L

My heart tightened, and my stomach churned. Does he never want children, or is it just not the right time yet? Will he ever want them?
One thing is for sure: I won’t leave Gio. I love him, but can I really handle a life without having my own child? It’s my dream to have a mini-me, someone to shower with all the love I have within me.
“Li-li!” Tobias tugged my hand, so I looked at him. He showed me his toys.
I squatted down to be at his eye level. He looked so much like Raffaele, like a little demon.
“Oh, that’s a nice toy. How about Laureine? Do you have your toy with you?” I gently pinched Laureine’s cheek. She showed me her teddy bear.
I played with them, forgetting my worries as I interacted with the kids. My playtime with them ended when they needed to go home.
“Bye, Aunty Li!” They couldn’t quite manage my full name, probably because it’s a bit complicated for them. I waved to them as they left, feeling a sense of emptiness inside me. Maybe this is something that’s difficult to change about myself, my emotional attachment to certain things.
“Millie…”
I stood up from where I had been sitting. I hadn’t socialized much with other people because my mind was wandering.
“What are you doing here? Let’s go home.”
I walked out of the house after bidding our farewells.
I was quiet on the entire journey home. I really wanted to tell Gio that I wanted to have children, but how do I say it? If only I were sure that he loved me or had feelings for me, I would have probably shared my feelings with him more quickly.
How long will I wait for his aversion to having children to change? Will we go through life without having children?
I inhaled sharply as I felt Gio’s hand on my thigh. He gently caressed it, and I found myself staring at him.
“Why are you so quiet?”
If it were a normal night, I’d tease Gio, but not this time. My thoughts had been preoccupied because Gio and I had differing views on having children.
It might be too early to dwell on this, I knew, but was he truly not open to the idea of having children?
“Nothing,” I said.
I could tell he sensed something was off with the way I was speaking. Gio briefly furrowed his brow and looked at me.
“Tell me. I know something’s bothering you.”
I nervously played with my hand. I took a deep breath before expressing what was on my mind.
“About the birth control pills, Gio. Should I… continue to take them?” I couldn’t directly tell him that what was bothering me was the issue of having children.
He looked at me again for a moment. “Yes, absolutely, Millie.”
A heaviness settled in my chest. It meant he still wasn’t open to having children. I’d continue to take the pills because he wanted to ensure I didn’t get pregnant.
“For how long?” I asked.
Gio’s jaw tensed, and I noticed him gripping the steering wheel tightly. He removed his hand from my thigh.
I closed my eyes, realizing this wasn’t a good sign. I braced myself for what he might say.
“Where is this conversation heading?” His voice carried a heavy burden. It felt like I was talking to a distant Gio, someone I wasn’t familiar with, like back when I was still learning to understand his emotions, when I used to be so afraid of him.
“Never mind that I asked.”
I just looked out the window, even though the truth was that I was hurt again.
I didn’t speak to Gio anymore, fearing that we might end up arguing. We had just made up, and I didn’t want to give us another reason not to talk to each other.
Gio went straight to our room, and I followed him. We both remained silent, and it felt like we were avoiding each other. We couldn’t even make eye contact.
Once we entered the room, I stopped. I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t carrying a heavy burden. Children were a part of our married life, and I knew that some didn’t want them, but I did. I wanted to know Gio’s reasons or if he had any plans for it, even if it wasn’t now, just to let go of my thoughts.
“Gio,” I called out to him. He had his back to me, and even when I called, he didn’t turn around. “I want a baby.”
I clenched my hand, waiting for him to face me. I saw him freeze at what I said. It was as if he had expected me to bring it up but didn’t want to hear it. His reflexes spoke volumes on this matter, and even without words, I felt I had my answer.
Gio slowly turned to face me. His eyes were dark and cold, just like the old Gio. He was the Gio I first met, not the one I had fallen deeply in love with. The Gio I loved, even if his expression seemed cold, still showed other emotions. But the Gio in front of me? There was nothing but a dark and icy stare.
“I don’t want to have it, Millie.”
His emotions were concealed and guarded. He used to slowly allow me to see his emotions, but now he was hiding them again.
“Why? Tell me your reason, Gio. Help me understand. Is it because I’m your wife? You don’t want to have children with me?”
“No, it has nothing to do with that, Millie,” Gio firmly closed his eyes, visibly struggling to explain. “I just don’t like having kids.”
I shook my head. “I know that’s not the only reason, Gio. Please, tell me. I want to understand why. Because I feel like I’m the problem, and that’s why you don’t want to have children.”
I sighed, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. Since we discussed this earlier, we hadn’t brought it up again. It was coming up now.
“I want to understand, Gio. Let me understand.”
Gio shook his head, seemingly done with the conversation. He turned away from me and started walking away.
I quickly followed him. I wouldn’t let him leave me with unanswered questions again, like he did the first time. I wanted answers.
I grabbed his arm and walked in front of him. I knew Gio was physically stronger than me, so I couldn’t easily stop him from walking.
“I know you don’t have any feelings for me. I’m just here to be your wife, just to have a spouse to introduce to everyone. I accept that, Gio! And if you don’t want to have children with me just because we agreed upon it, tell it to my face! So I know, so I can accept it, and so I never hope that I’ll have a child someday!”
It had been a while since I last cried, but now I was crying in front of Gio again, and there was nothing I could do.
“Stop crying! Tears don’t fix anything!”
“I’ll accept it, Gio! I’ll accept it if I’m the reason because I want you to tell me!”
In my weakness, the hand that had been holding onto Gio’s arm slipped down. I wanted to laugh at myself. Here I was, pleading for something I knew couldn’t be given by anyone else.