SEBASTIAN’S POV
I tightened my fist, my knuckles turning white as I stared down at the floor. The memory clawed its way back, uninvited and relentless.
It wasn’t something I wanted to remember, much less something I wanted to share. But I’d made her a promise-no more secrets, no matter how dark or shameful. Sasha deserved the truth, even if it painted me in a light I despised.
“Sebastian…” Her voice was soft, cautious, as though she feared her words might tip me over the edge.
“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard. I can see this hurts you.”
I shook my head, refusing her offer of an escape. “No. You deserve to know, Sasha. I can’t hide this from you. Not after everything we’ve been through.”
Her hand reached out, brushing lightly against my clenched fist. The warmth of her touch was grounding, but it didn’t erase the guilt. If anything, it amplified it.
I drew in a deep, uneven breath and looked her in the eyes. “It’s not easy to talk about, but I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.”
She nodded, her expression unreadable but her eyes brimming with patience. I began slowly, each word feeling like a weight I had to drag to the surface.
“It started a few weeks before we were supposed to get married,” I said.
“My childhood friend-her name was Emilia-reached out to me. She’d been sick for a long time, and the doctors had given up on her. They said there was no cure.”
“But Emilia wasn’t ready to die, not yet. She’d found someone who claimed to have a medicine, something experimental, and she begged me to help her get it.”
Sasha stayed quiet, her fingers lightly tracing over mine. Her silence wasn’t one of judgement, but of encouragement. It gave me the courage to keep going.
“At first, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help her, but the whole thing sounded… shady.”
“The person selling the medicine wasn’t exactly a reputable dealer. And the price wasn’t just money, it came with strings attached.” My voice faltered, and I looked away, shame flooding my chest.
Sasha didn’t press me. She just waited, her presence steady and unwavering.
“The woman selling the medicine… she had a condition,” I continued, my voice barely above a whisper.
“She didn’t want money. She wanted… something else. Something I wasn’t willing to give.”
I could feel Sasha’s breath hitch, but she said nothing. Her grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly, a silent signal that she was listening, that she wanted me to go on.
“She wanted me to… to sleep with her,” I said, the words tasting like poison as they left my mouth. “I said no. Of course, I said no. I told her I was engaged, that I loved you.”
“But she didn’t care. She said it was the only way I’d get the medicine. And Emilia-she didn’t have much time left. She was desperate, and so was I.”
I paused, my throat thick with emotion. Sasha’s hand moved to my cheek, her thumb brushing against my skin. “You don’t have to-”
“No,” I interrupted, my voice firmer now. “You need to hear this, Sasha. I need to say it.”
She nodded, her touch never leaving my face.
“I tried to find another way. I begged her, offered her more money, but she wouldn’t budge. She said it was her price, take it or leave it. And Emilia… she was dying, Sasha.”
“She was my friend. She’d been there for me when no one else was. I couldn’t just let her die.”
The memory was suffocating, each detail pulling me deeper into the shame I’d tried so hard to bury.
“I hated myself for it,” I admitted, my voice breaking. “Every second of it. I kept thinking about you, about how I was betraying you.”
” But I told myself it was for a good reason, that it was to save a life. That was the only way I could get through it.”
Sasha’s eyes glistened, but she didn’t speak. Her silence felt like both a blessing and a curse.
“When it was over, I got the medicine,” I said, my words coming out in a rush, as if saying them quickly would lessen their weight.
“I raced back to Emilia’s place, but… I was too late. She was already gone.”
The memory of finding her lifeless body hit me like a punch to the gut. I closed my eyes, trying to push it away, but it was useless.
“I’d done it for nothing,” I said, my voice barely audible.
“I’d betrayed you, tainted myself, and for what? She was gone. There was nothing I could do to bring her back.”
I felt a tear escape, and I quickly wiped it away, not wanting Sasha to see me like this. But she saw. Of course, she saw. And instead of pulling away, she leaned in closer.
“Sebastian,” she said, her voice trembling. “I… I don’t even know what to say.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” I said quickly, my heart pounding.
“I don’t expect anything. I just needed you to know. I promised no more secrets, and I meant it.”
She was quiet for a long moment, her eyes searching mine. Finally, she spoke, her voice steady despite the tears that threatened to fall.
“You were put in an impossible situation,” she said. “I can’t imagine how much it hurt you to make that choice. And I won’t lie-hearing this hurts. But Sebastian, you didn’t do it for yourself.”
“You did it to save someone you cared about. That doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t make you a monster either.”
Her words were a balm I didn’t feel I deserved, but I clung to them nonetheless.
“I hated myself for it,” I repeated, my voice cracking.
“Every day, I tried to forget, to bury it. But it’s always been there, lurking in the back of my mind. I just… I couldn’t carry it anymore, Sasha. I had to tell you.”
She nodded, her hand slipping back into mine. “Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn’t easy.”
Her forgiveness wasn’t immediate, and I didn’t expect it to be. But the fact that she was still here, still holding my hand, was more than I deserved.
As the silence stretched between us, I felt a small sliver of hope.