As soon as I heard the voice on the phone, I had a feeling something was wrong. Immediately, we got into Bea’s car and she drove me all the way to the hospital.
There was an feeling of dread in my chest as I rushed into the hospital and made my way towards the door to my mother’s room. My heart pounded loudly in my chest and my legs felt like they were moving through water. I pushed the door open and rushed in.
There she was, my mother, looking so fragile, so small, plugged to machines and wires. Her chest rose and fell in a shallow manner, but it was the machines doing most of the work. I tried to catch and steady my breath, but it caught in my throat, leaving me on the edge of breaking down.
The doctor stood by her bed with a serious expression. I hurried to my mother’s side, grabbing her hand, which felt cold and weak in mine.
“Ms. Joan,” the doctor began “I’m afraid your mother’s condition has worsened. We’ve managed to stabilize her for now, but she needs surgery as soon as possible. Without it… the outlook isn’t good.”
My vision blurred as tears filled up in my eyes. I clutched my mother’s hand tighter, feeling very helpless.
“Surgery?” I managed to whisper “But… how can I afford that? I don’t have the money…”
The doctor’s expression softened with pity. “I understand this is overwhelming, but we can’t delay much longer. The surgery gives her the best chance.”
In that moment, I felt nothing but sadness. I was already drowning in bills. The salary I had received went towards paying the debts I owed and most of my mother’s medical bills. For now, I couldn’t afford any more until my next payment.
How was I supposed to come up with money for surgery on top of everything else? My mind spiraled, searching for answers and how to find a way out.
“Joan,” Bea said softly, stepping closer and placing a hand on my shoulder. “We’ll figure something out. For now, maybe it’s best to go back to work, clear your head a bit. I’ll look into finding someone who might be able to lend you the money. There has to be a way.”
I looked at Bea with tears in my eyes “But… what if something happens while I’m gone? What if… what if this is the last time I see her?”
My voice cracked as I spoke and the tears came out harder.
Bea’s eyes became tear filled too, and she pulled me into a hug.
“I know you’re scared, but you’re not alone in this. I’ll stay here with her. I’ll call you if anything changes, I promise.” she said.
I buried my face in her shoulder, letting a few tears slip out before I quickly wiped them away.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I murmured.
“You’ll never have to find out,” Bea replied, pulling back to look at me. “Go on, I’ll be here. She’ll be here when you come back.”
I smiled at Bea. I felt grateful and glad to have her as a friend. She was always there for me when I needed her, even when I tried to push her away.
I turned back to my mother. My heart ached even more as I took in her pale face, her chapped lips slightly parted as she breathe. With a sob, I leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“Mom,” I whispered “I’ll be back soon, okay? Just… hang on a little longer. I’m going to find a way to make this right.”
There was no response, just the sound of the beep of the monitor beside her, the rise and fall of her chest that I prayed would continue until I could return. My throat tightened as I stood up, forcing myself to step away from the bed.
The walk out of the room felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. Each step I took was heavier than the last. I wanted to go back there and stay with her more than anything. But I knew I had to leave, even if everything inside me screamed at me to stay.
As I stepped into the hallway, Bea gave me one last squeeze on the shoulder. “I’ll start making calls as soon as you go. Keep your phone on, okay?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. If I spoke, I would most likely break down and start crying again.
I said goodbye to Bea then turned towards the exit. The hospital seemed even more suffocating now, with its long white corridors. I hated the colour white so fucking much. I could barely see through the tears blurring my vision, but I had to keep moving.
When I got outside, I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I stood there for a moment, trying to steady the emo The world around me felt surreal, like I was trapped in some nightmare I couldn’t wake from.
I had no idea where to go or what to do. Bea was right-I needed to clear my head, but how could I do that when all I could think about was my mother lying helplessly in that hospital bed? I was desperate, lost in a world where nothing made sense anymore.
The thought of going back to work felt impossible, but there was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t sit here and just feel sorry for myself. I had to keep moving, keep fighting, even though every part of me just wanted to collapse and cry until there were no more tears left.
Taking a deep breath, I wiped my eyes and started walking. I thought about how to fix things. I couldn’t give up. Not now. My mother needed me, and I had to find a way to save her, no matter what it took.