Freya, who had been listening intently, suddenly leaned forward, her eyes blazing with intensity. “Sophia Bennett,” she began, her voice cutting through the ambient noise of the restaurant, “you are one of the strongest, most independent and stubborn women I know.”
Sophia blinked, taken aback by Freya’s vehemence. She opened her mouth to protest, but Freya held up a hand, silencing her.
“No, listen to me,” Freya continued, her words sharp and precise. “Enjoying someone else taking control in the bedroom doesn’t change that or who you are in any way. You’re still the same kick-ass woman you always have been.”
Sophia felt a lump forming in her throat. She wanted to believe Freya, but the niggle was hard to shake.
Freya’s expression softened slightly, but her gaze remained intense. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a little kink, Soph. Nothing.”
“But-” Sophia started, her voice cracking.
“No buts,” Freya interrupted. “Your desires don’t define your worth or your strength. If anything, embracing them makes you even stronger.”
Sophia’s mind raced, processing Freya’s words. Part of her wanted to argue, to cling to the familiar doubt. But another part, a growing part, felt a spark of liberation.
“Fuck,” she muttered, letting out a shaky laugh. “When did you get so wise, Dr. Anderson?”
Freya grinned, the tension breaking. “Comes with the territory of patching up drunken idiots at 3am. You learn a thing or two about human nature.”
Emily reached across the table, her fingers intertwining with Sophia’s. Her green eyes were warm with concern, but there was steel in her voice. “If it’s bothering you so much you nearly safeworded, Soph, you need to talk to Jake about it.”
Sophia’s stomach clenched. The thought of having that conversation made her want to crawl under the table. “I don’t know if I can,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.
“You can,” Emily insisted, squeezing her hand. “Maybe, for now, you need to redraw your limits until you’re more comfortable.”
Sophia’s mind flashed to Jake – his easy smile, the way his hands felt on her skin. The idea of pulling back made her chest ache. “But what if he-”
“If he’s worth a damn, he’ll understand,” Emily cut in, her tone brooking no argument. “And if he doesn’t, well… I can think of some very creative ways to dispose of a body.”
Despite herself, Sophia snorted. “Jesus, Em.”
Emily shrugged, a wicked glint in her eye. “What? I’m just saying, I’ve got your back. Always.”
Sophia felt a rush of affection for her friend. She took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders. “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him.”
“Damn right you will,” Emily nodded, lifting her glass in a mock toast. “To kicking ass and taking names – in and out of the bedroom.”
Sophia clinked her glass against Emily’s, feeling a tentative smile tug at her lips. The niggle was still there, but for the first time in a while, it felt less like a weight and more like a challenge to be conquered.
Later that night, Sophia slouched on her worn leather sofa, the droning of Jeremy Kyle’s latest paternity drama fading into white noise. Her fingers hovered over her phone, heart racing as she typed out a message to Jake.
Sophia: Hey, we need to talk.
“Shit,” she muttered, realizing how ominous that sounded. Her thumbs flew across the screen.
Sophia: Shit, that sounded really bad, it’s not about anything bad.
Jake’s reply came almost instantly.
Jake: What’s up, sunshine? Everything okay?
Sophia chewed her lip, struggling to find the right words.
Sophia: I think I need to reconsider my limits. Just until the niggle in my mind calms down.
Jake: Whatever you need, Soph. Is it something specific you are concerned about?
Sophia’s stomach churned. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be honest.
Sophia: It’s not you. I just… I’m still struggling with feeling like I shouldn’t enjoy this so much. Like it makes me weak or something.
Jake: Soph, there’s nothing weak about knowing what you want and enjoying it. But if you need to dial it back, we absolutely can.
Sophia: I don’t want to disappoint you.
Jake: None of that, Soph. Your comfort is what matters here. We can take it as slow as you need.
Sophia felt a lump form in her throat, overwhelmed by his understanding.
Sophia: Thank you. Can we maybe… stick to vanilla for a bit? At least until I sort my head out?
Jake: Of course. And Soph? You’re one of the strongest women I know. This doesn’t change that.
Sophia blinked back tears, a mix of relief and lingering uncertainty washing over her.
Sophia: You’re pretty great, you know that, surfer boy?
Jake: I have my moments. Want to grab coffee tomorrow and talk about it then?
She set her phone down, exhaling slowly. The niggle was still there, but it felt less suffocating now. Maybe, just maybe, she could figure this out after all.
Sophia snagged the bottle of Cabernet from the kitchen counter, foregoing a glass entirely. Fuck it. She plopped onto the sofa, fishing out the crumpled limits list from her purse.
“Alright, let’s do this,” she muttered, unfolding the paper with trembling fingers.
Her eyes scanned the page, landing on “Bondage – Green.” She snorted, taking a swig straight from the bottle.
“That’s becoming yellow.”
Next up: “Spanking – Green.” Sophia’s ass tingled at the memory of Jake’s palm. She bit her lip, hesitating.
“Fuck. Maybe… yellow? For now?”
She scribbled a note in the margin, her handwriting a drunken scrawl.
“Choking – Green.” Sophia’s breath hitched. That one had felt incredible, but…
“Dammit,” she hissed, crossing it out entirely. “Red. For now.”
As she worked through the list, crossing out and adjusting, Sophia’s mind raced.
“Am I overthinking this? Christ, I sound like such a prude.”
She took another long pull from the bottle, grimacing at the burn.
“Get it together, Bennett. It’s just sex. Really fucking good sex.”
But even as she thought it, that niggling doubt crept back in. She glared at the paper, willing it to make sense.
“Why can’t I just enjoy this without freaking out?”
Sophia’s phone buzzed, making her jump. Jake’s name flashed on the screen.
Jake: Everything okay? You didn’t reply, got me worried.
She stared at the message, thumb hovering over the keyboard. Fuck. How to explain this without sounding like a total headcase?
Sophia: Sorry, I’m just… processing. Trying to figure out what I’m comfortable with. Coffee sounds great.
She hit send before she could overthink it. The response came almost immediately.
Jake: Take all the time you need. No pressure.
Sophia’s chest tightened. Why did he have to be so goddamn understanding?
“Asshole,” she muttered fondly, tossing the phone aside.
She returned to the list, eyeing the “Toys” section. Most of it remained green, memories of last night’s vibrator sending a shiver down her spine.
“At least I’m not completely vanilla,” she snorted.
Her gaze landed on “Anal – Yellow.” Sophia’s cheeks flushed, recalling Jake’s fingers, the way he’d…
“Fuck it,” she growled, scribbling it to green. “In for a penny…”
But as she reached “Restraints,” her hand froze. Images of being helpless again, unable to move, flashed through her mind. Her heart raced, palms suddenly clammy.
“Nope,” Sophia whispered, crossing it out viciously. “Hard pass for now.”
She tossed the pen down, rubbing her temples. This was supposed to be fun, dammit. When did it get so complicated?
Sophia grabbed her phone, needing to hear a friendly voice. She hit Emily’s number, drumming her fingers impatiently as it rang.
“Hey Soph, what’s up?” Emily’s warm tone came through.
“Em, I did it,” Sophia blurted out. “I went through my list. Told Jake we need to talk about my limits. We’re meeting for coffee tomorrow.”
There was a brief pause before Emily’s voice returned, brimming with pride. “Sophia Bennett, I am so fucking proud of you right now.”
Sophia let out a shaky laugh. “Yeah? ‘Cause I feel like I’m losing my damn mind here.”
“You’re not,” Emily assured her. “You’re taking care of yourself. That’s huge.”
“I guess,” Sophia sighed, eyeing the scribbled-on list. “It’s just… what if he thinks I’m a prude now?”
Emily snorted. “Please. You? A prude? The girl who once flashed an entire party on a dare?”
“That was one time!” Sophia protested, grinning despite herself. “And I was very drunk.”
“My point exactly,” Emily laughed. “Look, if Jake’s worth a damn, he’ll respect your boundaries. And if he doesn’t? Well, that’s what baseball bats are for.”
Sophia chuckled, some of the tension easing from her shoulders. “Thanks, Em. I needed that.”
“Anytime, babe. Now go get some sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
As Sophia hung up, she stared at the list once more. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start. And maybe, just maybe, that was enough for now.