CLIO
Something had shifted…and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was or what to do about it.
My time with Aidan was different. Whereas there had been a lightness to him and our moments together before, there was a new, deeper level of intensity to him now. The way he made love to me, the way he whispered sweet things in my ear. Hell, even the way he held me now was more intense…like he didn’t want to let go.
This kind of scared me-not because I was afraid of him, though. As a matter of fact, I’d never felt as safe as I did with Aidan.
No, it scared me because I already knew I didn’t want to let go. The end of the summer was racing towards us, and I had no clue how I was going to handle it. It was one thing to get your heart broken, it was another thing altogether to know that a heartbreak was coming for you. Yet, I felt powerless to stop any of it. I just wanted to soak up every second I could with Aidan, and because of that, I found myself sharing things with him that I hadn’t expected to.
When all of this first started, I told myself it might be a good idea to reserve the hopes and dreams conversation. You know, the conversation you had with someone when you might actually have a future with.
One afternoon, as we lay in bed in each other’s arms, his fingers idly running up and down my bare skin, causing goosebumps to appear and me to shiver, he casually asked, “Clio, what do you want out of your life?”
I laughed. “That’s a loaded question, don’t you think? I mean, what exactly are you referring to?”
He looked at me thoughtfully. “I mean, what are your goals? What are things you want to have or accomplish to say that you have a fulfilled life?”
I answered before I could catch myself, “Well, for a fulfilled life, it would be having a family, a partner who understood me, and a job where I can give back.” When he looked at me quizzically, I thought I’d just put my foot in my mouth-of course he wasn’t referring to marriage and kids, though I’d answered honestly.
So, when he answered with, “Me too,” I was shocked for several reasons. For one thing, Lila had always told me how both of her parents were workaholics. She’d always made it clear that her father made a point of being there for whenever she needed or wanted him around, but I knew he logged in long hours. Still, I’d gotten the impression that he’d like his job, even if he was suffering from some burnout.
I looked at him with a questioning expression. “I thought you like what you did.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. “I did, but lately, I just feel like all I do is help a bunch of rich assholes who already have everything get that ‘everything’ delivered to them just so. I know Lila is kind of stressed because she’s just starting out, but in a way, I’m envious of her. She’s going in still hoping to make a real change, and knowing her, she will.”
“Oh, I have no doubt about that,” I agreed.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately, that I want to slow down and do something more meaningful…and I’ve been thinking about really wanting somebody to share my life with, but I just didn’t think I’d ever find that person. To tell you the truth, I was really starting to fear that I’d lost my chance.”
I dared to meet his eyes, even though I was terrified as to what I would see there as I asked, “And do you still think that you’ve lost your chance?”
His eyes searched mine. “I don’t know, Clio, you tell me…do I have a chance?”
I was at a loss for words. “Aidan, I-I don’t know what to say.” His face fell, and it felt like my heart was going to break. I’d thought my heart had broken over Michael, but that pain was nothing compared to what was threatening to overtake just from one look from Aidan.
Just be honest Clio, be true to your feelings.
“I want to tell you that there would be a chance. I want that more than anything,” I said, the tears welling up in my throat. I blinked hard to hold the tears back, but one slipped out anyway.
“Clio,” he breathed, cupping my face in his large hands. The tears flowed freely then. I couldn’t seem to help myself. He swiped them away with the pads of his thumb. “Please, don’t cry. I know the situation is not ideal, believe me, I know that. But there’s got to be a way-”
“No,” I cried, “Aidan, she’ll hate us both, and I don’t know if either one of us can survive that.” I started to get up, but he pulled me back down and hovered over me.
“Clio, don’t leave,” he said, “not yet anyway.” He kissed my face, my neck, then my lips. After giving me a long, thorough kiss, he held my eyes in a look that successfully hammered the first fracture in my heart. “Let me love you while I still can,” he whispered.
He kissed me again, catching my sob. We made love, and it was unlike any time we’d ever shared together before. We clung to one another as if it was our last time, and he whispered over and over again how he loved me, but he didn’t push me when I couldn’t say it back.
I’d like to think that he knew how I felt for him, but I knew if I said the words to him, the pain of the inevitable would swallow me whole. Somehow, not saying the words could somehow keep the lid on our time together.
After that afternoon, there was a more potent urgency to our time together. We also took risks we didn’t normally. Before, we were only together while Lila was at work. Now, I was sneaking to his room as soon as I was sure she was asleep. I’d get up at an ungodly hour to make sure I was in my room before Lila was up for her morning run before work.
I was getting addicted to sleeping in his arms, and I knew what we were doing was dangerous, but I didn’t think I could have stopped myself if I tried. It was a few nights after he told me he loved me that everything almost came crashing down around us. The alarm on my phone had gone off one too many times, but Aidan kept pulling me back to bed for just a few more minutes of cuddling.
I should have just stayed put, that probably would have been the safer option, but I was dazed and tired after a long, incredible night of making love with Aidan when I snuck out of his room in a t-shirt and panties. I was halfway between my room at the end of the hall and Aidan’s bedroom when Lila popped out of her bedroom, ready to go in her joggers and sports bra.
She raised a questioning eyebrow at me and my lack of clothes. “Clio, you okay?”
My pulse was thundering in my ears as the voice in my head ordered me to move and that staying frozen would only lead to more suspicion. “Uh, y-yeah,” I stuttered, “I just needed to use the bathroom.” I silently cursed myself as I remembered that the bathroom was right next to my room and there was absolutely no reason for me to be this far down the hall.
Her brow furrowed, confused, but she smiled at me like she was dealing with a small child. “Clio, the bathroom is right next to your room, remember? I think you need some more sleep, girl. You haven’t been this out of it since you had to do that all-night cram session for your ancient history final.”
I started to nod sleepily and move towards the bathroom when Aidan’s bedroom door opened behind me. I held my breath, doing my best to appear calm and not show the panic that was welling up in my chest. A panic that was stoked to an even hotter frenzy when I saw Lila look behind me and her eyes about popped out of her head. Slowly, I dared a look over my shoulder to see Aidan standing in his doorway dressed in nothing but his boxer-briefs.
“Daaaaaad,” Lila whined, “for God’s sake, put some clothes on before you come out. You’re embarrassing me,” she huffed.
I could see the alarm in the tense way he stood frozen, but I hoped to God that Lila didn’t notice it. “Uh, right, sorry,” he muttered and shuffled quickly back into his room.
I turned back to Lila when I heard his door click shut. She was shaking her head in dismay and a little disgust. “Sorry about that, Clio.” She looked a little hesitant, then gathered her courage to say what she obviously wanted to tell me. “Listen, I know I don’t have to worry about my dad, but maybe you should put on some shorts when you leave your room,” she suggested tacitly.
I smiled at her and simply nodded, not trusting what might come out of my mouth. Watching with a rock sitting at the bottom of my gut, she moved past me and out the door, seemingly unaware of any duplicity on my or her father’s part.
I rushed back to my room, locking the door behind me. The tears were fresh and hot, and I could not stop them if my life depended on them. I’d known deep down what Aidan and I were doing could not be painless, and the jagged fracture I could already feel starting to form in my heart was clear evidence of that.
He told me he loved me…and what was worse was that I knew I loved him, too.