Jennifer goes home
It was one of the hardest things for me to do, but I knew that I had to give him some space. I could clearly see that my being in the house was just going to constantly remind him, and cloud his judgement.
I had been crying a lot lately, but at this point might have been all cried out. I guess I had a little left as I got to my parents’ house, and cried when my mom came out to hug me on the porch. My dad came out and got my suitcase and purse, and we all went inside.
We didn’t talk much that first night, but it was probably the worst night of sleep I had since the accident. I had nightmares about Matt and a funeral, about Jim and that horrible night. I woke up before my alarm went off in a sweat, and couldn’t get back to sleep.
I sat thinking about the last few days, and where I went wrong. Obviously having sex with Jim was something that should have never happened, but how did it get to that point? I started thinking about the time that I had been spending with him, and it slowly dawned on me that he had played me from the start. Why did I let that snake near me? How was I so blind to see that he wasn’t really trying to be my friend? Instead of helping me deal with things, he wanted to take advantage of me.
At that moment I had no answers, but felt I should start writing these questions down so that I could try to explore them further. I wanted… no, I needed to have these answers, if there was any hope of saving my marriage and family.
I got out of bed and got ready for the day. If I was to be awake early, I may as well get to work to get my mind off of things. If there is any place on earth that can keep a person busy, it’s a hospital. After getting myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I drove to work and went to the trauma center. I told the out-going charge nurse that I would take over early for her, and she could go home early.
I sat at the desk, reviewed all the current patients and my nurse roster for the day. I didn’t often get to work with the third shift nurses, but the early hours of the day are usually quiet and pleasant. Today there were quite a few patients in rooms, but nothing that spelled out a crazy shift.
One thing most people don’t seem to understand is that the Emergency department is a very difficult place to keep organized. Most of the time is spent reacting to the types of patients that show up at our door. I’m not complaining here, I just wish every day could be more structured. Maybe it was time to start thinking about finding a job in a normal doctor’s office, with normal business hours only.
As the sun came up and the morning progressed, I hadn’t stopped to think about my home situation much, and before I knew it, it was time to leave. I talked with Donna towards the end of my shift. She was a somewhat larger, older woman, but one of the nicest people I knew. She was one of the nurses that I had worked with for the last few years, and I valued her friendship.
“I suggest if you are having trouble, you could get some counseling or something? I know that when Doug and I had some problems early on in our relationship, we saw a marriage counselor. You never know, it couldn’t hurt to try right?”
“Thank you for listening and being a good friend, Donna. I might just look into that.”
I gave her a quick hug, and we both left for the day to get in our cars. As I walked from the building to the parking garage, I heard someone yell out from behind me, “Jennifer! Wait!”
I turned around and it was that asshole, Jim. What the hell did he want?
“Jim what the fuck do you want? Haven’t you caused enough damage already?”
“I’m sorry Jenn, but I just couldn’t stay away. I know Matt is awake now, but you have to know that I have wanted you for a very long time.”
“I don’t give a shit. Leave me alone, or I will call the cops on you and file for a protection order.” With that, I ran the last few steps to my car and got in. He was yelling how much he needed me as I sped off. That guy had a lot of damn nerve to try to come back to me after what happened. The first thing I thought to do was call Matt, but what would I tell him?
I knew he deserved the truth, but would he want to talk to me right now? Would he even believe me, or would he just assume that I fucked him again? I decided to go back to my parents’ house, and call to talk to him and the kids. I got home and told mom and dad that if Matt’s buddy, Jim, ever came over or called for me, to tell him to go to hell. Without any further explanation, I went into my bedroom and mom followed me in. It was time to come clean to my parents.
“Mom, I did something terrible. I cheated on my husband.”
“With that Jim fellow, I’m guessing?” she asked in terse reply.
I simply nodded. I could see the disappointment in her eyes as she sat down on the bed next to me and put her arm around me. Regardless of how badly they screw up, mothers will always take care of their children, I guess.
“I won’t go into detail about it, but I told him afterwards that it was the worst mistake I had ever made and to stay away from me, forever. As I was leaving work tonight, he tried to confront me in the parking garage, so I told him to go to hell and leave me alone. What should I do?”
“Jennifer I can’t tell you what to do. You have to determine that for yourself. I will suggest that you never lie or keep anything from Matt. The key to my marriage has always been to communicate. We haven’t had a perfect life, lord knows that, but we have stayed together because we love each other, and we talk everything out.”
Mom’s words made me want to cry again, but I held it in. Everything she said was like more weight on my back, just piling up. I hugged her, then asked if I could be alone for a bit. I took out my cell phone, and pulled up the number for the house. I stared at that number for at least ten minutes, debating whether to hit the call button or not. Finally, I hit the green button and it started ringing. My daughter Sidney picked up on the second ring.
“Hello, Jordan residence.”
“Hey honey, its mom. How are you doing?” I was trying to keep it together and sound positive.
There was a pause, and then she answered, “I’m ok mom. What do you want?”
“How is your dad doing? Did he get back from therapy yet?”
“Grandma took him earlier today while I was at school, but he is home back, in the bedroom now. Mom…” She paused for a long time, “GOD I HATE YOU!” and hung up on her mother.
I stared at my phone for a minute, and then set it down. I knew that I deserved that, but it still hurt a lot. My own kids hated me. My husband hated me. I am sure on, some level, my parents were pretty mad at me. I just wish this nightmare would end, and I would wake up to the way things were before Matt’s accident.
I went to bed crying again, wishing that I could just give up.
*****
Matt starts therapy hoping to get better soon.
After the kids left for school, my mom showed up to get me ready and take me to my therapy appointment. She was great, helping me out when I needed it the most. We got to the hospital and went into the physical therapy clinic to check in. They rolled out a wheelchair so that I wouldn’t have to try to walk all the way into the clinic.
While we were waiting, I thought of my wife. She was somewhere in this building, at that big desk in the E. R., doing her thing. I wonder if she even thought of me while she was here. I sat in the wheelchair thinking about my kids. Thank god for my daughter. Right now she was helping out more than any kid should have to. I know she is almost an adult, but it still bothered me that she might have to grow up a lot in a very short time.
The nurse came out and called us back. We had to go sit in one of the exam rooms and wait for a few minutes before the doctor that had operated on me came in.
“Hi Matt, I am very glad to see you doing so well. I just stopped in to talk with you about your head injury, as well as check on how you are doing. The therapy specialists will come in after we are done to get you examined and setup on your program.