It was too much. The ache in my stomach began twisting, gnawing and relentlessly clawing at my sanity. It pierced its way up to my chest, squeezing my heart with an icy grip. I stumbled blindly, my breath coming in shallow, ragged gasps. The marble walls of the hallway blurred.
I reached the swimming pool. The still water reflected the pale moonlight like a damn perfect, mocking mirror. The ache was getting unbearable now like a sickening combination of nausea and a weight so heavy it felt as though my chest might collapse under it.
I dropped to my knees beside the pool, gripping the edge with trembling hands. My reflection stared back at me, hollow-eyed and broken. The ache swelled, and then it hit me-a realization that struck like a dagger between my ribs.
I was falling for him. For Judas Romanovski. My captor. My tormentor.
“No.” The word escaped me in a strangled whisper like I was trying to deny it. But it wasn’t enough.
The memories surged forward, of everything, the first moment I met his eyes, to the day he chased me down the basement with a blade. He was cruel, why had I ignored it? The way his hand had brushed against mine, the chaotic intensity in his eyes when he thought I was not looking. The softness in his voice couldn’t hide the things he did to me. What the hell was wrong with me?
I gripped my hair, pulling at the roots as if I could yank the feelings out of my skull. “Stop it,” I hissed to myself. “Stop it, stop it, stop it.” My voice broke and splintered into sobs.
Tears poured down my face, hot and endless, as I doubled over, clutching my stomach. The nausea churned with the ache, and I thought for a moment that I might actually throw up. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I couldn’t feel this way for him.
But I did. And the truth of it hollowed me out.
The sobs turned into dry heaves, my body trembling uncontrollably. I stared into the water, imagining its cool embrace. Would it be so bad to sink into it? To let it take me away?
The thought was oddly comforting.
Then behind me I heard the soft sound of footsteps. My breath hitched. Him.
I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Judas. I could feel him, the way the air seemed to shifted and coiled around me was the evidence enough. My shoulders stiffened and my sobs quieted to shallow breaths.
I swallowed hard. “It’s amusing, isn’t it?” I muttered coldly as my fingers traced the edge of the pool. “The irony. Me, kneeling here, wishing I could drown in this goddamn water. While you stand there, watching like you always do.”
He didn’t respond immediately. A moment passed, a two maybe or an eternity. And then, slowly, he stepped closer.
“What happened?” His voice was low, still bearing that softness and I clenched my jaw. “You were fine last night.”
I froze. I was fine last night… before I even realised what was even happening I forgot that he brought me pain after he kissed me. That was the power he had on me. I stayed quiet.
I felt him nearing and in the next moment, he knelt beside me. I didn’t look at him, couldn’t. My gaze remained fixed on the water, on the tiny ripples that seemed to mock the stillness I craved.
“That’s because I was too dumb to understand what was happening,” I murmured. “You threw a little bit of affection at my feet and I was just feeding on it-”
“I meant it,” he interrupted, his voice laced with something raw, something I couldn’t name. “Every word I say, little bird, I mean it with everything I have. I don’t understand your pain, and I don’t know how to do it, only thing I know is that…” His fingers brushed against mine, so lightly it felt like a ghost of a touch. “I can’t imagine it without you.”
I turned to him then, finally meeting his gaze. His pale eyes burned with an intensity that made my breath catch.
“Stop,” I whispered, shaking my head. “Don’t do this. Don’t act like I’m-”
“Everything,” he whispered and I shut my eyes. “You’re everything I never knew I needed. Everything I can’t let go of.”
Tears welled in my eyes again. “Don’t lie, please. I know I don’t mean anything. Cause if I did, I wouldn’t be here, kneeling and crying. My heart wouldn’t be feeling like I was dying. It wouldn’t be hurting… looking at you.”
“And it doesn’t hurt me?” He reached out, his hand cupped my cheek with a gentleness that felt like it might shatter me. “You’re my greatest regret, Seraphina Rosewood. And my greatest weakness. Like a fucking punishment of fate that I can’t escape.”
I pulled back trembling. Did he just… say my name? I swallowed hard and didn’t let the words get to me, but they did no matter how hard I tried. “Then why you keep me in dark,” I whispered. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t know you when you know everything about me?”
I pushed him away with trembling hands, my palms stinging from the force. Judas’s jaw tightened, his dark eyes narrowing as anger flickered across his face. Yes. Get angry. Hit me. Force me so I could hate you more. So I could stop this unbearable ache in my chest.
“That’s for your safety.”
“Safety?” I scoffed harshly wiping my tears. “What safety? I’ve been in danger because of you. You don’t get to decide that anymore!”
“Ptichka,” he growled like he didn’t like the way I was talking back. But I didn’t care. Not anymore.
“You knew, didn’t you? You knew I was working with Ivan. You knew I met Lucius. You knew how pathetic I was, clawing at scraps just to get away from you!” My voice rose, shaking as I took a step closer. “Why did you do it? Why did you pull me out of the fire, only to turn me into ashes yourself?”
He stood there, with contained fury.
“Why did you save me?” My voice cracked as I slammed my fists against his chest. “I hate feeling this way! I hate that every emotion I have is tied to you, when all I get in return is your-your broken heart! Do you even care, Judas? Do you even feel anything for me?”
“Don’t move,” he growled stepping closer as I stumbled back.
“I can’t,” I choked out, shaking my head. “I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep suffocating in this darkness. I can’t keep pretending I’m fine when I know nothing about the man who destroyed my life.”
“Come here,” he snarled taking a step towards me. “We can talk this through-”
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed, stepping back again.
“Don’t be stubborn!”
“Stubborn?” I laughed bitterly as my chest heaved. “Tell me, Judas… do you feel anything for me? Or am I just another pawn?”
He didn’t answer.
I shook my head, the laughter bubbling out of me now hysterical, broken. “Of course. Why would you feel anything for a whore you love to fuck?”
“Don’t,” he warned.
“Why not?” I shot back screaming and crying. My vision was blurred and so was my thoughts. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to. I was breaking, and I could feel it in my bones. It was excruciating and unbearable. I wanted to rip my heart out and squeeze whatever humanity I had left so that I could be like him. Emotion less and apathetic bastard.
“You manipulated me with your damn words, your gentle gestures, into believing there could be something between us. But you know what, Judas? You’re my nightmare. And I’m done pretending otherwise.”
His face was a mask of fury now, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides.
“I miss my family, Judas,” I whispered throwing hands in the air. “I miss my mother. I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to be something. But you-you ruined it all. You destroyed my life, and I want to know why!”
“Come here, ptichka,” he said again and his voice deceptively soft. “I won’t say it again.”
I took a step back. “I’d rather drown-”
My foot slipped, and before I could even scream, I was plunging into the icy water.
The shock stole my breath, the cold slicing through my skin like knives. I thrashed, as my soaked clothes pulled me under.