Mena
When I got home, the first thing I did was walk straight to the bedroom and take a long shower. I needed to wash away the blood and refused to even look in a mirror before I had done so. After the shower, I called Naty to check up on her. Hearing her voice, still innocent and unaffected, was a small relief. She was doing fine and was more than happy to go on a trip with Giulia and Melody.
I stayed upstairs, mainly because I didn’t feel like seeing anyone. I wasn’t even sure if they knew where I had been this entire time. It almost seemed like they didn’t care, or maybe they did but Alessio told them to ignore it. Anything was possible.
My thoughts kept drifting back to Alessio, who was now completely immersed in planning what he called a ‘victory feast.’ It disgusted me to think of celebrating anything after what had just happened.
He had been standoffish since we got back, and I knew he would continue to be that way until I could give him an answer about our future. But how could I commit to anything when my heart felt so torn and conflicted?
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I looked down at my stomach and gently rubbed it. “What will we do about your Daddy?” I whispered. I was grateful to carry another child, but it still hadn’t hit me the way it should have. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I had never gotten the opportunity.
Same as my first pregnancy, I had to settle for this uncomfortable and suffocating feeling.
I couldn’t help but think about what kind of dad Alessio would be. He was crazy, an absolute nutcase-but I believed he could be a good father. He was good to Naty.
He was protective, generous, and when it came to those he loved, he showed a tender side that not many could see.
No matter how tender he ‘could’ be, I heavily doubted his current stance of ‘leave if you want to’ would remain the same once he found out about the pregnancy. I was certain he would do anything to keep me here, to make sure we would be a family.
I closed my eyes, and the sound of the gunshot that ended Anson’s life echoed in my mind. It was either that, or the emotionless and dull gaze in Alessio’s eyes as he had done it. I gulped with a tight throat and shook my head, forcing myself to erase the memory.
When I had told him I loved him, when I decided to get intimate with him, he was already the man who could coldly take another life. It wasn’t like he had suddenly changed. He had always been this way, and even though I chose not to think about it-I knew it.
So why did it bother me so much now? Why was the reality of who he was hitting me harder than ever? He had never forced me to love him, I chose to and I made that decision with my whole heart.
One would say there shouldn’t have been any difference, yet there was-and I did not have an answer why.
There was a knock on the door, pulling me from my thoughts. Pilar stepped in, a weak smile plastered on her lips. She was quieter than usual, and did not make an obnoxious entry.
She took a seat beside me on the bed, and immediately gave me a side-hug. “I heard what happened from Gian, and I’m so sorry,” she spoke softly.
I appreciated the hug more than I could express. I really needed it, and the one I needed it from the most wasn’t on speaking terms with me.
“If you want to rest, I can go,” Pilar spoke.
“No, I’m happy you’re here. Stay,” I responded quickly, not wanting to be left alone with my thoughts again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I want to forget everything,” I said, trying to push away the memories of the day.
Pilar looked at me with a concerned gaze. “Are you sure?”
“No,” I admitted, and then, I went on a rant. I told her everything that had happened, including every word that was exchanged between Alessio and me. Pilar listened quietly and gave me enough space to touch every subject until I was finished.
“Who would you vent to if I weren’t here?” Pilar asked, cracking a small joke.
At least, I hoped it was a joke because now that I did let everything out, I was starting to feel bad about it. Maybe she was only quiet because she couldn’t take my nagging anymore.
“Do you think I’m annoying? Because sometimes I feel like I am,” I confessed.
Pilar pursed her lips, considering her words carefully. “No-you’re just not like us.”
Her words made me pause. Not like us.
“And with that, you mean?”
“With that, I mean you have a kind heart, sometimes too kind,” Pilar explained gently.
I took a deep breath. It was a compliment…right?
If so, she couldn’t have said it better. I wasn’t like them, I never grew up in such an environment where one would throw a party because a lot of people got killed. That was sick and twisted.
“I’m sure Alessio held himself back, for your sake,” Pilar said something I hadn’t considered.
“You think so?”
She nodded. “He could’ve tortured him, taken off his fingers one by one, kidnapped him, starved him-but he did none of that,” she said. “For all the shit he has pulled, Anson got away with a real easy death. Have you ever thought about that?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t.
Her words made me reconsider a few things. Maybe Alessio had restrained himself, in his own way, for me.
To be honest, I hope he didn’t because if he did it meant he was capable of doing some inhuman type of shit.
“Do you think I’m doing too much?” I sighed, rubbing my temples.
“Of course not. Your feelings are your feelings-and you shouldn’t put them aside.”
After hearing her words, I felt a bit better.
“And I do think he can be a bit more compassionate towards you,” Pilar added.
“I agree,” I responded, wishing that Alessio could sometimes see things from my perspective. Of course, I wouldn’t cheer behind him and jump in the air as he was going to take a man’s life. That was sick.
“I do really think the lack of compassion is a genetic thing,” Pilar spoke.
“Why?”
“I hurt my hand yesterday and then Gian went all, ‘get over it, at least you have a hand,'” she huffed, annoyed.
I chuckled, imagining Gian’s infamous frown in my head.
“You need to relax, think about this baby and in a few days when everything has died down, you’ll sit down with Alessio and tell him about Levi.”
“Don’t call him that,” I muttered under my breath, a little bothered at the casual use of the name. “Let’s just call him by his name.”
“You’re right, I’ll just yell his government name through the whole mansion like Rumpelstiltskin,” Pilar said, making me chuckle. She was silly, but I really needed that laugh.
“Do you think I should come to this party tonight?” I questioned, still unsure about facing everyone after what had happened.
“You’ll only make things worse with Alessio if you don’t go. They all expect you there,” Pilar pointed out.
“They do?”
“Everyone will be there, even my dad is flying in-so put on a nice dress and go,” Pilar encouraged. “Even if it’s just for ten minutes, just to show your face.”
“Sure,” I gave in. “I’ll go.”