“Jothea?”
I looked up at the person who had called me. She was ahead of me, waiting in line with me. “Jothea!” she verified as our gazes connected.
“Atacia, it’s you! What are you doing here?” I inquired when I saw her. She was our class president.
She smiled at me. “I have relocated here. Living here brings me closer to Marcus University. I’m working there now as a part-time instructor,” she explained, which impressed me. It’s amusing to learn that she landed a job just a month after we graduated. The nicest part is that it’s still at our alma mater. “You? How are you? How are you and Professor?”
My smile faded as I heard her query. “Huh? Ah…” I couldn’t respond immediately since I wasn’t sure how Ismael and I were doing. How are we? Are we still together? I thought I could stop thinking about him, but not yet.
“I saw him recently. He visited Marcus University.”
I stared at Atacia. Why does he appear before them? Why not in front of me? Did I do something wrong? “By the way, do you have time today? I’d like to tell you something. Could we talk?”
I sighed as I nodded. Based on her tone of voice, I believe it was a serious situation. Atacia and I are not close enough for her to speak to me. Perhaps I do need to know what she wants to say.
We decided to hang around in front of the convenience store first. It’s close to the store where we got our groceries. Atacia purchased a drink while I placed the baked macaroni in the microwave inside the convenience store, and I just paid to heat it up.
“Eat,” I offered her, setting a tub of ice cream on the table.
“Wow, that’s a lot, girl! You are supposed to be the only one who eats that.” Atacia asked me.
“Yes, because it’s my birthday.”
Her lips were glistening with delight and happiness as I could see that she was surprised by what I said. “Oh! Happy birthday! What do you want as a present? I apologize for troubling you today. I worried that we wouldn’t have another chance to talk. Maybe you are too busy.”
I shake my head. “I don’t have anything going on. Furthermore, I am alone, so your presence is sufficient. It’s fine with me. You’re not bothering me, Atacia.”
“Are you alone? You don’t have Prof. with you?”
Again, I shook my head. “Yeah, I never saw him again after he turned his back on me.” I averted my gaze from her and attempted to control my emotions. It is awkward to cry outside. Many people will see. The sun is still too high. “What are you going to say?” I altered the subject.
“You see, I knew it.” She bowed and smiled sparingly. “Actually, I know that you have a secret relationship with Professor Mondalla,” she went on to say. I immediately felt tears rise in my eyes. Fuck. Even these tears leave me. “Remember that day, our foundation day? Professor Mondalla called you. I picked you up, didn’t I?”
I recall that day. When they forced me to wear a wedding gown, “Yes.”
“That’s where my suspicion started, because I saw that your lipstick had been erased even though you hadn’t eaten,” she went on to say. I’m not sure where this conversation is headed. I am nervous. I have a feeling I will be aware of something painful. “I assumed you two kissed.” I swallowed. That was the second time Ismael had kissed me without warning. That also astonished me when he did that out of the blue. I felt like I was being taken advantage of.
“But I kept it with me and validated it when Professor Enciso’s wife raised a stir in our class after Raviel showed us the video that Professor Mondalla just used you. I’m not convinced, and if I felt sorry for you, I felt even worse for him.”
I frowned. “W-what do you mean?”
She held my hand. “When Professor Mondalla paid Dean Dator a visit a few weeks ago, I happened to overhear their chat. He was asked to explain everything. Jothea, everything he stated was a lie. He never used you. Instead, he protected you. Because if he professes his feelings for you, what will others think of you? You might not even graduate.”
It was like cold water was dumped over me. I could not talk. Is this really the truth about Ismael’s lies to me? Why isn’t he showing me this? If he has an explanation, why is he still leaving me alone?
“Dean Dator asked him to return to teaching, but Professor Mondalla declined. He stated he was getting married soon; therefore, he would be unable to return.”
Tears suddenly flowed from my eyes. Pieces of information appeared to be glued together in my head. Is Ismael getting married? Is this why he isn’t showing himself to me anymore? Is this why he returned the book to me? Is this why I can’t call him anymore?
Is it true that he will accept his fate and leave me?
Then the woman I saw with him the last time must be the woman he will marry.
It’s as if reality hit me. I was never taught that everything that seems too nice to be true is usually not true. Ismael helped me feel and taste a different type of happiness, which I will never experience again in my life. And the truth tears me apart.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to Atacia because I was in a hurry to depart. I did not even bring my meal. Where else could this be for? Where else can I celebrate my birthday? I simply want to die.
I absolutely despise him. I resent him so much.
I loathe you, Ismael, to the deepest part of my soul.
*****
I looked at the cake that was waiting for me on the table. There is also Champagne. But instead of being delighted, I became even angrier.
“You’re getting married, right? Why are you giving this to me?” I questioned, was annoyed, and then took the cake and champagne before leaving my house. I tossed it aside before looking around. “I know you see me, Ismael! I’m not sure if you’re just driving me crazy or what. But I can’t take it anymore! I’m so tired of this!”
It’s crazy. Especially when I consider what I learnt everything earlier. So that’s it? I’m relieved that he didn’t use me, but is it my right to know that he will marry someone else and not me? The fact that I learnt that news from a classmate makes my heart shatters more. What if Atacia and I never cross paths? Then I will be stupid waiting for someone who won’t be back.
My teeth tightened as I stared at the shattered cake on the grass. I frowned when I noticed something written there. What the hell?
I sat down to review what was written on top of it. Because I was angry before, I didn’t see that it didn’t say ‘Happy Birthday’. Fuck. In any event, rage does no good. I tried to remember the letter I had seen before, but I couldn’t. The only thing remaining on top of the cake is the letter “b-e-s-c.” What does this mean?
My hunger growled, so I couldn’t help but devour the cake, even though I had already dropped it to the grass. On my birthday, I should be eating baked macaroni and ice cream, but instead I’m crying in the garden while sipping champagne from a bottle.
I sobbed endlessly like an idiot, shouting at the sky. This will be the last time I genuinely cry for him. I don’t want to hope he comes back because he’s getting married.
I cried again. I’ll simply drown myself in wine. “Thank you for the wine! Because I have nothing to buy something expensive like this!” I gulped the champagne and laid down on the grass. I merely stared at the sky, my eyes gradually filling with tears.
I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I am going to lose my mind.
My eyelids felt heavy, so I carefully closed my eyes and went to sleep.
Happy birthday, Jothea, even if you’re not actually happy.
*****
“Tsk. Who in her right mind would sleep on the grass?” I heard a man say something. I tried but couldn’t open my eyes. I’m terribly sleepy. Perhaps it’s because I drank so much champagne.
Suddenly, I felt a warm, rough hand on my body. I even moaned because of it. He picked me up. “I was going to surprise you today by coming here, but look at yourself; you’re intoxicated. You didn’t even wait for me to celebrate your birthday. You threw the cake and drank all the champagne yourself.”
The next sound I heard was that of a smart door lock. Then I felt myself being lowered onto a nice bed.
I overheard him sigh. “You’re a selfish woman. How will you survive without me? Are you going to be like this forever?”
When I tried to open my eyes, a man confronted me with a frightened expression. “Ismael, you’re here,” I muttered, closing my eyes as if out of control. I am dreaming again. And now he’s back for another visit. How am I expected to move forward from here?
I rubbed my eyes with my arm as I started to cry again. I just stated I’d forget about him, but here I am, envisioning him right in front of me.
“I am. What are you doing with your life?”
I laughed. “What’s going on with my life? Can’t you see that I have no life at all?
He didn’t respond. I began sobbing again. I’m very inebriated. I was speaking to Ismael in my dream. The funny thing is, he responds to me.
“Why do you torture me, Ismael? Why aren’t you showing yourself? Why don’t you explain?” I asked one inquiry after another before rising and sitting down again. I bowed down because I couldn’t meet his gaze and realized he wasn’t real; I was just losing my mind to see him.
“That’s why I’m here to explain, but you’re intoxicated. How do I do that, woman?”
“It was you who gave me the wine! I’ve wanted to drink for a long time to forget my misery, but I don’t have any money.”
“Tsk.” He wiped my tears. “And you’re crying because of that?”
I shake my head. “I am crying because of you! You left me! You made me nuts. And here I am imagining that you are truly present, despite the fact that you were the root cause of my insanity.”
“Look at me.” He held my chin. “Look at me, Jothea. I am here.” I sighed and gasped when I saw the face of the person I love. I shed even more tears. I touched his face. “Ismael…”
“Yes, this is me. Have you forgotten your lover’s face?
I shook my head while hugging him. “Why only now have you appeared before me? Why did you leave me?”
“I left you because it was necessary given the circumstances. I do not want to damage your life. That is what I told you, correct? I don’t want to disturb you, and now that you’re finally doing what you enjoy and working hard for your goals, how am I expected to re-enter? I was attempting to contact you, but my timing was always off, just like this.”
I closed my eyes. I want to talk to him, but I’m tired. I could feel his body clinging to mine, as if he wanted me to relax. This is my home. This is where I belong.
“So, I just did what I promised, and it was perfectly prepared. The only thing missing is you, my love.”
I scratched my ear, attempting to determine whether I was deaf. Because I’m so drowsy, I just keep hearing his speech, but nothing comes to mind to understand. I attempted to open my eyes again, but they wanted to close. I feel like I’m battling my own consciousness.
I stopped clutching him, and the face I’d been waiting for appeared. I felt agony in my heart again. “Are you really getting married, Ismael?” I asked loudly and sobbed, but the only response he gave me was a warm kiss on the forehead before laying me down on the bed again. Once more, it felt as if his lips were going to touch my eyelids. I am so sleepy.
I appreciated how he arranged the blanket for me and even placed a pillow under my head. The next thing I knew, something tickled my ears-it was his breath. I sniffed when I smelt his scent. God, I missed it.
“Yes, I’ll get married. We will, Jothea.”