ALESSIA
I stared at Claude for a few more minutes before I decided to get up. I needed to go out for a while. Just as I stood up, my husband’s phone, lying beside his bed, suddenly lit up. It was followed by the movement of the cellphone.
Claude’s phone vibrated, and instinctively I moved to the other side of the bed, intending to pick up the phone. But I paused when I read the name on the caller ID.
“Haven Lee,” flashed on the screen. My eyes widened for a few seconds. Who is she? Claude’s girlfriend? Shit!
I suddenly sat down on the edge of the bed. I wanted to grab the phone and answer it. But what will I say if it was Claude’s girlfriend? Can I be mad about this? Can I confront him?
Does this woman have any idea that she’s flirting with someone else’s husband? And Claude, didn’t he even think about how I would feel if I found out about his infidelity?
I remembered the exact words that Claude had for me when we first met, about my physical appearance. It made me wonder what this woman, who was calling his phone right now, looks like? I was too skinny for him, so I assumed that Haven was voluptuous. She probably knew how to dress up well. I could only imagine her in a H***e L***r Bandage dress, Russian red M*c lipstick, and probably a So-K**e L*******n that elevated her statuesque figure more.
That was not the time to feed my insecurity. But I couldn’t help my curiosity. I didn’t know I was feeling so insecure that had I known how this woman looked, I could have used her as my reference for my style.
I heaved a sigh. I forgot. I am nothing to my husband. My mere existence was not of interest to him.
How could I possibly confront someone when in reality, my husband does not honor our marriage?
I finally reached for the cellphone and pressed the end call button. Claude will wake up later, and he will deal with it again. We will be together all night. And now, even at home, that woman is disturbing me.
As I was about to place the phone down, it vibrated again. I almost dropped it out of surprise. Annoyed, I pressed the end call button again. I must have pressed the end call button ten times before Claude’s cellphone finally fell silent. I continued to press it for more than five minutes before I could finally breathe easy. I wanted to turn off the phone, but it was asking for a password. I didn’t have any idea what his password was, so I just left it. But I moved it away from my husband, in case he woke up from the noise that the phone created. Only when I was sure that she stopped calling did I leave the room.
I went to the balcony and stayed there. I tried to compose myself. Why am I irritated with that woman? So what if Claude was seeing someone else? As he often said, we weren’t really married. We only got married because of our parents’ agreement.
Do I have the right to be jealous? No, I don’t. But why did it feel like my heart was being squeezed? Why am I feeling hurt? Is this normal? Maybe because of the fact that we are married that I felt somehow…insulted by his behavior?
I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. I couldn’t help but think deeply. I was lost in thought for a long moment before I heard Claude’s voice. He was talking to someone.
I opened my eyes, and it felt like my feet moved on their own. I found myself standing beside the living room door, listening to the conversation.
“I’m sorry, I was already asleep. Do you need anything?”
“Let’s do it on Monday. I need to rest. I stayed up late last night.”
“I can’t do it tomorrow. I don’t go out on Sundays.”
“I know, that’s why I’m saying sorry.”
“Let’s do it next week. We have all the time next week. But not today or tomorrow.”
“Okay. Thank you. Goodbye, Haven.”
I gasped. But I quickly covered my mouth in fear of being heard by Claude. If he caught me listening, he might freak out and hurt me. When I didn’t hear my husband’s voice anymore, I slowly returned to my seat.
Shit!
I stared into a blank space for a few minutes, clutching my chest. Why am I feeling tightness in my chest? What was that? Am I jealous? I shouldn’t feel that way. I had no right to be jealous or feel bad because that was exactly what Claude wanted to happen.
I took several deep breaths, but my chest only hurt more. Even the corners of my eyes were warming up. As I closed my eyes, tears started to flow.
No! This couldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t cry. I shouldn’t. I don’t have the right.
But my tears kept falling. I covered my mouth before my sobs escaped. Shit!
Why was this happening to me? Why am I experiencing what I had been trying to avoid? I had already been hurt when I fell in love with Jaime. Why did it have to happen again now?
It seemed even more painful now because Claude is my husband. Even if he denied our relationship, we were still seen as husband and wife in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the people. Our marriage is legal. We both signed in front of the judge. It wasn’t fabricated; it really happened.
I tried to stop myself, but it still happened, something I didn’t want.
There were plenty of other men out there. Why did I have to fall for Claude Xavier Robinson? Why did I have to fall for him? It was worse than with Jaime. At least my first love was a good person. But Claude? I couldn’t find anything good about him except for his looks.
Claude would hurt me physically and emotionally. We had been together for less than a month already, but he already made me feel like hell. I am not a bad person. I was still pure when my husband took me. But Claude disregarded that. He didn’t even value me even for a bit.
I was freely used by Claude anytime he wanted. And yet he wasn’t satisfied with me. He looked for other women. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had kept it a secret. But I found out.
I had known for a long time that loving a man who couldn’t love you back hurt. I learned that with Jaime. But it was even more painful when I felt it with my own husband. Could I face him without feeling any pain? Could I face each day without worrying about the pain? How could I last a year if my heart had already fallen for Claude in less than a month?