing each other. I was irrational, delusional, insane when I’d mistakenly thought I would’ve been okay with Hannah ending up with someone else.