Christian
Jay is talking, everyone is laughing. He’s teasing, saying things that feels like a sharp knife twisting my soul and all I want is to get out of here. Once again I’m reminded of my dark and sorrow filled childhood.
I’m the black sheep, that doesn’t get the luxury to laugh with the rest.
I’m reminded of Jenna’s word’s, her threats. I want to tell him that she’s mine, simple.
Jenna is mine but she made it clear that anything I say or do would make her leave me for good and I never even knew that something as small as that would make her leave me.
It made me feel our relationship doesn’t feel significant to her.
I’m tortured, it feels like a plague.
I can’t leave, I love her too much, but, I don’t want to be here. For the first time in my entire life I’m scared, for the first time in a long while I’m genuinely scared.
Fear was never a thing I felt before until this afternoon when she hung up on me and then I came here to find her bag in the door but the entire house was empty.
I felt fear when I found out she was hiding from me, the love of my life was hiding from me. Since the time I met her and fantasized our relationship, I felt I didn’t deserve her and she had finally realized it.
I can’t loose her, I would beg to be with her, I’ll pay whatever it takes, anything, material or abstract, I would give to keep her with me.
“Ask her again, maybe this time she wouldn’t say no” I heard Elisa say, I almost choked on the food.
“Mum!” Jenna scolded.
“Jenna, please will you go out on a date with me” Jay asked stretching his hand from across the table to grasp hers.
She turned to my direction but her eyes didn’t meet mine.
“Jay, I’m sorry, I can’t” Jenna said.
I let out my breath and stood up.
She still loves me.
“Please, excuse me” I said and I felt, in seconds I was out the door. I stormed to my car and leaned on it.
I bent down and held my knees. I was trying to tell my brain and my heart that she said no, but my body was reacting as if she said yes.
I felt sick to my stomach, I didn’t feel so good.
“Christian” Jenna whispered, I stood straight and went quickly for a hug, I wanted to hold her to me
I pulled her closer into my body and held her tight.
“I’m sorry” I apologized kissing her hair multiple times, taking in her scent, it calmed me down.
“Why are you apologizing ” she asked pulling out slightly.
“For the obvious reasons, Jenna. I’m sorry for the joke earlier, I didn’t mean for it to get serious, I’m sorry for making you angry or regret us”
Her face was impassive, straight. She was letting nothing out. I became anxious, was she trying to break up again, had I done something wrong again.
“Tell me what you don’t like and I’m ready to change it” I proposed.
“You don’t have to change for anybody, not even me” she turned said and she leaned on my car, she turned to see if anyone was coming. No one was coming.
I steadied my breathing.
“There are a couple of things I don’t like” she said. She looked up at me but quickly looked away.
I held her chin up so that she would meet my eyes.
“Don’t look away from me, please. I want to make things right, talk to me”
“The violence being the first” she said.
I closed my eyes.
“I’m not violent…”
“You tied Daniel in chains, put Sean in a coma, pointed a gun at Richard, remember what you did to Kay?”
“They all put their hands on you one way or the other, I’m going to apologize for any of it” I was serious, I would never sorry for it.
“Not just them, let’s leave them apart. The scars on your knuckles, don’t think I don’t see the scars on your body, the new ones too, I never ask but it doesn’t mean I don’t see them. How often do you get in flights elsewhere”
I moved away from her and rested my back against the car, I stared long and hard at the dark night sky. I hoped that she wouldn’t take my silence for repulsiveness.
“Marcellino told me that you went to boarding school at seven” I turned to look at her. “Is it true?”
“I did, it’s true”
“You never told me”
“I didn’t want to, I’m ashamed of. . You didn’t have a choice you were only seven”
“I guess he failed tell you it was a correction facility, to nasty and naughty kids”
She was quiet.
“What else did he tell you?”
“Nothing much, he was guarded, he said you pushed a guy off the stairs because he said you were impulsive ”
I shut my eyes tight, trying to turn off the feelings. The memories.
“He shouldn’t have told you, he shouldn’t have, it wasn’t his place, I was supposed to tell you when I feel right about it ” I said through gritted teeth.
Jenna was staring at my hands, I released them from the fist they had formed and I spread my fingers at my side.
She looked scared of me. Jesus.
“Jenna, I’m sorry. I’m not the best man in the world, and you deserve more, too much more than me, if I could be someone more calm, with finesse, someone funny and normal, I would do it in a heartbeat”
“Why are you like this?”
My demons were coming to eat me up.
I knew exactly what she was talking about, ta-da. Good job Christian, you’ve succeeded in ruining the only relationship that mattered to you.
What had tipoed the cup, she was happy until this afternoon.
We were fine even after I had Kay’s blood on my knuckles… Larissa.
Larissa must have said something to her and she lied about it.
“Marcellino probably didn’t tell you this but, at the age of five, I remember it vividly, nit was raining that day. I walked in on my dad having sex with someone else, his mistress and he had brought her to his matrimonial bed, he had no respect. I knew it wasn’t my mum. I saw the woman and she smiled at me like a nymph. My mum had blonde hair and my mum was out that day, the house keeper had gotten home ten minutes earlier. Seeing something like that would do something to a kid. I couldn’t talk about it but I was angry, somehow I didn’t understand his life worked but I knew it was wrong, as I grew up I became angrier at him, because the more I understood things, the more I knew he was the devil. He sent me off to correctional boarding school but the damage had already been done, I was already traumatized. Marcellino was so perfect, everybody was perfect, even my dad who was devil was glorified while I was hated. I don’t think you’ll want to hear any of it” I said to her but she walked towards me, held my face and pulled me to her in a kiss.
This was what I needed, her, just her. My angel.
I took over, deepened it, pulled her waist to me, I owned it, I cupped her face and kissed her as if my entire existence depended on it.
When we pulled out to find our breaths, her eyes were burning with want for me, pity and sympathy but primarily, want.
She looked from my eyes to the car and she didn’t even need to say anything else, I fished my hand into my back pocket and pulled the key.
I desperately needed to be buried inside her pussy at this very moment, all I needed was her.