“Then was it because of what happened to you?”
I couldn’t speak. I knew it. They probably knew that the woman Ismael wanted to marry was raped by someone else. They wouldn’t want their son to marry someone like me; it would tarnish their reputation.
“It might be hard for you, Jothea, but we’re here for you. Don’t worry. No one will know about that, except us. Our relatives won’t know, even Isa, Jothea. They won’t know. I assure you.” She held my hand, trying to ease my feelings. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. “You didn’t like what happened, and it won’t make you any less of a burden. I still want you for my son, hija.”
She stroked my hair, and because of the way she looked at me with a mixture of acceptance, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I hugged her tightly.
She continued to stroke my hair as if she were easing the weight I was feeling in my heart. “That memory might be difficult for you to get rid of, but we’re here to help you. We’ll replace it with beautiful memories until you can’t remember it anymore. We’ll cover it all.”
I keep on nodding. It was the comfort I’d been yearning to experience from my mother. I never thought that someone who’s not related to me would give me that kind of love. I am really thankful. “Stop crying, child; Ismael will think I’m making you cry,” she joked.
Just like she promised, she keeps on visiting the mansion to invite me to her daily activities. She teaches me many things, especially about being the first lady-organizing events, who I should call when I need this or that.
I also dared to tell Miss Sapphire that I would be gone for now because my belly was growing and the second trimester was almost over. It was good that she allowed me because she said it would be better for me to focus on my pregnancy first, especially since this was my first baby. She couldn’t help but be jealous because I got pregnant earlier than her. As for what almost happened, she said I shouldn’t blame myself because it wasn’t my fault. Because of that, she realized she shouldn’t be complacent. She also stated that she had improved and strengthened the company’s security.
Savannah also kept calling me about what happened. She said she heard that Raviel was in prison. She also told me that she will come home next month so I can make sure we meet and talk.
I heaved a sigh, not because I was exhausted but because I felt relief. Everything feels surreal, but I am getting used to it. This is the life with Ismael that I chose to have. Living here in this mansion would be better for Cal. His family is here. Although sometimes I miss my life in the city of Lourdez, even my job, where I built my dream there.
Ismael is right that being a mother and wife is no joke. Now that we are not married yet, I feel like everyone is treating me that way, especially since I am bringing the son of the future president of the Mondalla clan.
The door to Ismael’s room opened, and I immediately smiled when I saw him. From the veranda, I ran towards him.
“Hey, don’t run,” he said before greeting me and kissing me. He even caressed and kissed my growing belly. “Cal might wake up.”
I laughed. “He’s awake. He keeps on kicking every side of my tummy.”
“I have something for you,” he said, before showing me the bouquet of daisies that had been hiding behind him earlier.
“Ismael!” I complained. I suddenly burst into tears because of the overwhelming sense of loss. “You’re going to get a cold doing this!”
He flashed a smile. “I don’t mind. As long as I can see you smile, I’m willing to give you flowers every day.”
“Ismael…” I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. I love these.”
“I also brought you an egg pie, which you always craved.” He showed me a box of expensive egg pie that I always requested he buy. I smiled even more.
“Thank you, but I forgot to tell you that I want an egg pie that is extra burnt on the crust.”
He scoffed. “For real?” He opened the box of egg pie before sitting down on the bedside sofa. He also grabbed my waist before pulling me onto his lap.
“Hey, am I not heavy?” I asked. I noticed that I was already chubby from eating the food I had been craving.
“Not at all. Just eat whatever you want. Tell me everything, and I’ll get it for you.” He kissed my cheek again before taking a slice of egg pie. “Should we burn the crust more?” he asked while pointing at the top of the egg pie.
“Like half of it should be burned, Ismael, but it’s fine; we can do it tomorrow. That’s fine for now,” I replied and was about to take the slice of egg pie when he pulled it away from me.
“Let’s go to the kitchen. Let’s burn this thing however you want.”
I couldn’t help but appeal when he pulled me down to the kitchen. The other maids were also there helping us. I smiled as I remembered my hobby back then, baking. It seemed like I had another chance to experience doing it again.
But Ismael is doing all the work. I was really excited as I watched him put on an apron and watch the oven. In just a few minutes, we finished burning half of the egg pie the way I wanted to eat it. I saw the maids smiling, like they were amazed by what we were doing. They offered to clean up our messes when they saw me washing the bowls.
“Was it good?” Ismael asked when we got back to his room. I was currently eating the egg pie he bought for me.
I nodded. “It is. You want to try?”
He nodded before gaping; that’s why I let him try it. He just bit his lip hard, trying not to react. I laughed because of that. Basically, he doesn’t want it. Well, for me, this is really good.
“How are you here, my love?” he asked while loosening the knot on his tie.
“I’m fine. I think I’ve read all your books here,” I replied. “Even though I’m not a bookworm.”
“So far, do you have your favorites now?” He moved closer to me and sniffed the side of my neck.
“I do. I love Pride and Prejudice,” I answered, closing my eyes and stopping eating.
“Good choice, my love,” he whispered as he hugged me tightly. “Tell me about it.” He started to plant small kisses on my neck, which made me shiver.
“I love their bickering and bantering. I remember us, Ismael. Also, Mr. Darcy’s words to Elizabeth: He’s so poetic, just like you.”
I heard him chuckle near my ear. “Don’t compare me. I’m not that romantic.”
I quickly looked at him. “Aren’t you romantic in this situation?”
“Well.” He kissed me softly. “If you say so, then I am.” He placed his hand on my head before reaching for my lips again, but this time he deepened them. “I miss you so much, my love.”
I clung to her clothes and tried to return the kiss. “Things in the clan are more tiring than I expected. I need you to fill my strength again.”
“Was it really exhausting?” I asked.
“Yeah, Dad is turning over all the work, so…”
He kissed my neck and paused for a moment. I noticed he was snoring, so I just laughed. I stayed for a moment while my arms were wrapped all over his body, savoring moments like this. My heart is full. I guess I was the one who replenished my energy because of what he did.
I leaned back and just let him sleep in that position. I didn’t want to disturb this man, because he might tire me out later. It was good that he was getting some rest. I closed my eyes too and chose to join him in falling asleep.
*****
I woke up in bed, still gasping for breath. No. That was just a nightmare. It wasn’t true. I held my stomach and looked at Ismael; he’s still sound asleep.
I buried my face in my hands as I tried to cry in silence. That recurring nightmare was waking me up in the middle of the night. Raviel had escaped from prison and was coming back to kill my son. The fear is eating away at my flesh. I keep dreaming about it, and no matter how hard I try to hide it or ignore it, it just haunts me every night.
I was really happy with Ismael, with everyone around me, but at night, it seemed like all the happiness was replaced by bad dreams. It isn’t allowing me to sleep well. I was worried that one day it would happen, that Raviel would show up in front of me and kill Ismael and my child.
I decided to go to the bathroom. I opened the tap and let the water run out. I closed the door and proceeded to cry over and over again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was already eaten by my conscience. I was responsible for all this, but I still managed to be happy. I should be dead. I should have perished.
I remained sitting and leaning on the bathtub while bending over and hugging my knees. These feelings have been hurting me since the day I left the hospital. But I tried to cover it with smiles. I don’t want everyone to be worried about me. They are all busy. I don’t want to bother them with these petty things. I feel like I won’t be able to rest until I pay for all my sins.
“Baby…” I felt a warm hand on my arm. I looked up and saw Ismael in front of me. He was sitting up. “What’s wrong?”
There was a trace of worry in his eyes. Because of that, I burst into tears even more. I was in pain. So much.
“Did you have a bad dream?” His voice was soft and comforting. He’s rubbing his hand on my arm, trying to ease my pain. “Tell me, please.”
My lips curled down. “I think I need time, Ismael.”
His eyes sparkled. I can see how he stopped those tears. “What do you mean?”
“Can I ask for space?”
His forehead furrowed. He was clearly trying to understand my confused mind. “Why? Why do you need space, my love? Am I suffocating you?”
I shook my head. “No. All you did was shower me with pure love, and I am thankful for it, but there’s something in me telling me I don’t deserve it all. I killed people. I’m also the reason why Raviel and Roxsielle became the worst. I was raped, and now I’m having a baby with you. I feel like I don’t have anything for our baby to be proud of.”
He stroked my hair and wiped away my tears. “Listen to me. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your intention to kill someone. You were just a product of unloving parents who turned you into hating this world. And it was Raviel and Roxsielle’s choice to be eaten by grudges; they wanted revenge. You’re not the reason. And don’t think that what you did when you were just five justified Raviel raping you. No, Jothea.”
I continued to sob as he spoke, but I felt like I couldn’t hear anything. Maybe I really did want to leave. I wanted to fix myself before going back to him. I felt like it was the right thing to do.
“Please, Ismael, for the last time. Let me leave. Let me fix myself first.”
“Can’t you do it together? I can help you. We can fix it together.”
I stroked his face. “Let me use my feet. Let me walk to you, but before that, I need to be strong to stand up for myself again.”
The sound of the water coming from the faucet could no longer drown out the loud cries we both cried.
That morning, I left him.