After using tissues to wipe my eyes and blow my nose, I cleared my throat. “We’re still friends though and I know that should be enough. But it’s not… Like I had a dream about her and I woke up so sad,” I continued with my narration. “In the video, Dad says something about dreams mimicking reality. And I always thought that quote of his meant I need to do everything to make my dreams come true, but I think I got it mixed up.”
“Cassidy, believe me, I will always love your dad, he was a great man… His facility for language, however, left a lot to be desired and that ‘quote of his’ you’re bringing up came from me.” She let out a small chuckle. “It was part of the wedding vows I wrote.”
The revelation caused my eyes to get bigger. I had no idea. “Really?”
“You’ve always been such a daddy’s girl. I’ve been telling you that same thing for years now. I know you think I’m unsupportive, but it’s not because I don’t believe in you,” she explained. “It’s because after losing your father, I learned firsthand how short life can be… We both did,” she stated. “I don’t want you to keep working yourself to the bone if it means just letting life pass you by. At the end of the day, I want you to be happy… And in all these years, you’ve never sounded happy.”
In seconds, a deluge of memories came rushing back. Starting from the moment my mom had tearfully told me that my dad was gone, up to this phone call right now… Fragment after fragment after fragment from the past fifteen years flashed before me at the speed of light. Due to my mom’s words, I was having yet another epiphanic moment.
“I- I don’t-” From my new place’s lone window, I saw a bright bolt of lightning flash in the sky. I heard a loud roar of thunder crack through the air. Torrents of rain poured down from up above. “It’s raining.”
“It is? Well, it’s not raining here… But you’re home safe, aren’t you?”
“Yup, I’m safe.” I knew I needed to appease her parental paranoia. She was at least half-right anyway… My clear-eyed gaze remained fixated on the stormy scene outside. “Mom, I gotta go. I’ll call you later tonight.”
“Wait-”
“This conversation was incredibly eye-opening and I’m so grateful.”
“What’s going on? You’re worrying me. If you’re in crisis, I don’t want you to be alone… Do you need me to fly there? Because I’ll be on the four a. m. flight tomorrow in case you-”
“I appreciate that, but no need,” I interrupted her. “Everything’s fine and I’m okay. I’m thinking rationally. I promise I’ll call you later, okay?”
“I’ll be waiting. Please don’t forget or else I won’t be able to sleep.” The palpable worry in her voice made her maternal anxiousness evident. “I love you, Cassidy.”
“I love you, too. I know I don’t say that enough anymore, but I really do.” Our long, long phone call ended and I rushed to my wardrobe. After a quick change of clothes, I walked out of my building with no umbrella.
The torrential rain hit my skin. Which proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the stormy sky wasn’t CGI. As far as I was aware, graphics couldn’t wet a person… A roar of thunder rumbled through the air and I grinned upwards. I wore the hood of my pastel blue and pink tie-dyed Scopescape hoodie, and walked leisurely. I wasn’t much of a runner and my old apartment building wasn’t very near, but I didn’t mind getting absolutely soaked.
. . .
I slipped my key into Apartment 202’s lock. I planned to keep it as a memento for the rest of my life, but at present, it still fulfilled its practical purpose… It was still my very own ‘Drink-Me Potion,’ my very own ticket to the ‘Second Star to the Right.’ I opened the door then saw Gray sitting on the now-bare living room floor. She was in the middle of shutting a cardboard box.
After seeing me, she stopped what she was doing and rushed over. I resembled a drowned rat, so her alarmed expression made sense. “Cass, what happened to you? Why were you in the rain? Did you run here?”
“Nope.” I shook my head, grinning. A puddle of rainwater was forming below me and I was freezing, but I was really, really happy to see her.
“Why are you so wet then? You’re drenched.”
“I didn’t run, I walked,” I informed her. “I walked in the rain… ‘Cause running in the rain is for movie screens, Gray, and this-” With my hand, I motioned between my dripping self and her dry self. “Isn’t a movie.”
“Huh?”
“We’re not in a movie.”
“Mm, yeah, okay, we’re not.” She looked uneasy and mystified. She was likely wondering if I’d lost my mind… But no, if anything, I’d located my heart. “You’re gonna get sick. One sec, I’ll get you some dry clothes and-”
“Listen to me first, please?” As her back turned to me, I grabbed her hand. I interlocked our fingers. I refused to let go. Feeling sparks and tingles, I pulled her close. “This isn’t a movie.”
“Yup, you already said that.”
“Yet, it’s everything I want-you’re everything I want… It might not be my dream movie, but it’s my dream life.” I was sharing with her my recent realizations. “And I know I told you that being friends with you is enough for me.” I steadied my voice. “But it’s not.”
“Cass, we already talked about this…”
“I know, but I’m going back on what I said at the park,” I clarified. “I’m just not yet ready to settle for replaying our past someday… Like I’ve already spent so much of my life doing that BS and I’m sick of it. So, yeah, I’m reneging on my words because I’m still trying to rewrite the present.”
“What do you mean?”
“Here goes… I’m honored and humbled that you see me as one of your best friends, but I wanna be so much more than that,” I confessed. “I wanna be the girl you can’t stop talking about with your friends, the girl all over your social media, the girl you introduce to your family as your girlfriend one day.” I listed my ambitions for the future. “Because Gray, thinking about someone else getting that role leaves me so, so gutted. And I know you’re scared of what the future holds if you give us a chance, but I’m gonna ask for one anyway… ‘Cause when it comes to you, I want to be greedy, too. I want all of you.”
“Cass-”
I wasn’t done pleading my case. “I can live apart from you,” I interjected. “I know I can… But I refuse to do that unless there’s no other choice. Like I’ve only been away from you and Apartment 202 for one night, and I already feel absolutely miserable.”
“Wait.” Her eyes got glassier. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?” Her petrified expression tugged on my heartstrings. Even if I’d yet to see her cry, I’d much sooner walk into traffic than make her shed tears. “Is this like a Scylla and Charybdis thing? Love you or lose you?”
“No, that’s crazy talk. Do you really think I’d be dry-eyed right now if there was even a slight possibility that this was the last time we’d be together? I’d never cut you off,” I assured her. “I just came here to tell you all of this ’cause if I didn’t, then I’ll always wonder if I could’ve done more…” I elaborated. “Because people regret saying words that should’ve remained unsaid, but by the same token, people also regret the words they should’ve said but never did.” Hopefully, I was making sense and she didn’t think I was speaking gibberish. “But no matter what, you won’t lose me. Together until we’re old and both gray, right?”
“Right.” Her lips curved up into a tiny smile. “Hold on. If this wasn’t urgent, why couldn’t you wait for the rain to stop?”
“I’m obsessed with movies, of course I have a flair for dramatics… If I showed up dry, it wouldn’t have had the same visual effect, would it?” I asked, chuckling. “So, yeah, here I am totally soaked, on this late stormy afternoon, telling you things we both know I could’ve said in a voicemail.”
“Fair enough.” After she chuckled, her face took on a more somber expression. “I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not tempted. But you’ve never been with another woman,” she pointed out. “I know this world is new to you, but our tale is as old as time… ‘Straight’ girl realizes she’s actually into her lesbian best friend? That’s like the most basic sapphic fairytale ever and sadly, oftentimes that plot line doesn’t end well,” she informed me. “I’m not saying your bisexuality is a phase, but in case you change your mind about us… I don’t want to go through what I went through before. Especially not with you. I- I just-” Yet again, she sounded nothing like her usual self. “Shit, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. Sorry.”
Up to now, I didn’t know the full story behind her most traumatic breakup or even the identity of her ex-girlfriend (from hell)… Like before our emotional conversation in ‘Stanley’s Park,’ I’d believed there was nothing about her anymore that I didn’t know. But I guessed everyone had people from their past they’d rather never mention again. Bluntly put though, I didn’t care about who her ‘Voldemort ex’ was. Because all that mattered to me was mending the wounds that ‘She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’ had left behind years ago.
My eyes flickered to the pale rainbow illustration on her tank top. “The first time you mentioned a moonbow to me, I was sure you were messing around ’cause I never heard of it before and you told me: ‘it’s rare, but it’s real,'” I reminded her. “Fine, our tale is one that’s as old as time, but just ’cause other couples or even your past self couldn’t make it work, that doesn’t mean you and I can’t. We can be rare, too… If seeing is believing, then at least give me a chance to show you what we can be.”
“Don’t get mad at me for ruining the moment… But what if I was wearing something else? What would you have said then?”
“Hm, depends…” I rolled my eyes, but honestly, I adored the Gray-brand comic relief. Personally, I could never consider her humor as a ‘moment-ruiner’ (even when it was ill-timed). We were perfect for each other, I just needed to make her see it, too. “Like if it was Nike, I’d tell you to ‘just do it’ and if it was Adidas, I’d just be all like, ‘impossible is nothing,'” I said without missing a beat and she laughed. “Please, please don’t leave me hanging.”