I felt a dagger in my chest as all my assumptions about Gio and me were shattered. I hadn’t even realized I was heading to the walk-in closet, facing my belongings. I hadn’t planned to leave, but perhaps this wasn’t my place. Where would I go if I did?
Would I go back to Papa? I didn’t want to return there. My feelings would only worsen. What am I planning to do? Leave? I still couldn’t muster any emotion toward Gio, feeling like it didn’t matter to him if I left.
“I don’t think it’s a big deal if I leave.” I looked at him and forced a tired smile. “I can be replaced quickly, right? If I disappear or something happens to me, you can easily find another woman to replace me. You said it yourself, I am replaceable.”
I avoided his gaze again and, with no intention of leaving, gathered some of my belongings and stuffed them into a bag. Maybe I would just spend some time at Nin’s place.
“And where do you plan to go? To your father’s house?”
I felt even more irritated when he mentioned Papa.
“I’d prefer that over this place.” Even if I didn’t intend to go home to Papa and might head to Nina’s instead.
I had only gathered a few items and started to walk, but before I could exit the walk-in closet, Gio blocked my path. His cold and icy eyes pierced into me.
“You’re going back to that house knowing what your father is capable of doing.”
“I’ve been beaten by him almost my whole life. What’s the difference now, Gio? If I return there and he hurts me, I’m used to it, and why would you care!”
I attempted to move past him, but he didn’t allow me to.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he said, his usual dark expression.
The pent-up emotions from earlier burst out on their own. Everything I had been holding inside broke free.
“Tell me what your problem is, and let’s talk about-”
“My problem?” For the nth time, I cut him off. I knew he didn’t like being interrupted when he spoke, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. “You’re my problem, Gio! I thought you were different from Papa, but you both make me feel worthless, like you can easily replace me in your lives if I were to disappear. Like I don’t matter!”
I took a deep breath and faced Gio, releasing the bag I was holding.
“Why did you marry me? Out of all the options you had, why me?” I waited for Gio to answer, but not a word came from his lips. “Why me, Gio? I have traumas, insecurities, and so many issues! If I were an object, I’d have numerous defects, so why did you still choose to marry me? There are a lot of other girls better than me, who are part of luxurious lives but with fewer issues, unlike me! Why do you all enjoy playing with me?”
I began to break down again. The tears I had held back earlier now flowed freely.
“I just want to be loved, Gio. I want to find someone who will love me and make me feel that I am needed, that I have worth. Because I can’t see that in myself. All my life, my father made me feel worthless! My whole life, I begged for love from my own father, but even the smallest amount, he couldn’t give me.”
I wiped my face. Due to the weight of my feelings for Gio and what he said to me, I felt like I was letting go of emotions I’d been holding in for a long time. Even though I shouldn’t be saying this to him, I still was.
“I endured what others said to me. That I’m stupid, weak, a coward, a yes-woman. Because yes, it’s true! I obeyed Papa? Yes, because I felt that’s the only way I could be good, by following everything he said. I felt that, for once, I could do something right when I followed his wishes. Along with that hope that if I pleased him or did what he wanted, he would acknowledge me as his child. I married you, thinking he’d be pleased, but no. He only wants to see you, and me? I still have no place in his heart. No matter what I do, my father won’t love me. For him, I can’t do anything right.”
I sobbed, causing me to stop speaking. I took a deep breath before continuing.
“All I wanted was to experience being loved. Is it too difficult? Am I that unlovable that all of you despise me?” I laughed at myself. My eyes felt warm from crying. “But after what happened earlier, the kidnapping, and everything I heard from you, Gio? I realized something.” I sadly smiled at him. “Compared to the pain Papa can inflict on me, I can handle that. My body is used to his beatings. I can endure all of that. But the pain you’re inflicting on me right now? That’s a pain my heart isn’t accustomed to. But shouldn’t I be thankful to you? After all, the most important thing is that you saved me, right? It’s important that you did what you had to do, and I’m still alive. It’s my fault that I ended up there. Because I’m foolish! Because I’m easily manipulated by others.”
I couldn’t quite comprehend why my heart was crying at the words he had spoken.
“Sorry, because I’m not used to this kind of life. I can’t learn the life you’ve been accustomed to in such a short time. My life used to be normal, minus my father beating me up, and then you came. Suddenly, I have a huge responsibility as the wife of a mafia boss.”
Gio was looking at me, and I didn’t expect him to say anything. I knew he detested drama, and honestly, I did too. But right now, I couldn’t help myself.
There was something in Gio’s eyes that I couldn’t quite grasp. I was momentarily transfixed by it, even though I couldn’t see that peculiar expression again in his eyes.
Gio slowly approached me. I tried to move away from him, but he caught me right away. I froze in place, and even my tears stopped involuntarily at his touch.
“Why are you crying so much, Millie? Am I hurting you this much?”
A deep silence settled between Gio and me. I never expected to hear this from him.
“Did I hurt you by telling that guy I could replace you with someone else?”
My lips trembled as I listened to Gio’s voice. It wasn’t his usual tone. There was something about his tone that weighed heavily on my emotions.
He let out a deep breath before letting go of me. Gio’s emotions returned to their previous state, and everything I had seen earlier felt almost like a mirage.
“If you don’t want me here, I’ll leave. Stay here. You’ll be safer if you’re here. I don’t want anything to happen to you because of your plan to leave, especially if you’re going to your father’s house. I’ll sleep in a different room, and I won’t bother you. You can treat me as if I’m not in this-.”
I didn’t let Gio finish his speech. I walked up to him, gently grabbing his cheek. Gio was surprised by what I did but didn’t push me away.
I moved my face closer to his, so I could see his eyes better. Why does he have the same expression in his eyes as I do?
“Gio,” I called his name. All the feelings I had earlier slowly subsided. “Why do you look so sad?”
I couldn’t afford to be wrong. Although he might be hiding it from me now, I could see how sad Gio’s eyes were. It’s like looking at the exact reflection of my emotions in him-painful and hurtful.