“I’m not sad,” Gio held my hand.
He let go of it and moved slightly away from me. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, his emotions had vanished once more. It was as if he had pushed them to the back of his mind, so no one could see. Why was he so determined to protect his emotions? As if he was hiding something, and revealing it would be a disgrace to him.
I wanted to tell Gio that when it’s just the two of us, he can show everything to me. I wouldn’t criticize or judge him, because I had a strong feeling… we were the same. We both had fears and a past we were running from.
“You don’t have to leave, Gio. I’m sorry; my emotions got the best of me earlier,” I bit my lip to keep from saying more than I wanted to.
“Millie…” He paused for a moment before taking a deep breath. “In the future, there might be more things I can say or do that will hurt you. I will hurt you again.”
My lips quivered. I bowed my head, trying to conceal my emotions from him.
“That’s my way-the only way I know how to protect you… from myself and everyone else.”
Why did he have to protect me from himself?
“I am not the prince charming of your dreams, Millie. I am a person incapable of love, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.” His words stung.
I knew that someone like him, ruthless and heartless, might be unfit for love. Gio didn’t have those kinds of emotions. I just couldn’t help but hope.
“Always remember that I will protect you. There are things I might say in front of others that could hurt you, but it’s because I’m protecting you. If my enemies see you as someone I hold dear, they’ll target you until they break me, destroy me. Your life will be in danger.” He touched my cheek, so I lifted my head to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry… if I hurt you, Millie.”
There was something comforting in his apology. He didn’t often apologize, and not many people made the effort to apologize to me. They thought I was okay with things. But Gio was different. “I’m sorry too, Gio.”
He wiped away tears that I hadn’t realized were falling down my cheeks. “Stop crying. I don’t like seeing you cry.”
~*~
I decided to stay. I changed into my pajamas while Gio took a shower in the bathroom.
As I lay there, I couldn’t help but think about everything that had happened earlier. I was still hurting from what occurred, but it was accompanied by Gio’s apology and the emotions he struggled to hide from me.
Suddenly, it occurred to me that Gio often said things that contradicted his actions. The question was, which was the truth? Should I believe everything he said, or what he showed me when we were alone?
The bed moved, and I knew Gio was here. The scent of musk and aftershave filled my nose. He smelled so good.
I was facing away from him, so I quickly pretended to be asleep, even though I was wide awake, thinking about various things.
The duvet moved, and I gasped, closing my eyes, only to open them again.
My eyes widened as I felt Gio’s hand wrapping around me for a hug from behind. I could feel his chest against my back and his breath on my neck, sending shivers through me that I couldn’t comprehend.
“Gio…”
Even though I was pretending to be asleep, I couldn’t help but call out to him. My heart was racing so fast it felt like it wanted to burst out of my chest.
I wanted to turn towards him, but I knew his face was too close to mine. His face was buried in my neck as he held me tightly.
“Those things I said, none of them were true, Millie,” he spoke in a low, deep voice.
I froze because that was the only thing I had been thinking about earlier.
“I just had to tell him that to ensure he’s not going to hurt you.”
I thought what he said earlier was enough, but now he’s explaining! I hadn’t expected Gio to explain further, considering what he had already said. But now, he was telling me in a way that I could better understand, rather than cryptic words that I had to decipher in my mind.
“I didn’t expect that I was the one hurting you. I apologize.”
My lips parted, but the words got stuck in the air. What should I say? I wanted to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth. Moreover, my thoughts were tangled, and I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.
I turned to face Gio. The room was so dark that I couldn’t see his expression clearly.
“It’s not true that you can just…” I couldn’t finish what I wanted to say. It’s not true that you can just replace me so easily. That’s what I wanted to say, but the words that followed wouldn’t come out.
“None of it was true, Millie. I wasn’t thinking straight at that time. All I was thinking was how to get you out unharmed. I didn’t realize that saying those words would make you feel bad. I didn’t mean that.”
I couldn’t speak. I was surprised by what Gio said. He had never been so vocal with me, not until now. I felt he was still holding back, but he genuinely wanted to convey that he didn’t mean to say all of that earlier.
“Why are you telling me this now? You don’t need to explain. You already told me that you’re not my prince charming and that you’ll hurt me in the future. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay for me,” he cut me off. “I don’t want you to leave or even think of leaving because you think you’re worthless. I don’t want you to compare me to your father because we’re different, Millie. I’m not like your father…”
I felt like he wanted to add more to what he said, but he chose to end it there.
My eyes welled up. Despite often feeling hesitant about what I could do in front of Gio, I hugged him and buried my face in his neck. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep while holding him.
Gio’s words no longer troubled me because he had explained them again. Since the day I was apprehended, I felt our relationship had improved. Gio was still reserved, but I felt him more now. I couldn’t explain it any better.
I still felt there was a barrier I needed to break to fully understand Gio, but I could do it slowly. I even felt like I had already dismantled the first bricks of the wall Gio had built.