“71.. higher, 72…73…” Ever heard the saying you can take a horse to the water but you can’t make it drink?
Spade doesn’t believe in that saying.
I know because he told me over and over and over again.
Whenever I’m tired, he pushes.
When I can do no more, he forces.
Spade believes I’m only a human and if he’s there he can sure as fuck make me do it.
“81, 82, keep those abs tight we ain’t leaving until it’s done, 83.”
My stomach, neck, back, legs, arms and all the other places I don’t know are throbbing, aching as I lift into another curl.
Spade is relentless today. ‘It’s for your own good’ my ass.
My morning started crappy, it’s just past 11am and it hasn’t gotten better.
“92… I don’t see those abs tight Beggar.”
The sweat drips from my forehead down into my eye.
My hands are crisscrossed over my chest. Fingers locked firmly over my shoulders as I complete one hundred ab curls.
We’re on the top floor aka the training room. Spade is relentless, pushing me for the past two hours. It’s closing on midday and normally by this time I’m enjoying the hot tub downstairs while Venus tries to psycho-analyze me.
But Spade kept me here.
“Enough, you’re done.”
My chest expands and contracts at a rapid speed, my breathing- loud.
Spade turns his back on me, walking across to the treadmill and gets on.
The guy’s a machine. He always has excess energy.
It’s crazy. Venus should spend more time with Spade than worrying about me.
Clearly I’m not the one with screws loose.
The long tights I’m wearing stick to my ass as I get up. Yesterday Chadley dropped off some new clothes for me. Two jeans, six t-shirts, some panties, two white vests and a pair of training tights. I was so grateful, it was more than any one has ever given me freely.
Killer however seemed disappointed and threw his black card on the bed, which Chadley snatched up in seconds with doughy eyes.
Those said eyes quickly lost some of the sparkle when he told her to give it to Venus.
I had no clue what happened there or why, until Venus popped in after my fiasco with Zero, carrying parcels of more clothes and make up with shoes and so much stuff that I left it all in the room and showed up for training twenty minutes early.
Killer buying me so much stuff, I’m not sure how to deal with it. I don’t like to feel that I owe him something and I already know he’ll say I owe him nothing.
What he doesn’t know is that just hearing those words would break the last bit of humanity in me.
I walk across the blue training mats where the others fight each other at night. I pull the rope as I pass it to go fetch my water on the round plastic table by the door.
The water glides down easily, and I capture the cold feeling that slides down to my belly cooling me down.
A week ago I was living in the frigid cold worrying about my next meal and whether I’ll ever escape my monster.
I think back to my morning, was it really that bad?
Today I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and this bottle of water to cool my heated flesh.
Today for the first time in years, my monster’s hazel eyes didn’t haunt me.
Today for the first time in years I felt awakened. I felt powerful because for the first time in a long time I allowed a man to touch me.
I wanted a man to kiss me, own me. I guess it wasn’t crappy after all.
Zero made me feel things in that moment I shouldn’t have felt for him.
The Enforcer of The Satan Snipers made me want things I had no business wanting.
He isn’t mine.
When I refused to go further, he proved it. His words hurt me because I gave him something, I didn’t give anyone else and he rejected it.
But I’ve heard worse, I’ve been treated so much worse.
At least he stopped, at least he didn’t force me.
I’ve told myself that over and over again but this tug in my chest just won’t ease up.
I’m not a girl that gets to feel like this over a man. I’m used goods, a filthy dirty beggar, a nobody.
I have nothing to offer a man besides my scarred body, dead soul and loads of fucked-upness.
But I felt something today, maybe I’m not as dead as I thought, as dead as my monster honed me to be.
As the thought comes to mind, I chuckle as I finish my water.
How stupid am I? No one can go through what I’ve been through and still keep their soul.
No one can do what I’ve done and not lose their goodness.
And besides, Zero made it clear he regrets what we shared. What we felt or I felt was wrong, even though it felt good, explosive.
It was probably nothing for him, he’ll get his happy ending with Falon, she’s his girl.
Not a filthy beggar like me who’s sponging off the club, and getting charity off the people in the house whilst training to be one of them.
Not me, I’m the homeless girl and I mustn’t forget that.
If I make a wrong move, I could find myself on the streets again. God knows I don’t want that.
I need this.
I need the people more.
It won’t be long until my monster finds me. He’ll never leave me be.
My mother said that if it felt good doesn’t mean it was right.
Zero hates me but I won’t hate him, I can’t.
He is the reason I’m here, him and Falon.
Which is why I made a new rule from a lesson learnt, Zero is off limits.
The door smacks open and I jump back just in time to miss getting knocked in by the glass door.
“Spade, church now, Prez needs us.” Bulls deep frown as he spots me behind the door is something I expect.
The child running from behind him and right into me is something I don’t.
I glance down at the boy. He got the bluest eyes I’ve seen on one other person staring right back at me. His little arms wrap around my waist,
“Uncle Kevin is coming, say I’m not here.”
You know that moment where everything happens so fast that you don’t get a chance to respond, or say anything? Well that’s what is happening now.
“Aron my man.” Spade walks up from behind me, and I know why.
He doesn’t want me to hurt the kid. I know he’ll knock me out before I get a chance but there’s no need.
I love kids.
And besides, Bull is standing right here, he could just flick me across the room like a fly and I’ll be lights out.
Aron doesn’t let go of me though and I smile down at the little boy when he tilts his head to see behind me and his brown hair flops to one side.
“Hey Uncle Thomas, I’m staying with you guys tonight. Aunt D and Ky are coming to pick me up in the morning.” Aron’s face lights up and I fall hard for the kid when I see the dimple peeping out on his left cheek.
Spade walks up to him and ruffles his hair, careful not to touch me.
Bull clears his throat, “Gotta go man.”
Spade’s lithe body moves past us. The kid is still holding me around my waist like a life line. I expect him to let me go.
He is holding on to my waist for a few minutes now.
Bull turns to go but stops and stares at Aron, his face softening. Which is a first from the moody biker.
“You stay with this lady, ’til Killer gets you, got it.”
Bull doesn’t wait for a reply before his heavy footfalls get distant in his retreat.
I peer down at the kid, at a loss. His little fingers tugging my ponytail.
“Your hair is pretty like Aunt Ky. What’s your name? Do you like PlayStation? Are you a Dodgers fan? My dad hates the Dodgers! Do you like ice-cream? I only like the caramel fudge, my dad says ice-cream is ice-cream and I shouldn’t be fussy just glad that I can have any, but uncle Michael says my dad is a moron because caramel fudge is the best flavor but what would he know ’cause he never tasted it…. Bu..”
“Whoa, there kid one question at a time, yeah.” His face turns Crimson, and I think the kid is going to start bawling.
Instead he bursts out laughing.
He takes a step back and stares at me. His neck turns to the side like he’s observing me and I realize he’s just waiting for me to answer.
“Let’s see, ah, my name is a secret, but you can call me Beggar.”
“Cool name for a cool voice, Beggar,” He rolls my name off his tongue like Killer does, I smile at that.
This kid is already topping my favorite people list.
“I don’t know what’s PlayStation kid and I’ve never watched sports, but ice-creams good.”
“PlayStation is only the coolest thing ever!”
He jumps on the spot.
“Can we go see the horses now, Uncle Kevin is gonna be long, he said you’ll take me to see the horses.”
I look at the denims he’s wearing, they look expensive and the red t-shirt with the crocodile on it I know for a fact is pricey.
Will his uncle be okay with him messing his clothes up?
“How old are you Aron?”
“Six, why?”
“Aron.” That voice has us both facing the door.
I’m about to reply when Killer walks in seconds after calling the boy.
I admit a few days ago when I saw him with his piercings and tattoos, he kept hidden the first night, I was speechless and scared spending another night with him, but I know he won’t hurt me.
No, he is trying to unravel me.
Killer takes in the scene as only he does, subtle.
Trying to see what he sees I glance to Aron standing a few steps away from me, a big grin plastered on his innocent face.
I’m holding a water bottle in one hand and the other is on my hip.
My vest soaked with sweat.
“Hey, I was packing away your things. Aron’s going to be sleeping with us tonight, took a fold up from one of the spare rooms. You cool with that?”
My face spreads into a huge smile at the thought. I have no idea why, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve never gotten to spend time with any kid as an adult.
I feel like I’ve been offered a moon.
My day started out dreadful but my afternoon is turning out pretty damn good, and the reason why is standing right in front of me and I’m not talking about the little fellow that can’t keep his legs still.
I’m talking about the guy that’s staring at me with a keen interest that I don’t want to guess with what.
“No problem here, I was going to take him to see the horses and for ice-cream.” The words leave my mouth at the same time my eyes find Aron’s eager ones.
I divert my attention back to Killer waiting for his answer.
He shrugs and gives me another look that I pretend not to notice, but I know I’m in trouble.
Deep trouble.