SARAYA’S POV.
The door behind opened but I was just too weak to see who it was. It’s not like I cared about who came in or went out. I was already lost in a world of my own.
My room was dark and the curtain were drawn to give me the feel of my state: lonely and dark. I could only close my eyes that way.
I felt a hand on my hair and sniff a feminine scent. I don’t need to be told who it was.
She caressed my hair gently. “You wouldn’t leave your room, are you okay?” She asked gently.
I couldn’t reply because I was choked on my tears.
“Good gracious, are you crying?” Mary asked alarmed. She switched on the lamp beside the bed. “What is this about?” She asked.
I only pulled her close and cried out loudly, fortunately she didn’t press any further. She just allowed me in her embrace and patted my back.
Minutes passed as I sobbed into Mary’s embrace. My chest heaved with the effort of crying, but I couldn’t stop. It was as if every emotion I’d buried for days, weeks, maybe months, had erupted all at once leaving me with no chance to catch my breath.
Finally, my sobs began to subside, leaving only the occasional hitch in my breath. Mary pulled back slightly, just enough to look me in the eyes. “I’m sure that helped.”
I nodded. “Yeah… maybe a bit.” I admitted.
“I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong, Saraya,” she said gently. “Talk to me. Please.”
I hesitated, my throat raw from crying. The words were lodged there but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to confide in her.
“It’s everything,” I finally whispered. My voice cracked, and I looked away, ashamed of how small and broken I sounded. “I feel… stuck, lost and it just feels like I’m drowning all by myself.”
Mary’s hand stilled for a moment before she gave my hair a gently stroke. “Why do you feel that way? Is it something specific? Or… someone?”
I hesitated again, biting my lip. She must have noticed my hesitation.
Mary smiled at me, “it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now, we all have something we find hard to talk about. Take all the time you need.”
“It’s my boyfriend,” I said eventually, the name tasting bitter and sweet on my tongue. “I don’t know what I feel anymore. He’s so… complicated. And I hate how much space he takes up in my mind when I don’t even understand where I stand in his life.”
“I’ve got some experience in this line, I’m the right person to talk to about it.” She said drawing a chuckle from me.
“That’ is it, my little girl. You should smile through everything. Human relationships are too complicated to be understood just by thinking.”
“But it’s just too tough.”
Mary wrapped her arms around me, “Saraya,” she said softly, brushing a tear from my cheek, “what exactly is the problem? You’re not the type to break down like this without a reason.”
“I…” My voice faltered, and I shook my head. “It’s just… he says one thing and does another.”
“Who dare he?” Mary asked, then she stood up abruptly. “Tell me where he is,” she demanded, placing her hands on her hips. “How dare he toy with my daughter’s heart like this? I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
Despite the heaviness in my chest, I couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at my lips. Mary’s dramatic display was so over-the-top, so her.
“You’re not going to fight him, are you?” I said, shaking my head, a faint laugh escaping me.
“Why not?” she shot back, her tone indignant but her eyes twinkling. “Someone has to knock some sense into him! Who does he think he is, messing with you like this?”
I chuckled softly, “talking to you makes me feel a lot better.”
“In that case,” she stood up, drawing the curtain and the ray of sunlight flushed in. “You would get up, freshen up, join us at the table and we would go do some shopping for Christmas.”
“Shopping for Christmas?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied firmly, her hands on her hips. “A little distraction is just what you need. We’ll leave the men behind. It’ll just be us, girl time.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You really know how to make me smile.”
She offered me her hand, and I took it gratefully, allowing her to pull me out of the bed. “Good. Now, up you go. I’ll make sure the coffee’s ready for you, and I want you dressed and ready in twenty minutes. You don’t have time to waste.”
“Sounds good, let’s do it.”
“That’s the spirit!” Mary said with a wink before heading out the door. “I’ll be waiting.”
*
The Christmas shopping trip that Mary had promised would be a welcome distraction did little to elevate my situation. Watching as she picked out gifts for almost everyone in her life. There was a gift for everyone including Ian.
“Okay, I think I’ve got something for everyone except… Arlan,” she said, holding up a sleek leather wallet.
My stomach tightened at the mention of his name. “I guess I can’t escape him after all.” I said to myself.
I hated the excitement on her face while picking the wallet for him, if only she knew.
Without thinking, I grabbed the wallet from her and dropped it back on the shelf. It was a little more forceful than I’d intended, but I couldn’t help it.
Mary paused, her face was paled with shock . “Saraya? Why did you do that?” she asked.
I knew my actions had come across being rude. “Why are you buying him a gift? He’s not family.”
The words sounded harsher than I meant, but they spilled out before I could stop them.
“Saraya, hush,” she said, placing a finger on her lips. “Don’t say that anywhere near your father. Arlan has always been family. He’s spent every Christmas with us for years.”
I struggled to breathe through the lump in my throat, trying to push the anger I feel away. “I don’t think he’ll be here this year,” I said quietly, my voice trembling slightly as the words slipped out.
She looked at me suspiciously. “You’ve got a problem with Arlan?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Why should I?”
Mary looked at me, her brows furrowing. “Why dis you say that he won’t be here? It feels like you’re know something I’m not aware of.”
“Because… he’s got his own family now,” I muttered. “I’m sure he joined us because he was lonely. But that’s not the case anymore.” I couldn’t even say Matilda’s name out loud. It felt like acid on my tongue.
Mary blinked, as if my words had caught her off guard. “What do you mean? Having his own family?”
I sighed, feeling the weight of everything crashing down. “Matilda,” I said softly. “He got her pregnant. I’m sure he’s with her now. He should be spending Christmas with her and there is absolutely no need to waste money buying him a gift.”
Mary’s eyes lit into a bright smile, she suddenly clapped her hands together.
“Speaking of which, Matilda could join him for Christmas this year, that could happen, right?” she grabbed the wallet once more time. “We should get her a present, too.”
The suggestion hit me like a punch. “Sounds great.” I muttered. “Not only is she getting Arlan a gift but she is also getting one for Matilda.” I thought and didn’t even realize how tightly I was holding onto my bag until I felt the sharp ache in my fingers. “Ouch!” I left out a yelp.
“What is it, Sara?”
“I think I need to rest,” I said, taking advantage of her concern. “I’m feeling dizzy…”
“Oh, sweetheart, you don’t look well at all. Let’s head back home, okay? You need some rest. We can come shop some other day.”
I nodded numbly, letting her lead me back to the counter to make payment. “Coming here was a bad idea after all.”