CLIO
I didn’t remember how the hell I got to my parents’ house. I was pretty sure driving with tears in my eyes the whole time was dangerous, but I managed to make it back without any incident.
My parents were surprised to see me. For one thing, it was late, and for another, I probably looked like quite a sight with my puffy eyes and thousand-yard stare. I’d lost the two people who meant the most to me in one fell swoop. At some point, numbness set in, and I’d never been more grateful for that in my entire life.
I would have loved to just go back to school, but I didn’t really have anywhere I could go there. Lila and I had left our dorm room, and we’d planned on sharing an apartment just off campus, but I was guessing that plan was shot to hell now. So, that’s how I ended up holed in my childhood bedroom for the last couple of weeks of summer break, trying desperately to come up with a plan for new lodging and figuring what the hell it was I was doing with my life.
My parents kept giving me worried looks, and I couldn’t blame them, but I also wasn’t open to their pushing either. Despite how everything had turned out, that didn’t change the fact that I was not the same Clio who started out the summer. Somewhere along the way,
I’d finally accepted the fact that I was someone of worth, even if I had made a mistake. I was not the same woman Michael had cheated on, and I was not the same woman who so many thought okay to mock or judge. I had loved and been loved, and the truth of the matter was that even though I absolutely hated the way I hurt Lila, I couldn’t regret one moment I had with Aidan.
Maybe my surf instructor Toni had gotten through to me when she’d encouraged me to be in the moment-no matter how much it hurt. I was definitely hurting, and my guilt for what I’d done to Lila knew no bounds,
but I still felt more in control of myself for the first time in my life. I owned everything I’d done and everything that happened to me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
During my two weeks back home, I reached out to Sydney and asked her if she’d heard of any decent places to rent. She informed me that she had the perfect place: with her. It seemed that she and a friend had gone in on a renting a small house just off campus together, but the friend decided to move in with her boyfriend, leaving Sydney scrambling to find someone to help with the other half of the rent.
I happily left home, though I was a little reticent about being back at school. It felt weird being there without Lila. Plus, there was the added memory of Aidan. I hadn’t talked to Aidan since I’d left, doing my best to make a clean break, but he wasn’t making it so easy.
I’d received texts and phone calls begging me to talk to him. Then, flowers had arrived on my parents’ doorstep on more than one occasion. My mom was intensely interested in who this “Aidan boy” was. Silently, I’d been amused by that, wondering what on earth I would have told my parents if I had decided to bring home a man who was only a few years younger than they were. I just shrugged it off by telling her he was just a friend and changing the subject.
By the time Sydney had agreed to being roommates, I had been ecstatic to not have to answer any more questions about Aidan or how Lila was doing. It was bad enough that he was on my mind constantly, I really didn’t need my mother grilling me about his existence.
So, I spent the rest of the summer picking up odd tutoring gigs and filling in the financial spaces by helping out at the Chinese restaurant that Sydney worked at. I liked living with Sydney since she was sweet and only a little crazy, but I missed Lila…and Aidan.
At least at my new place, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting flowers and sweet notes from Aidan…even though I kind of missed that, too.
The feelings fighting within me were complicated, but I was doing my best to throw all my attention into my work. It was the nights that were the hardest, but I found that Sydney was a night owl and a great listener.
Normally I wasn’t one to share such personal details with anyone, but she always had been easy to talk to. I realized how bad it must have all sounded to her, especially since she was friends with Lila, too. So, her response to the events of my summer surprised me. “Clio, I think you should talk to Aidan.”
“What? There’s no way I can do that-not after the way I hurt Lila,” I argued.
“Look, I get that, and I get why Lila is upset, but, Clio, you can’t help who you fall in love with. It’s not like either one of you set out to hurt anybody. I know that you are not a malicious person, and I seriously doubt Lila’s dad is either.”
“He isn’t. It just got out of control,” I agreed.
“See, that’s the other thing. You’re one of the most in control people I know, so the fact that you did lose control over him tells me that what you were feeling was huge. You wouldn’t risk your friendship with Lila if it wasn’t something incredibly special,” she reasoned.
She made a point, but that didn’t change the misery I felt at missing the two people who had come to mean the most to me.
“Lila will realize that, too, eventually, Clio,” she assured me.
I shook my head sadly. “You didn’t see the look of betrayal on her face. I know she’ll forgive Aidan eventually. They are family, after all. But she doesn’t have any reason to bother with a friend who went behind her back like that, and I really can’t blame her.”
Sydney didn’t agree, and sweet Sydney was always perpetually optimistic. I wished I could look at the world like that, but I just wasn’t built that way.
Aidan’s influence on me did have other effects aside from the breakdown of mine and Lila’s friendship. While I felt like shit for what happened, there was no shaking the confidence that came from being loved by a man as good as Aidan. I felt that every time I walked on campus.
The shame and embarrassment I’d felt from Michael’s exploits before had faded away, and I moved with my head held high. I wasn’t perfect, and God knew I’d made some very big mistakes, but that didn’t mean I deserved anyone’s laughter or derision. I just no longer had it in me to care what other people thought.
So, when I ran almost smack into Michael on my way to meet a piano student for a tutoring session, I no longer felt the same spiky ball of nerves in my gut. Mostly, I just felt annoyed, especially when he ducked his head and tried to give me his best boyish smile. “Hey Clio, you look good.”
Something in me soured distastefully. “Um…thanks, I guess.”
“Yeah, um, hey I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go grab a coffee and catch up?” he asked, rubbing a nervous hand over his hair. How on earth had I ever found him cute or charming? He gave off the charm of a skinny-legged rubber chicken next to Aidan’s sturdy stature, and he was definitely no great conversationalist.
“Actually, I have an appointment I need to get to,” I said, starting to move away.
“Oh, okay, maybe later?” he asked, looking hopeful.
I started to say “sure” just to get away, but I thought better of it. “No,” I said with finality, “not later, not ever, Michael.”
He looked crestfallen. “Oh.”
I gave him a small, pitying smile. “Have a nice life, Michael.” I found to my own surprise that I actually meant it.
As I walked away, my smile grew. Clio from a couple of months ago would have melted into a puddle over that interaction. Now? Now, it just felt like a brief, tiny speck of annoyance.
My pride at discarding Michael so easily had me reaching for my phone to text Lila about my exciting development, but I remembered at the last second, and my excitement died out.
I missed Aidan like…crazy, but I really missed my best friend.