I opened my eyes thinking that a white light would greet me, but it wasn’t. All I could see was darkness. Am I in hell?
But when the light struck my eyes, I immediately saw that I was in a car. I was in the back seat while a man was driving the car where I was.
“Jothea! You’re awake! Thank God!”
I swallowed hard when I saw Ismael. All my memories immediately came back to me.
“When I shouldn’t. Stop the car. I’m leaving,” I said, but he didn’t listen. “I said stop the car!”
He still didn’t listen and just continued driving.
“For Pete’s sake! What of what I said don’t you understand? Stop the car and I’ll get out!” I shouted, full of anger. Apart from the fact that I was about to die, now that I see him in front of me, that’s just proof that he saved me. “I said pull over!”
“No! I won’t listen to you! So shout what you want! Scream! I don’t fucking care! No one’s going to leave this car!”
My teeth gritted. “Oh, really? Then, fine!” I walked up to him and grabbed his hand on the steering wheel before it moved the way I wanted. “If you don’t stop the car, then die with me!”
“I’m willing to die with you!”
I saw tears falling from his eyes, and it was too late when I saw that we were close to the cliff. But Ismael’s reflexes and ability to drive were insane; he stepped on the brake on time. We were almost put in danger because of my stupidity. Up until this time, he saved me.
Since the car stopped as I had planned, I immediately got out to run away from him. This is not what I wanted. I had accepted the end of my life. Why was he here again to make my heart beat faster? To believe his lies? Isn’t he tired? Because I’m so exhausted.
“Jothea!”
I felt his embrace around my waist. He caught up with me. I don’t know how fast he is or was, or I just don’t have the strength to run away from him.
“Jothea! Where are you going when I’m just here?”
The rain starts to pour. It seems like the rain is still keeping up with the sadness we both feel.
“Let go of me, you fucking user,” I insisted as I struggled in his warm embrace that beat the cold brought by the rain.
“I won’t. You promised you wouldn’t leave me, right? Should I kneel before you just so you don’t have to turn your back on me?”
I closed my eyes. His words pulled at my tears, as if I really wanted to go to him.
“And be fooled again? No! I don’t want to endure things like this again! I want to die! Why did you have to save me again just to make me feel like dying? You should’ve come to me earlier if you wanted me to believe in you!”
I remembered again the pathetic thing Raviel did to me. I wanted to kill myself in disgust, but it was even more disgusting to think that I had just given myself to the very person who was fooling me face to face.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jothea. It is my fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not saving you from him. I’m sorry that I was late. I’m sorry that I promised you that I would protect you, but I did not. I’m sorry.”
“Your sorry wouldn’t change a thing, so let me go!” I tried my best to engage in a fight in order to just get away from his embrace. “You’re the same! You only want my body! When you can’t use me anymore, you’ll just abandon me!”
“That’s not true!”
“It is the truth!” I strike his stomach using my elbow so he could let me go for good. I pulled away and faced him. I realized we were on the road. Surrounded by trees. Are we on a mountain? Where is he planning to take me?
“It is not. I am telling you.”
I shook my head. “You won’t fool me anymore. You are alive, yet you never look for me. And now that I have decided to end my life, you’re gonna crawl and save me? What do you really want?! Keep hurting me?!”
He stepped forward to approach me. “Don’t you dare go near me! I hate you, you liar!”
He walked towards me again. “Step one more and I’m going to jump off the cliff.”
I saw the look in his eyes.
But he immediately ran to me when I was about to jump off the cliff. He brought me back to his car. He put me in the back seat, but I gave him a hard slap.
“I said I wanted to die! Why don’t you just let me?!”
He rested his arm on the roof of the car while still outside while I sat in the back seat. He was soaking wet from the heavy rain.
“I won’t let you go even if you killed me with your words or hated me to life, but I won’t let you kill yourself again. No. No, I won’t let you go, so please, don’t go.”
I wiped my tears. I felt my knees weaken. Just with this kind of persistence, no woman can let go.
I heaved a sigh. “Let me go as long as I’m begging you.”
“No.”
“Please, just let me die.”
“No.”
“I’m begging you.”
“No.”
“Ismael…”
“I said no!”
I didn’t appeal.
“I always listen to you; why don’t you just listen to me this once? I said no, you will not die. This is what Raviel wants to happen. He wants us to be separated. He wants to mess with us. He’s feeding you fake information so you can dump me and waste your life as he wants. I never once tried to take advantage of you, Jothea.”
I shook my head. “But he has proof. You knew me even before you entered Marcus University. You even made your secretary follow me when I was younger! For what reasons? Tell me, what am I supposed to think knowing that?”
“I want to know if you’re pregnant!”
I couldn’t speak and frowned. “What are you talking about?!” I asked, annoyed.
“Fuck. Just forget it. You already forgot my face.”
He slammed the door shut before getting back into the driver’s seat. And here I am looking at him with confusion. What was he talking about?
He didn’t drive right away. He sighed repeatedly, and after a while I heard him sobbing. He was still scratching his head as if he didn’t know what to do. I noticed the bandage on his hand. Even the blood and wounds. I immediately felt sorry for him. That’s right, the explosion at the casino had just happened. It was just a while ago when I saw him there looking for me. How come he is here safe?
It was just also a while ago when Raviel did something bad to us. How come I am here safe also?
I was completely in tears. I joined him in crying. Our sobs filled his car.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” he said. His voice broke, which made me cry even more.
“I thought I was going to lose you too,” I replied without saying a word. My lips trembled as I looked at the back of his head, hiding tears. I couldn’t help but remember the question I had asked him before, if he was crying for me. Now I can hear it, even though he didn’t show it.
“Why did you even go there?”
I remained silent.
“Didn’t I already tell you that we’re working on it?”
I didn’t answer.
“Why are you so stubborn?”
I just looked at him while observing his head. Why was I so stubborn?
And the way he spoke, it was as if I was wrong again. I was wrong again because I gave in to what others said. Because of my stupidity, he almost disappeared.
And me, because of my stupidity, I was already stained by another man. I don’t deserve to go back to him or even face him.
“Ismael,” I called out to him. “Let’s end this.”
I took off the two rings on my hand. “Let’s break up.” I put the ring down beside me. I knew he wouldn’t accept it if I handed it to him.
I grabbed the door and was about to open it when he spoke. “Are you not going to keep all your promises?”
I stopped and turned to him. He kept his back to me as if he really didn’t want me to see how miserable he was right now. “How long will I force myself on you? How long will I have to fight for ours if you always leave me in the fight?”
He turned around. “I did everything, didn’t I? Is it still not enough?” I saw tears flowing down his cheeks. “Tell me what else I need to do; I’ll fill it in so you don’t just leave me. It would hurt more if I lost you, Jothea.”
My heart was broken by his pleas. Even my hot tears had already flowed. “Do I need to beg? Because I’ll do it, just don’t leave me.”
“I’m begging you, Jothea, don’t leave me like this. You’re the only reason I breathe. Will you still be gone?”
“You said you wouldn’t take off the ring I gave you. Why did you take it off again? Are you gonna break all the promises you made?”
“Do you really love me?”
I gasped. How could I answer that if I felt like he wouldn’t believe me anymore?
“I’m just hurting you. Why would we continue this?” I asked, but what I could hear from him was more hurtful.
“Are you determined?” His voice cracked. I could also feel the fatigue in his words.
Fear welled up in my chest. It seemed like I had filled him.
“Because if you’re determined, I’ll just take you to your home and then let you go.”
I bit my lip hard because it was like I was slapped by the truth that everything has an end. I couldn’t blame him. It was tiring to love someone like me. Especially since I was the one pushing him away and always leaving him. It was my fault. I always hurt him. I didn’t deserve him.
I bowed my head. Isn’t it me who wants this? Why do I feel like I want to take it back?
What do I really want?
*****
I looked out the car window. It had been parked in front of my house a while ago. No. There’s no parking because I don’t have a home anymore. There’s no home to welcome me now. My house is also on fire. I almost forgot that I put it on fire before committing suicide, and it looks like the fire department came earlier to put out the fire, but there’s really nothing left in my house.
Where am I going now?
“Do you want to stay in one of my hotel rooms?”
I looked in the rearview mirror to check on Ismael, but he just avoided my gaze.
“N-no.”
I saw how he bit his lip in frustration. “O-okay. The door is open. You can go n-now.”
“Thank you,” I mouthed before getting out of his car.
I just looked at his car as if he had waited a few more seconds for me to come back, but what would he think if I came back to him? Am I playing with him?
When he noticed that I was determined, he left completely, and that’s when my knees went weak. I let out loud cries. Even my knees couldn’t handle the weight, so I just knelt down.
I entered the gate of my house, and that was all that was left. The hell did I do?