“I’m awesome,” he said. “I just got out of church, and boy it’s gotten so much more fun there lately! I couldn’t wait to tell you all about it!”
Sam smiled. “I’m happy for you,” she said, a lot colder than she’d intended. “This is the asinine bullshit that he had to talk to me about?” she thought.
Still, she was his girlfriend and she knew she should try to appreciate what he was interested in. They went up to her room and got comfortable on the bed, and she tried to distract him by pulling him in for some kissing, but he seemed to want to talk instead.
“So… the service was great and everything, of course, but our new youth Pastor is awesome. I don’t think you know him. He’s the nicest guy ever! After the sermon, he goes out and plays volleyball with us in the courtyard and it’s so much fun. But anyway, he asked me and a few others to help him with something, and we got to go and give some donations to the poor. It was pretty cool.”
Sam felt like shaking him and asking why he didn’t want to fool around but calmed herself down. “I’m glad you had fun,” she said.
“I wish you’d come back. I know you’d love it,” he said. “The pastor said that he could sit and talk with both of us about helping you come back.”
She shook her head. “I’m sure that the old me would love it,” she agreed. “I’m okay though. It’s just not for me anymore, honey.”
He sighed. “I just don’t understand why. One day you’re all about going to church and not swearing, and now you don’t want to even drive by the place.”
Sam ignored him, not wanting to go down that path. Fiddling with her fingernails, she pretended to be disinterested, but could feel the irritation growing. Keith just seemed to be determined to upset her.
“Look, I know that Pastor Dan leaving was sad, but you didn’t have to stop being a Christian, you know babe?”
Taking a deep breath, Sam started to say something, but then fell silent. She started again, then fell silent again.
“I just don’t get why you were so attached to him and what him moving away has to do with you not going to church anymore. You used to be so into that kind of stuff, and now you just seem done with it. I’m not trying to sound like I’m attacking you, I just… I’m worried about you. I miss us doing the good, Christian things together.”
Sam silently counted to ten, closing her eyes and breathing slowly, wondering how the conversation had gone from 0 to 90 in just a few seconds. She felt like she could still hear the echo of the door closing on her bedroom walls.
“All I’m saying is that you’re going to need to come back eventually, you know? I don’t for a minute think that you aren’t a believer anymore. Everyone has a crisis of faith at some point, you know?”
She stared down at her fingers, still fidgeting, begging him to stop talking.
“I don’t know, babe…” he sighed. “I just feel like you left for the wrong reason, even though I know that you were really attached to Pastor Dan, but… he’s gone now.”
Sam was unable to completely contain herself anymore. Slipping out past her defenses, the word “motherfucker” escaped her lips, and she instantly covered her mouth, shocked at herself.
Keith looked at her in surprise and silence.
“Sorry,” she said, turning away.
“Did you just call me a mothereffer?” he asked, sounding ridiculous.
Another surge of anger hit her, and she closed her eyes. “The lame-ass said fuck last night! Today its fucking mothereffer? Fucking candy-ass! she thought.
She sighed, shaking her head. “No. It just slipped out… can we plesae just change the subject?” She stood and turned, facing away from him.
“Okay… fine… I just… mothereffer?”
Another surge of anger hit her and she whirled on him, but then calmed as she started speaking. “Dammit, I wasn’t calling you a motherfucker,” she said, growing more impatient and trying desperately to calm down. Keith was persistent though, buzzing at her like a fly.
“Who’s a mothereffer then?” he asked, growing more insistent. “Sam?”
She closed her eyes and started to count to ten again.
“I know it’s not Pastor Dan that…”
“FUCK HIM!” she yelled, quickly slapping her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide in shock.
Keith’s was dumbfounded, his jaw open like a cartoon character’s might be.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m… just not feeling well.”
The lie tasted bitter, and she could feel her anger boiling over inside of her. The desire to confess everything was boiling over inside of her. She felt foul thoughts enter her head and the overwhelming desire to let her anger explode all over her unsuspecting boyfriend.
“Say his name again, motherfucker, I fucking dare you! SAY IT! FUCKING SAY IT! FUCKING SAY IT!” she thought, over and over in her head, closing her eyes and feeling the heat of her fury behind her eyeballs.
“What did Pastor Dan ever do to deserve that?” Keith asked. “Why would you call him a mothereffer and say “eff” him?”
There was an almost imperceptible snap in the room as the air around her started to heat up. To say that Sam glared in hatred at Keith, was to say that the Sun is a little warm, or that space is a little big. She level her eyes directly at him, both rimmed with rage and her hands shaking. If he’d been made of ice, he would have turned to steam in a moment. She looked at him with a fury that she didn’t know she was capable of, her entire body shaking with anger.
Keith must have realized that his life was in danger, as he slid off the bed and held his hands up defensively. “I… I’m sorry…”
Sam realized that she had to calm down, stomped off to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. Turning the cold water on at the sink, she cupped her hands under it, closing her eyes and trying to get her chest-thumping heart from beating clear out of her body. Splashing the water over her face, she gasped in surprise, and half expected the water to turn to steam. Repeating the move a few more times, she began to feel her anger subside a bit.
Taking a deep breath, she knew that she was going to have to explain herself. Blowing it out slowly, she closed her eyes and forced back the coming tears. Opening them again a second later, she looked directly at the Sam in the mirror and steeled her resolve, the heat of her fury simmering just beneath the surface.
Opening the door, she saw Dane in the hallway, halfway down to her room. He turned, hearing her stomping toward him.
“Sam… are you…” he asked, obviously having been woken up.
“I’m fine. Go back to your room,” she said hotly and with much more venom than she’d intended.
Unsurprisingly, he turned and went back to his room, wisely shutting the door behind him.
Going back to her own room, she opened the door and then shut it again behind her
“Babe, I’m…” he started to say.
“Shut the hell up,” she barked, then immediately felt bad and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. “I’m sorry,” she said after counting to ten again. Looking up, she reached for his hand and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” she reiterated.
He didn’t speak, only nodded.
“I won’t yell at you like that again,” she said. “You can speak, honey.”
Keith didn’t seem to want to say anything, as if he were pushing his luck. She reached up to touch his hand and he unwittingly erased the last barrier that was holding back the roiling tide of her confession.
His hand jerked back, and she looked up at him in shock. In that second, everything froze for her. She saw her world as a microcosm, and that moment as a pivotal point. She saw the naive weakness in him. She saw all the times that he’d disappointed her that she’d overlooked. She suddenly felt it coalesce into a single point; a single action between them. He jerked his hand back, as if she was the problem here.
“Motherfucker,” she thought, feeling the will to hold back her secrets.
Irritated at his weakness, and wanting to finally be done with it, she had finally had enough. That was it. All of the pain, rage, and trauma that had been built up inside of her, boiled over and forced her hand. She was done. If he wanted to play that game, then she would tell him. She would tell him everything.
“That… asshole… is a vile piece of shit,” she said, staring hard at him.
His expression was one of confusion, but the gates were open. The flood was coming.
“I didn’t want to… burden you with this, but since you won’t fucking let it go, I’ll just have to tell you what happened,” she said. “I’ve kept it from you because… besides being really humiliating and life changing, I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”
Keith still looked worried, almost scared, but now looked confused as well.
“Sit down,” she said, pointing at the bed.
He did so immediately.
She started to talk but didn’t look at him, as she quickly found that it was easier to detail the story when she didn’t have to see his face. She told him about Pastor Dan lying to her, convincing her to kiss him, about sucking his dick, and learning to swallow. She spoke matter-of-factly, laying it all out nice and neat so that he would be able to understand, emphasizing that she was the naive one. She told him that she was convinced that it was okay, that this man she’d trusted had said it was okay and that she was helping him. She also told him about her rampaging sexuality, and how it was part of the trend for the women in their family, and how that had contributed.