When I stepped into the pool area, my breaths were laborer and loud, as if I had just run a marathon. I was inhaling oxygen through my open mouth, and my vision was blurred due to small tears in my eyes.
I was still not over what Jayden said in the morning and now with this dance incident, I am about to get promoted, and I could see in the eyes off the colleagues how they are seeing it now.
I shouldn’t have lost myself in the heat of the moment.
I even went so close to Marvin. How am I supposed to meet my gaze with him? I know he wanted to stop me to tell me that everything is fine and that I shouldn’t overthink but I can’t help. He is really understanding and I know that his intentions are pure but it is just me.
Lost in my thoughts, I was suddenly pulled back into reality when I heard that voice the of the man who had caused the storm in my life and still I am unable to forget him.
“Tereso'” the voice whispered, sending a shiver down my spine.
I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. Why can’t he just leave me alone for a few minutes?
I really need space to understand what exactly is going on my life, to sort things out, and to think about what I need to do next.
When I didn’t turn around or make any moves, he walked forward and stood in front of me.
“Nara” he said, speaking my name so softly that it momentarily sent a jolt through my heart.
I have already seen his real face, which is very cruel and cold. I don’t want any fake sympathy from him.
“Why have you come here? Just go inside and enjoy the party for which you are here” I told him in a rude tone.
“I never came here for the party ” he replied, his gaze steady. “I came here for you ”
“Why? For the last 4 years, you have not been with me and it was my decision to stay alone. I was and am happy without you” I didn’t want him to stay in any misconception, that’s why I cleared myself.
“But this is also a fact that you haven’t moved on yet. You don’t like the touch of any other male” he stated it, looking deep into my eyes as if he wasn’t asking it to me but rather telling the facts. “Tell me if you didn’t see me in him when you opened your eyes ”
I gulped and my eyes dilated a bit. How could he know so much about me?
“Tell me, Nara” Ansell urged, his voice filled with a persistent intensity.
He reached and tenderly pushed some stray hairs over my shoulder. His hand then rested over my shoulder and his touch brought back all those memories.
“Go away, Ansell. I don’t want you”
I twisted my shoulder to make myself free from his touch and he dropped his hand down.
“I know you don’t want me at the moment but you are not even ready to accept anyone else. Why?” He asked.
“I don’t think it is necessary to answer all of your questions. And don’t worry, I will accept someone when I find a perfect match ” I told him.
I could see a flash of regret passing through his eyes. It was clear that he was jealous of my proximity to Marvin and I was thinking about some other male. He is not over it yet.
“Ask your heart, Nara. Can you truly accept someone else?” He inquired, taking a caution step closer.
As he came closer, his breath fanned my face, and I could tell he was heavily drunk. The only difference was that this time he was in control, unlike in the past. Maybe in these years of separation, he must have drunk so much that he has become habitual to it.
“After what you have done to me, I am sure I would accept anyone who would take care of me. A little bit of love and care would be enough for me” I told him in a harsh tone.
Even when I loved him, I didn’t want him to love me back with the same intensity. I just wanted a little bit of love and care from his side but in those few months, he showed me hell. And now I am so scared if going back that even if his regret and guilt are real, it just feels like a drama.
He sighed and looked down as if he were feeling guilty. But I know all of this is just a drama to gain my sympathy. This man could never change.
“I regret every moment of it, Nara” he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper, dripping guilt and remorse. “The words could not tell my pain”
He sighed as he looked up.
“You don’t know how much I love you. Every day without you felt like a year” he added, locking his gaze with me
“From the first day we met, you became the light of my life, Nara. You brought me to the right path but my ignorance ruined everything for us”
His lower lips quivered as he poured out his emotions. I have never seen him so vulnerable before.
“You were always saying that I was destroying our beautiful relationship but I didn’t hear you”
His chin shivered and it seemed like he was trying his best not to break down in front of me.
“After you left, I realised what a grave mistake I had committed by doing all that to you. I lost my sanity, I lost my mind, I lost myself and in the passion of having you in my life, I even lost you”
He gulped down the emotions that were building in his throat. His eyes were shinning because of the small tears in them. I have never seen him cry before.
Standing at this point, it seems like separation does not only have an effect on me. It has changed him as well. He was not a person who showed his emotions so easily. And he used to get mad if I thought about any other male. I could still see the same possessiveness and jealousy in his eyes for me when I was with Marvin but he didn’t create any issues like a psycho, the way he used to do before when he lost his sanity completely.
But does that mean I will forget everything about the past?
“But at that time, I just wanted you in my life, nothing else, and I was ready to do anything for it. The more you were trying to go away from me, the more I was trying to keep you with me. In all that, you suffered so much that I didn’t even realize ”
He closed his eyey and exhaled. His closed eyes gave me a chance to look at him. The usual glow from his face was missing. His facial features have become stern and it seems like he hasn’t even smiled for ages.
When he opened them, there were no tears in his eyes anymore.
“Though these six years helped me in self realization, they were like hell to me. You at least had Jayden. But I had no one” his voice quivered. “Every minute I was burning in the fire of loneliness”
I could feel the pain in every word he said. But still, my heart was not ready to forgive him. I can’t forgive. I can’t.
“I was alone completely physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I can’t tell you in words how much I regretted it”
“This was exactly your punishment, Ansell. Why have you come back?”
I finally broke my silence.
“I left you without putting any charges on you because I wanted you to realise how much I loved you and how you loved me. When I was with you, I tried to warn you multiple times and gave you many chances but you didn’t realise your mistake back then, and now it is of no use. We are no longer together, and I do not want your apologies. And if you are really regretting it, then just don’t show me your face ever again ” my voice came out emotionless and cold.
I could see the same helplessness in his eyes, which was once in mind and he didn’t have any mercy on me. I looked away before I could get swayed by his fake emotions.
“Please Nara. I am ready to bear any punishment that you give but staying without you is just like death for me. And… And now since I know we also have a son, it has become even more agonizing for me. It hurts to know that o can’t give even the fatherly love to my son when he deserves the world”
He was trying to get attention, to make me look at him but I didn’t.
“It suffocates me. It feels like someone has put me in a grave. I can’t breathe without you. When I said that you are my lifeline, I meant it”
I couldn’t stop my eyes from moving toward him.
“Please, Nara, come back to my life. I promise I will give you everything that o have snatched from you. I just want you, my son, and my family to come back to me. I am ready to give up anything for you”
He was almost begging but I stayed unmoved at my place. I could see his whole body shivering. If we were not at the place where anyone could come at any time, then I am sure he must have gone on his knees to beg.
“I know you also love me but I ruined everything for us, which could have been so beautiful. I don’t have words to apologize, and I know that the grave mistakes that I have committed don’t deserve forgiveness but I still to do everything in my power to make up for them. Please beat me and put me in fire but please don’t cut myself off from you. It hurts the most. Please, I beg you, Nara ”
He blinked, trying to sweep in the tears.
“This time, I want to become the reason for your happiness, not tears like I always wanted”
He was looking forward to me saying anything and I couldn’t hold myself any longer.
“I can’t Ansell. I can never come back to you”
I told him clearly and I could see that his broke at my words. He stopped breathing and his eyes became stone but breathing and his eyes became stone but didn’t move my resolve. His whole body was shivering like a leaf. At this point, I knew that if he didn’t go, then I would break down into tears.
“I can never love u like before. I can never accept you. Just leave me alone ”
It took him a second to discern my words. He gulped and cocked his head.
“I will leave you but the day you will forget me, the day you will move on. O will leave you alone happily the day I would see that smile on your face again. If you find someone who could make you smile and laugh like me, love and protect like me, I will leave you. I promise ”
I closed my eyes and a tear escy one of my eyes without me knowing about it.
I feel his thumb gently wiping away the tear from my cheek.
“The day it will happen, I will leave before you could even know about it”
And in a flas of a second, his touch was gone, leaving me feeling alone. Suddenly, it felt like someone had taken my soul away from me.
My eyes slowly opened and I found a manly figure standing in front of me and this time I was sure it wasn’t Ansell.