“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jennifer’s voice was soft, yet filled with concern as she held my hand tightly. We walked into the clinic, the sterile smell of the place overwhelming my senses, and my heart raced in my chest. I could barely focus as I tried to take deep, steady breaths.
“Yes, Jen,” I replied, though the words felt hollow, like I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was convincing her.
“You just found out you’re pregnant,” she continued, her eyes searching mine for any flicker of doubt. “Wouldn’t it be better to wait? To think it through a little more?” Her voice was gentle, but beneath it was a plea.
I shook my head, biting my lip to keep the tears at bay. “I don’t want to change my mind.” The words came out firmer than I expected. I didn’t want to be swayed. I couldn’t be. I needed to do this before the weight of everything crushed me completely.
“I’ll go in myself,” I urged, my voice quieter now. “Wait in the car with Irene and the others.” I couldn’t have her by my side. Not now. I couldn’t bear her trying to talk me out of it.
“No,” Jennifer said, her grip tightening around my hand, refusing to let me face this alone. “I’ll stay here with you.” Her words were firm.
We approached the front desk, where a tall blonde woman stood, her blue eyes piercing. I choked for a moment, the weight of the decision I was about to make pressing down on me even harder. Her gaze felt like judgment, though I knew it wasn’t meant to be.
“How may I help you?” she asked, her voice professional.
I tried to speak but found myself unable to. My heart was racing, my throat tight, and all I could do was grip Jennifer’s hand harder.
“A gynecologist,” Jennifer replied, her voice steady, taking control when I couldn’t.
The woman gave me a brief, somewhat disturbed look before smiling politely. “Please fill out this form,” she said, handing it to Jennifer, who led me over to a bench.
“I might not agree with what you’re doing, Em,” Jennifer said softly, handing me the form and a pen, “but I want you to know I’m right here with you. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.”
Her words were a lifeline, pulling me out of the suffocating doubt for a moment. I stared at the form in my hands, my fingers trembling as I wrote my name and details. But as soon as I finished, I couldn’t bring myself to hand it in. My eyes lingered on the paper, my thoughts spiraling.
“Do I really want to do this?’ My hand instinctively brushed over my stomach, the faintest of flutters beneath my palm.
“Are you having second thoughts?” Jennifer asked gently, her voice cutting through the storm in my mind.
I shook my head, though I wasn’t sure if I was lying to her or to myself. I stood up, clutching the form, and walked it back to the front desk.
“You can sit down, ma’am. You’ll be called soon,” the receptionist said, her voice calm but distant.
I returned to my seat, legs shaking as I waited. Every second felt like a lifetime, my heart pounding louder with each passing moment.
“Ms. Emily Sanders?” The front desk clerk’s voice called out, and my heart plummeted into my stomach.
“The doctor will see you now,” she said, and I turned to Jennifer, who nodded at me, her grip on my hand tightening as we walked toward the doctor’s office.
“Good evening,” the doctor greeted us with a warm smile, but I could barely focus on his words.
“Good evening,” Jennifer replied, nudging me gently.
I managed a weak smile, but my mind was far away. For a brief second, I had forgotten why I was here.
“Emily Sanders,” the doctor said, pulling up my file on his computer. “It says here you’re nine weeks pregnant.” His eyes widened as he read further. “And you want to… Why?” he asked softly. “I’m required to ask by law.” He added.
I looked to Jennifer, unable to find the words myself. She nodded, stepping in for me.
“For medical reasons,” Jennifer replied calmly, though her voice was strained.
The doctor furrowed his brows. “What kind of medical reasons?” he asked.
“It’s a high-risk pregnancy, and she’s not in the right frame of mind to have babies now,” Jennifer said firmly, though I could sense she was uncomfortable.
The doctor’s eyes shifted back to me. “I would really appreciate if the patient answered for herself.”
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice. “What she said, doctor,” I finally managed to whisper.
The doctor nodded, a small, understanding smile on his face. “We’ll need to run some tests and do a scan to ensure everything is okay before we proceed,” he explained.
“I don’t need tests,” I said, my voice trembling. “I’m not ready for this. Please, doctor… my mind’s made up.”
The doctor studied me carefully, his eyes softening. “Let’s just see how the scan goes,” he said gently.
We were led to the lab, where they took my blood and checked my blood pressure. Every moment felt like an eternity and doubt was beginning to set it.
As soon as we entered the scan room, tears began to spill down my cheeks. Memories of my lost baby flooded my mind. I had lost one before… did I really want to lose these two?
“Lie right there, ma’am,” the nurse instructed, guiding me to the bed. I laid flat, my heart pounding as she applied cold gel to my stomach.
“We’re about to start the scan,” she said, as if asking for permission. I nodded, bracing myself.
The nurse moved the Doppler around my stomach, showing tiny, egg-like shapes on the black and white screen. “This is baby one,” she said, pointing at the image. “And this is baby two. They share the same sac.”
“One placenta?” Jennifer asked, her voice curious but I could hear the excitement in it..
The nurse nodded.
“What does that mean?” I asked, my voice came out like a whisper.
“They’re identical,” Jennifer replied with a soft smile.
I forced a weak smile in return, though it didn’t matter to me. My mind was already made up.
“Would you like to hear their heartbeats?” the nurse asked, and I immediately shook my head.
“No,” I whispered, my voice cracking.
“Yes, please,” Jennifer replied quickly . “We should hear it.” Jennifer urged.
I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to remember what a baby’s heartbeat sounded like, didn’t want to be reminded of the joy I once felt with Ethan, our engagement, the baby, Jake.
The nurse looked at me, waiting for my approval, but Jennifer insisted. “Nurse, we would like to hear the heartbeat.” Jennifer said her voice commanding.
The room fell silent as the nurse pressed a button, and suddenly, the sound filled the space “dup, dup, dup” the unmistakable sound of life.
“Baby number one,” the nurse said, then pressed another button, and the heartbeat of baby number two echoed through the room. The beautiful, steady rhythm pierced through the walls I had built around my heart.
Tears streamed down my face, uncontrollable, and I turned to Jennifer, who was crying too.
“I don’t want to lose my babies,” I blurted, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.